Relationships & Sex

Is Honest Really Important?


honesty

Most people love to talk about the importance of honesty in their relationship. Bout how many people actually practice it. How many of us are truly honest with our partner?

 

To some, honest is looked at as something most people can’t handle, just lip service. It is the first thing to give way when in light of a crisis. For example, if someone gets caught cheating, is the 1st impulse to come clean and admit the wrong doing? or is it to try and soften the blow and fabricate the cheating to make it seem less than?

But at the end of the day no matter how much people think you can’t handle it or how hard it can be to hear, honesty in a relationship is valuable and we should make it our business to keep it alive, no mater how much it may hurt the other person. The longevity & strength of a relationship depends on it.

The most important reason being honest in a relationship is that it stimulate trust and integrity.

love-heart-makeup-beauty.jpg

Relationships & Sex

Rebuilding that thing called…


“It takes years to build up trust, and just seconds to destroy it.”– Unknown.

 

I am not the best person when it comes to forgiving someone after they’ve betrayed and lied to me and I tend to make that very clear before I start any relationship.

 

For most people, trust is one of the hardest things to get back. After someone lies to you or betrays you, their words become harder to believe. At this point in your relationship, you have to decide, is this relationship worth saving?

 

A lot of couples can recover from lies and build a stronger and closer relationship. Several factors influence how successful couples will be at saving a relationship: the tone and quality of the relationship prior to the disloyal action, the commitment of BOTH partners to make the relationship work and effective communication skills are critical to the recovery process.

First ask yourself this, is your relationship worth saving? A lot of people bail out on relationships at the first sign of trouble. We all have to understand NO relationship is perfect. And it takes continuous work. People WILL mess up…but it is up to decide if the lie, infidelity or whatever is worth losing your partner over. Please understand, once you make you decision stick to it. Some people have a tendency of walking away and then wanting that person back and SOMETIMES it IS too late at that point. They may have already moved on and met someone else or their feelings just aren’t there for you in that way anymore.

 

If you have trouble answering that question, make a list…pro and cons. Sometimes you need to see it on paper to really see where you stand with a person. Think of all the people you would want to spend the day with, is this person one of them?? Do you have the same morals & goals? Do you express a lot of affection towards each other, or is there a lot off negativity? Do you feel comfortable sharing your innermost thoughts with your partner?? How easy is it for you to talk to your partner?

 

These are just some questions you can ask yourself to get your mind going on if your relationship is worth saving.

 

If you decide your relationship is not worth saving, then let go and move on with your life and there is no need to read any further. But if you say, yes my relationship is worth saving, you will go through some stages. The trauma of the discovery, the assessment of how both partners want to go about resolving the problem, and finally repairing and restoring the trust.

 

I know when I’ve lost trust in a person I am with the first thing I think about is, How could you do this? I always wonder, how could you be happy in a relationship if you can lie to me? How can you say you love me and lie to me?

 

Romantic relationships are built on positive, romantic illusions. A romantic attachment is a deep emotional bond to another individual. The attachments we form are designed to keep people together. Discovery of a lie shatters those illusions. It creates a lot of uncertainty and raises questions, like the ones above.

 

Once you start asking these questions you can find yourself consumed with anger, and obsessive thoughts, dwelling on the incident. The best way to deal with these feelings is just to discuss your feelings in a non-judgmental environment, where someone will simply listen…Don’t look for advice, just vent. At this point advice is useless…you are way too emotionally agitated to even think clearly and digest advice. Sharing your feelings with someone who cares, your feelings will become less intense.

 

After the initial shock has died down (which will not happen overnight), it helps to make some assessments of how you and your partner want to resolve the problem. To save a relationship after the loss of trust requires two people working towards the same goal. A commitment to the relationship works best when it is based on mutual desire. Forcing your partner to make a commitment to the relationship doesn’t carry the same weight as a commitment which has been give freely.

 

After both parties have decided to move forward and save their relationship the next stage is the MOST difficult.

  

People often lack insight into their own behavior and if they do understand why they lied or cheated, they often do not want to admit this information with their partner, thinking that if they do it would cause more problems, which is a common misconception. The truth is if the real issues are not identified they are less likely to get resolved. By approaching a problem as a couple it can entrust the person who has been lied to, by providing them with a sense of control. Working together can bring back a sense of confidence and security, which is crucial when trying to rebuild trust.

 

In addition to identifying the vital motivation of the lie, it is essential to frankly discuss the details of what happened. Again DO NOT try and conceal details, it often leads to lingering questions, which if not addressed, they are unlikely to go away…and if questions are lingering, it is impossible for your partner to not dwell on the incident. Telling the truth can be painful, but is necessary when trying to move forward.

 

Doing these two things (identifying the motivation factors of the lie and the discussing of the details) are the MOST difficult for most couples to manage. They require loss of insight and communication skills. If not handled productively, it can lead to further problems, resentment and frustration.

 

Don’t Forget to Like Me on FaceBook!!! http://facebook.com/DivaRea

Follow me @TotalDivaRea

Relationships & Sex

Fingers Crossed…


 

Why do boyfriends, girlfriends, husbands and wives lie to each other?

It is unpleasant to think about being betrayed by someone you love. No one likes to think that a significant other may be lying, especially not in their own relationship. And it’s probably safe to assume that everyone wants a close, romantic relationship that is built on openness, intimacy and trust. But despite our best intentions, our close relationships do not always work that way. Often, our romantic relationships involve some secrecy and deception. So my question is… why do people lie to those they love?

It took me sometime to understand this, because I feel that I am honest about a lot of things, some might say I am TOO honest, which again I didn’t understand. But after some research…I’ve come to the conclusion that we do all lie, some more than others, but we all do it.

 

I asked a few people, what things they lie to their partners about?  One example my coworker Christine gave me was, Her and her fiance are saving for their wedding, But when she goes shopping , comes home with her bags and he asks her how much she spent, She goes, “not that much everything was on sale” Even though none of it was really on sale. Even my mom does this; to this day my mom sneaks her shopping bags in the house when my stepfather isn’t home and the acts likes she’s had things for years when he asks her about something he’s never seen…another one of my other co works say she laughs at all her husband’s jokes, even when they aren’t funny, So there is a state where lying is “OK.” But understanding the balance on what to lie about and what not to lie about is where a lot of couples have problems.

Love tends to not work out the exact way we plan, which is sometimes where the excitement of Love lies. We tend to hold on to the fairy tales about how love should be, but to be honest…It’s not. Not saying it is wrong to expect and receive the best, but you have to understand and learn, that getting to the best isn’t always easy. Love is not enough to make a relationship last… Even though romantic relationships are viewed as the source of “much happiness, love, and understanding,” as it turns out, our closest relationships are actually the source of our most painful emotional experiences.

Close relationships are built on a mutual dependence, in other words, your actions impact your partner and vice versa. As interdependence increases, telling the trust becomes more essential. To have successful outcome, in your relationship, couples need to know and understand each other. On the other hand as interdependence increases, people also are no longer free to do what they want, when they want, with whom they want. So as we get closer to someone, telling the truth becomes more important but it also starts posing more risk.

Telling the truth is easy to do when interdependence is low, and you basically have nothing to lose. For example, those time where you are sitting on a plane or standing on a line pouring your heart out to a complete stranger. Telling the truth in such situations does not matter – there is no real consequence for doing so (nor is there any real benefit).

When interdependence is high, however, telling the truth is important. Telling the truth allows people to coordinate their actions, create intimacy and closeness. But, interdependence also makes deception more likely. Because partners expect and demand a lot from us, telling the truth carries more risk. Telling the truth in a close relationship can lead to increased conflict, negativity and it can restrain your goals.

As it stands, both telling the truth and deception are needed to make a relationship work. Intimacy requires honesty, but complete honesty tears couples apart; finding the right balance, can be difficult for many couples to do.

What’s your little white lie??