Relationships & Sex

Forgiveness


Forgiveness and closure is something that many struggle with, myself included. Often it is because it feels like the other party involved “need” to be in agreement about our perception of things and to acknowledge where they went wrong. When there are unanswered questions, because they disappeared, moved on or passed away, and it feels like they just don’t get why we are so angry and hurt and unable to move on. It can feel like we’ll never get past it. What I’ve learned about forgiveness and closure recently, is that you definitely don’t need to gain agreement from the other party about your perspective on things. My own acknowledgement and validation travels a very long way. Moving on is a decision, a choice.

Forgiveness about the decision to let go. After you make the decision to forgive and let go, you have to honor it with the actions to support it. Sometimes we don’t consciously say, “I let go” and instead, we get on with the business of living, we nurture ourselves, we process our thoughts, feel all of our feelings even when they hurt, and one day realize that we feel less about something than we did before and we are in the process of letting go or have let go already. Whichever route you choose to take, the point is to stop holding it so closely. If you keep staring at something, revisiting, reliving it, if you don’t work through your feelings and gradually start to draw conclusions and learn from the insights gained, it just develops into something that drowns out perspective.

It is more important to forgive yourself. Letting go is about deciding to be “done” with something no matter how much more information or change you COULD seek. You have to ask yourself why you are devoting your life to expecting someone to change, feeling bad about the fact that they haven’t, and putting your own progress on hold in the process. You feel like, “I can’t move on until I get the answers that I need and they show remorse,” which is nothing but a declaration of a dead-end. Truth is, you CAN move on, you are just CHOOSING not to.

While it would be nice to gain agreement on how we see things, to get our feelings validated, and to get acknowledgement of where they have wronged you, not getting them doesn’t have to be the end all be all. You have got to learn to trust you own judgment.

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Relationships & Sex

Stay or Go (Part 2 of 2)



Knowing When to Work At Your Relationship P2: Questions to Ask Yourself & Key Signs

In part one I explained how the opportunity to work at your relationship can really only exist, if you’re two people who are potentially right for each other but engaging in behaviours that are counterproductive to the success of the relationship. You both need to be coming from an honest, illusion free place otherwise your efforts will be pointless.

So where do you start? Continue reading “Stay or Go (Part 2 of 2)”

Relationships & Sex

Limited Love?? No Options??


Are you selling yourself short in dating, relationships and in life?

It always amazes me when I see women dwelling on a past relationship; sometimes YEARS after its ended. “You’re behaving like a woman who has no options”.

We as women sometimes act as if your only option is whatever guys you were seeing at the time and believe it is more important to be in a relationship and pursue this feeling of love and validation, than it was to be in a quality relationship. When you aren’t in a relationship, it may sometimes feel like you are just passing time, thirsty to fill up the “vacancy” left by the previous guy. You craved love, strongly seek out validation.

Continue reading “Limited Love?? No Options??”

Secret Letters

Fighting for Validation


Dear Fighting for Validation,

I think I’ve said this before…but, “in order for someone to be jealous of you, you must have something they want”

Continue reading “Fighting for Validation”

Relationships & Sex

Seeking Validation in Relationships


There are a number of issues that are recurring themes in struggling or uncertain relationships and seeking validation is one of them. Women who love emotionally unavailable men spend an incredible amount of time engaged in activities that are supposed to lead to getting the validation that they seek.

While these guys are thinking, “I’m not that bad”, the women that love them are thinking variations of “Tell me that I’m good person of value and that I’m the exception.” It seems every woman wants to be the exception.

 Guys get validation all the time that they’re not as bad as they really are, because the validation comes when they continue to get women and when each of those women accepts their behavior, because they are trying to be the exception!

We all have our values (even if we don’t use them) and they are tied to our beliefs determining what we feel is right and wrong, good and bad.

The only way I can define Seeking validation in relationships, is when you look to get confirmation that something is “true.” This cuts both ways so while you may spend a unreasonable amount of energy trying to get others to confirm that you are a person of value, loveable, a great girlfriend, the best girlfriend, the “one”, the best friend etc., you may also be someone who spends an equally amount of time confirming that negative things that you believe are actually true, creating a self-fulfilling prophecy.

We get involved with people that reflect what we believe about love, relationships, and ourselves.

So if you imagine that someone believes that relationships don’t last, that men disappear and cheat, and that there is something unlovable about her, she’ll get involved with someone who offers the least likely prospect for commitment who is likely to blow hot and cold and disappear or outright abandon her, and who will have a tendency to cheat with other women, hence making what you think to be “true”…True.

She’ll do this because her beliefs mean that she is afraid of actually going out there and committing herself because she’s afraid of it not lasting. Even if she met someone who would probably not do any of these, she wouldn’t believe them.

Despite ending up with someone that reflects her beliefs, she will look for validation by trying to get him to commit and stop disappearing, by staying with him even when he screws around on her or makes it clear that he is pursuing other interests, and by trying to get him to make her the exception to his rule of behavior and treat her with decency so that she can believe she is good enough, VALID, and lovable.

Instead, by this guy continuing his behavior, she’ll think that if she wasn’t flawed and a lovable person, she would have been able to hold onto him because good, lovable people get the guy to make them the exception, so every negative thing she already believes about herself is perpetuated.

That my friend is the self-fulfilling prophecy of seeking validation from people who are fundamentally incompatible with the concept of a healthy relationship. Stop focusing on trying to be the exception and focus on being an exceptional person and attracting an exceptional man…not an less than exceptional man and trying  to make him see how exceptional you are.

Relationships & Sex

…Serial Realtionship Cutter…


I always see people who are completely overwhelmed by rejection or repeatedly throwing themselves under the same rejection bus because they don’t want to deal with the pain of accepting someone’s choice in another person. They think they can make one or a number of rejections right by trying to get this person to validate them and unfortunately end up experiencing even more pain. These are the people who live by that rule, “fight for what you want.” But think about it, you are fighting for this person, and they are fighting for someone else. You can’t fight a battle with someone who isn’t in the same fight.

 

When you participate in unavailable relationships, it’s like you’re seeking validation in order to gain an overall retraction that would right the wrongs of the past, or if you keep going back in no matter how crappy a capacity to a poor or even non-existent relationship, you’re trying to get them to retract the rejection. Bottom line, they won’t. It’s you who needs to retract your own rejection. This type of behavior is what I like to call, a serial realtionship cutter. Even though you know it hurts, you keep doing it because you haven’t reached the goal you THINK you need to.

 

 

This retraction you’re seeking is not going to cause the doors of heavens to open or angels to even sing. No announcements will go out, no nothing. Yes you’ll know it’s there, yes you will have achieved your aim, but it’s really all for your own ego and if your purpose is to satisfy your ego, you’ll actually be better off doing it yourself. As many people can attest to, often after getting the holy grail of apologies, or telling them about themselves, or even ‘winning’ them back, it’s a major let down.

 

Many people seek retraction from an ex because we are worried about what people will think about the end of the relationship. You start wondering what he told his friends about why you broke up. Did he give the right reason? Did he say it my fault?? But people are going to think what they want to think no matter what you do, so the best thing that you can do is not give away all of your power.

Don’t use ‘rejection’ to make judgments about you. You have better things to do than crawl inside their mind. You could focus on trying to force them to change their mind, but really, if you’re that bothered, you’ve already made a judgment about yourself and it’s actually your own mind that you need to change. You don’t need to wait for them to change their mind, for you to change your mind. You managed to survive for however many years before they came along – there’s no way in hell that you shouldn’t be able to handle your own identity.

You cannot control everyone else’s minds – people like thinking about themselves!

 

Stop putting all your energy into someone who is not willing to put all their energy into you…They are unavailable. They aren’t unavailable against their will; they are unavailable to you because they want to be. Stop looking seeking validation, accept the rejection and move on. Stop seeking for someone to change their mind, if they want to change their mind, you breathing down their neck is not going to speed up the process and that’s if the process is even meant to happen. Stop re-opening the same wound over and over again. Give it time to heal and move on.

 

Relationships & Sex

Breakup 101: Part One


No one enjoys a break up, even if you are the one who initiated the breakup. So I wanted to give you guys some breakup boundaries/tips that are crucial when going through a break up. I have broken it up into two sections, so that I am not bombarding you with too much at one time. So let’s jump right into it…

Do not settle for less for the sake of having just something, rather than nothing at all. When we are in pain from rejection and we have lost someone who we emotionally invested in, it is tempting to bargain with ourselves. We would rather have them on some, rather than no terms. We do this because it is a kneejerk reaction to the initial rejection and pain. We tell ourselves that because of what we feel for them, we can’t imagine them not being in our lives, in any way. So you settle for something like friendship. However, if you are both destined to be friends, it won’t be because you hung around straight after the break up, poking at each other emotions and keeping a place holder in each other lives. Distance and time give objectivity and you can ONLY be friends when you actually no longer want a relationship with them. That, and you can only be friends with someone who is actually friend worthy. (I will get more into this topic in a much later blog, so stay tuned for that).

Next, cut contact to give yourself time and space to grieve the loss of the relationship. I can say this with 110% of certainty that if they are ever going to miss you or regret the loss of you from their lives, it is sure as hell NOT going to happen with you hanging around, reminding them of your existence and seeking validation and attention!! Both parties need to respect each other’s time and do your own thing and grieve the loss of the relationship. You must have faith that if a person gives a damn about you, that friendship you think you so desperately need will be there in a few months’ time. Now I know my people with children would say, this is hard to do…but it’s not, you just have to approach it differently than people who have no strings attached. If you check out my blog “Avoiding Baby Momma/Daddy Drama,” and take a look at #2: “The conversations you have should be centered around the child.” Your vocal point after a breakup with your child’s father should be THE CHILD, you can worry about a friendship (if at all possible) at a later time. Don’t try and make a friendship happen right after a breakup, it’s unrealistic. It’s forced and phony. And are really willing to settle for a phony friendship?? If you say yes, then you furthermore prove my first point.

This should actually be number one, but when someone rejects you, register it as a red flag, step back, and do not try to change their mind. At first thought people say “I should fight for my relationship.” This has been something I felt strongly about before. Until I realized that from the moment someone utters the words that they want to break up, you pushing to keep something that they don’t want is like you negotiating you way back into their affections and their life. They have clearly said to you, that they no longer want you or the relationship enough to keep trying. No matter what the reasons are for the breakup, you’ll succeed at nothing with getting on your hands and knees and begging them to stay. I know we tend to feel like we’ve invested so much time and effort in the other person, but here’s the problem: they’ve already given up and thrown it away. Speaking from personal experience, you will not feel good or confident about the stability of the relationship, length of the relationship, if you have to pitch yourself and the relationship to a person like a used car salesman. This is where you need to have some pride. Respect their decision in the first instance, because it you try to persuade them out of their decision you remove you dignity. You don’t know better. You and they are not the same person. In some cases the other person may say, hey, “You didn’t fight for me to stay.” At that point you must realize they are playing a game. Only people who break up with you to watch you jump through hoops to try and persuade them otherwise is playing games; someone you don’t need to be with any way.

Recognize communication for what it is and not amplify it into them actually missing you and wanting to get back together. When someone misses you and has seriously thought about the loss of the relationship they will not send stupid text messages and emails. Someone who genuinely misses you will not only call you and arrange to meet to talk, they will be straight forward and make constructive suggestions as to how to get back together and progress the relationship. Someone sending messages saying, “Good Luck on the football game.” Or “How are you?” or “Thinking about you.” Or “How’s the love life?” (all real messages that I’ve either received [or have sent…LOL, yes I am guilty of this too.]) is just a lazy wayto hunt for an ego stroke, I way to still make themselves “relevant” in your life. This brings me to…

Don’t confuse yourself and do something that you will later regret. DO NOT sleep with your ex. If you do, accept the responsibility for the consequences. Sex with someone who you are accustomed to is comforting and great. Sex with some who is familiar and that you still feel something for but who has broken up with you, will feel great at that moment, but often filled with expectations, which usually lead to disappointment. Just because you start having sex with your ex again doesn’t mean you are getting back together…getting back together does not solely rely on getting laid, hence if you were actually getting back together you’d damn sure know it before you had sex. They may miss you, but they sure don’t miss you that much. If you are the type of person to have sex with expectation, it is not wise you treat it in a casual fashion, don’t have sex with you ex. While you may feel validated for the short term pleasure, it may have long lasing consequences that now set you back. Understand that you cannot sex your way back into a relationship. If sex was what held your relationship together, it was fragile anyway, plus you wouldn’t have broken up.

Part Two