Sometimes, you find yourself in the rather vex position of feeling like you know the ‘real’ side of someone and that ‘everyone’ around them is being fooled. You see them going about their life as if everything is great (and it could actually be going great for them) and yet your head is still spinning from their treatment of you. In fact, your life may be in absolute array after your experience with them – your self-esteem may be shot and the last thing you think can do at this time is attempt to go on your life… Continue reading “You Really Think You’re The ONLY One That Knows The “Real” Them?”
Forgiveness and closure is something that many struggle with, myself included. Often it is because it feels like the other party involved “need” to be in agreement about our perception of things and to acknowledge where they went wrong. When there are unanswered questions, because they disappeared, moved on or passed away, and it feels like they just don’t get why we are so angry and hurt and unable to move on. It can feel like we’ll never get past it. What I’ve learned about forgiveness and closure recently, is that you definitely don’t need to gain agreement from the other party about your perspective on things. My own acknowledgement and validation travels a very long way. Moving on is a decision, a choice.
Forgiveness about the decision to let go. After you make the decision to forgive and let go, you have to honor it with the actions to support it. Sometimes we don’t consciously say, “I let go” and instead, we get on with the business of living, we nurture ourselves, we process our thoughts, feel all of our feelings even when they hurt, and one day realize that we feel less about something than we did before and we are in the process of letting go or have let go already. Whichever route you choose to take, the point is to stop holding it so closely. If you keep staring at something, revisiting, reliving it, if you don’t work through your feelings and gradually start to draw conclusions and learn from the insights gained, it just develops into something that drowns out perspective.
It is more important to forgive yourself. Letting go is about deciding to be “done” with something no matter how much more information or change you COULD seek. You have to ask yourself why you are devoting your life to expecting someone to change, feeling bad about the fact that they haven’t, and putting your own progress on hold in the process. You feel like, “I can’t move on until I get the answers that I need and they show remorse,” which is nothing but a declaration of a dead-end. Truth is, you CAN move on, you are just CHOOSING not to.
While it would be nice to gain agreement on how we see things, to get our feelings validated, and to get acknowledgement of where they have wronged you, not getting them doesn’t have to be the end all be all. You have got to learn to trust you own judgment.
In part one I explained how the opportunity to work at your relationship can really only exist, if you’re two people who are potentially right for each other but engaging in behaviours that are counterproductive to the success of the relationship. You both need to be coming from an honest, illusion free place otherwise your efforts will be pointless.
So where do you start? Continue reading “Stay or Go (Part 2 of 2)”
Being relationship smart doesn’t mean every relationship is going to work out. At times you will make mistakes and errors in judgment. You may end up doing stuff that is counterproductive to your own relationship success. But when you have a level of awareness about yourself and you interactions, you adapt your behavior and learn from it rather than repeating it and hoping it’ll work out without you getting uncomfortable.
“Being smart at anything means that you have to get uncomfortable.”
So what do you need to be Relationship Smart you ask? Continue reading “Realtionship Smarts”
Are you selling yourself short in dating, relationships and in life?
It always amazes me when I see women dwelling on a past relationship; sometimes YEARS after its ended. “You’re behaving like a woman who has no options”.
We as women sometimes act as if your only option is whatever guys you were seeing at the time and believe it is more important to be in a relationship and pursue this feeling of love and validation, than it was to be in a quality relationship. When you aren’t in a relationship, it may sometimes feel like you are just passing time, thirsty to fill up the “vacancy” left by the previous guy. You craved love, strongly seek out validation.
Dear Fighting for Validation,
I think I’ve said this before…but, “in order for someone to be jealous of you, you must have something they want”
There are a number of issues that are recurring themes in struggling or uncertain relationships and seeking validation is one of them. Women who love emotionally unavailable men spend an incredible amount of time engaged in activities that are supposed to lead to getting the validation that they seek.
While these guys are thinking, “I’m not that bad”, the women that love them are thinking variations of “Tell me that I’m good person of value and that I’m the exception.” It seems every woman wants to be the exception.
Guys get validation all the time that they’re not as bad as they really are, because the validation comes when they continue to get women and when each of those women accepts their behavior, because they are trying to be the exception!
We all have our values (even if we don’t use them) and they are tied to our beliefs determining what we feel is right and wrong, good and bad.
The only way I can define Seeking validation in relationships, is when you look to get confirmation that something is “true.” This cuts both ways so while you may spend a unreasonable amount of energy trying to get others to confirm that you are a person of value, loveable, a great girlfriend, the best girlfriend, the “one”, the best friend etc., you may also be someone who spends an equally amount of time confirming that negative things that you believe are actually true, creating a self-fulfilling prophecy.
We get involved with people that reflect what we believe about love, relationships, and ourselves.
So if you imagine that someone believes that relationships don’t last, that men disappear and cheat, and that there is something unlovable about her, she’ll get involved with someone who offers the least likely prospect for commitment who is likely to blow hot and cold and disappear or outright abandon her, and who will have a tendency to cheat with other women, hence making what you think to be “true”…True.
She’ll do this because her beliefs mean that she is afraid of actually going out there and committing herself because she’s afraid of it not lasting. Even if she met someone who would probably not do any of these, she wouldn’t believe them.
Despite ending up with someone that reflects her beliefs, she will look for validation by trying to get him to commit and stop disappearing, by staying with him even when he screws around on her or makes it clear that he is pursuing other interests, and by trying to get him to make her the exception to his rule of behavior and treat her with decency so that she can believe she is good enough, VALID, and lovable.
Instead, by this guy continuing his behavior, she’ll think that if she wasn’t flawed and a lovable person, she would have been able to hold onto him because good, lovable people get the guy to make them the exception, so every negative thing she already believes about herself is perpetuated.
That my friend is the self-fulfilling prophecy of seeking validation from people who are fundamentally incompatible with the concept of a healthy relationship. Stop focusing on trying to be the exception and focus on being an exceptional person and attracting an exceptional man…not an less than exceptional man and trying to make him see how exceptional you are.