Secret Letters

Fighting for Validation


Dear Fighting for Validation,

I think I’ve said this before…but, “in order for someone to be jealous of you, you must have something they want”

Continue reading “Fighting for Validation”

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Relationships & Sex

Love, Honesty, Respect (Some food for thought)


Ever been a relationship, where you feel like the other person isn’t completely on your side?? I mean really think about it. That moment when they stop supporting you because you always say the things they need to hear, but don’t want to hear. I feel that a lot of people who have ties to the exes in some way whether it be children, money, marriage, or anything else that would cause them to still be in your life, they tend to always choose their feelings over yours…sometimes directly, but usually indirectly….very passive aggressive. Now know when you have ties with someone, someone usually still has feelings, BUT, if you decided to move on, then that’s what it is.

Now I am not one to purposely hurt someone’s feelings, but if I had to choose between anyone’s feelings to hurt it would have to be my past and not my present relationship. When a man or woman is not capable of respecting their current relationship b/c “fear” or hurting someone’s feelings (especially an ex) they aren’t really someone who needs to be in a relationship with anyone else. Their partner will forever feel second or not as important, which is just a recipe for disaster. People say, “Well if you’re secure in you your position why worry about an ex?” But at some point it is your partner’s job to make you a priority and make YOUR feelings a priority over someone who is from their past. No matter how confident a man or woman is, they still has some insecurities and still needs some to reassure then at times.

“…I’m someone who is looking for love. Real love. Ridiculous, inconvenient, consuming, can’t-live-without-each-other love…” ~ Carrie, Sex in the City

Love is not something you feel only when you are around that person. Respect is not something you only give when you are around you partner. Honesty is not something you only give when you are around your boy/girlfriend or when you get caught. Love is felt all day, every day. And if you don’t feel it all day, every day, then you aren’t really in love. Respect is given and shown, even if that person isn’t there to see you giving it. If you don’t respect them or their feelings when they are not around, you don’t really respect them, you actually take them for granted. Honesty is given and shown to your partner and anyone trying to come between that all the times. When you do things and know it is wrong for whatever reason, you are being dishonest, disrespectful and showing how much you don’t truly love your partner…

Being in a relationship can really suck if you never feel like your partner is on your side, or if you’re with someone who always tries to justify their “inappropriate” behavior…So step back and recognize, you deserve someone who Loves you ALL DAY… Respects you ALL DAY, and someone who is Honest with you ALL DAY..without hestitation and without explination…

 

This is just a real quick food thought…

Relationships & Sex

Starting & Maintaining a New Relationship


“The best way to love is to love like you have never been hurt.”

Since Valentine’s Day is right around the corner I figured I write something that is positive and inspirational for people looking for love, found a new love, or even those who are trying to keep a love burning strong. Even those this is geared towards new relationships, it can relate to everyone, no matter what kind of situation you are in.

Starting new romantic relationships can be tricky. If you’ve been single for a while before this relationship, it may be hard for you to incorporate another person in your life. It may be hard for to break habits from a past relationship that you were used to.  There are so many things that hold people back from having a successful relationship. I’ve had my share of failed relationships. Some of them were my fault, some of them weren’t. But what I can say after dating someone, I always take something out of that relationship and learn from it. They only way to really know what you want and don’t want, are through experiences. Of course we all want someone that is loyal, faithful, stable, etc. But how do you get to that point and further if you don’t even know how to begin to maintain a relationship.  Believe me I am no expert on relationships, but I pay attention and learn from my past relationships to help make my new relationships better. It takes time and it may take a couple of tries and couple of heartbreaks, but eventually you’ll get there. I know that I am there yet…But I know I am more than capable of getting there now than before. So I just want to share with you guys some things that I’ve learned and things that I feel can help you maintain a new relationship.

 

First things first, avoid game playing (or keep it to a minimum). I know we women love having a man run around and chase us a bit. But let’s be serious, they aren’t going to chase you forever and if they do, when you do stop running you’ll realize that you’ve should’ve kept running because now you landed yourself a passive aggressive man. Someone you can walk all over. Which when you are look to settle down, isn’t someone you want to be with. Playing cat and mouse is cute, but not for long. Stop for a minute and get to know the person. If you start playing games more than likely the relationship will become distorted due to manipulated outcomes, and it will end before it barely began.

 

Secondly, Lose the Ex. If there is an ex still around, get rid of them. ASAP. Having an ex in the background, screams baggage, you may not be over them, issues and just a plain out headache. Don’t allow tensions with the ex or in some cases a cozy friendship with an ex to be the detriment of your relationship. When you have an ex close by, it is easy for your partner to assume that you’re not over them, or they aren’t over you in some way. Most people keep exes around as place holders or just because it’s familiar (or both). But remember, Exes are exes for a reason, and there is no room for them in your new relationship. And if you ex is someone who you also had a child with…you NEED to make it known to them that you are in a relationship, and take a step back from doing those relationship like things that you were still doing even after yall broke up b/c you were single and comfortable. You need to make known not only verbally but also with change in action that you are in a relationship. If you don’t, they won’t take your relationship you are in seriously and leads them to believe they can disrespect your new partner and can possibly cause drama down the line. If you do date someone else when you have child, Understand that is now your job reassure the person you are with that there is nothing between you and them. And reinerate to your ex that you have seriously moved on from them.

Live your life. Just because you start dating a person, doesn’t mean you just roll over the next day and stop having your own life. Don’t fall into the “trap” of sacrificing your own life and neglecting your friends, family or even work, just because you met someone.  Having your own life and not instantly depending on your partner gives off good vides that you are independent and personally happy.

 

Make time for your relationship. People have a habit of going from one extreme to another. They either are too dependent or have this “You don’t own me attitude” *rolls neck, snaps fingers* and seek to carry on with their own lives as if the partner doesn’t exist. It is definitely possible to have a relationship, career, family and friends. It is called balance. As a relationship grows, you tend to increase the time you spend with you partner, and if you want it to progress, you need to let your partner in.

 

Try and stick to arrangements. If you said you were going to call, then call. Also don’t do standing up, or rolling up late all the time. This creates unnecessary tensions and creates insecurity. Be respectful of each other’s time. Just like you were busy doing something else, they could’ve been doing something else, instead of waiting you. Sticking to plans and arrangements, shows you have a healthy level of respect for each other.

 

Get to you know your partner, OUTSIDE of the bedroom. Having sex is great, but if you want a relationship to grow into something more and actually survive you need to be doing more than just laying up in the bed.  Spend time just hanging out, talking and building a SOLID connection. This also at the end of the day enhances sexual chemistry.

 

Acknowledge and confront any red flags immediately. When we start new relationships we tend to focus on it being new and fresh and everything always seems perfect in the beginning. But TRUST ME when I say that things you fight about (or eventually break up over) are often things that could’ve been easily found out in the early stages of the relationship, if you only had opened your eyes. Don’t be afraid to call them out on behavior that you are not comfortable with. A person that’s wants a future with you will respect how you feel. I have been guilty of this in the past, I get so blinded by everything else and then down the line I’m like, “Damn I wish I would’ve known he was like this from the beginning.” But you know what, they were, I just wasn’t paying attention. But now, in my current relationship I speak my mind freely. If I don’t like something, or I feel that certain behaviors is inappropriate or not to my liking, better believe I am letting it be known. Bottom line is if they don’t know you have a problem with something, they won’t know to change it. And if they aren’t willing to change it, its time you move on.

 

Remember the little things matter. It’s not just the big gestures, but complimenting each other, phone calls out of the blue just to say they miss you. Remembering that special thing they like to eat and surprising them with it, breakfast in bed. Just be thoughtful. Don’t always expect them you bring bells and whistles with everything; quite frankly no one has the time or money for all of that, ALL THE TIME.  So learn to appreciate the small things and learn to give a little yourself. Don’t just take. Give.

 

Be as nice as you really are. Don’t pretend to be nicer than you really are, I mean really just be yourself. Don’t try and go overboard doing things and saying yes to things, because you don’t want to lose the person, because you tire yourself and the real you will come out and they will feel bamboozled. Don’t be so much of a giver that you start to feel resentful and start focusing on who’s giving and taking in the relationship. BE YOURSELF!!

 

Put both feet forward! Relationships do not bloom with one foot out the door.  You’re either in or you’re out.

 

Leave the drama at the door. I have had my share of bad relationships, but what I have learned is to DO NOT bring that situation into a new relationship. Yes I did say learn from your past, but don’t bring that attitude you ended with from your last relationship into your new one. They haven’t even done anything. Don’t assume they are going to cheat on you because the last person did. If you spend most of your time being bitter, negative and cynical, there’s no point of you being in a relationship.

 

Those are just a few things I’ve come up with.

 

Thanks for reading!!

 

Follow Me: @TotalDivaRea

Relationships & Sex

Breakup 101: Part One


No one enjoys a break up, even if you are the one who initiated the breakup. So I wanted to give you guys some breakup boundaries/tips that are crucial when going through a break up. I have broken it up into two sections, so that I am not bombarding you with too much at one time. So let’s jump right into it…

Do not settle for less for the sake of having just something, rather than nothing at all. When we are in pain from rejection and we have lost someone who we emotionally invested in, it is tempting to bargain with ourselves. We would rather have them on some, rather than no terms. We do this because it is a kneejerk reaction to the initial rejection and pain. We tell ourselves that because of what we feel for them, we can’t imagine them not being in our lives, in any way. So you settle for something like friendship. However, if you are both destined to be friends, it won’t be because you hung around straight after the break up, poking at each other emotions and keeping a place holder in each other lives. Distance and time give objectivity and you can ONLY be friends when you actually no longer want a relationship with them. That, and you can only be friends with someone who is actually friend worthy. (I will get more into this topic in a much later blog, so stay tuned for that).

Next, cut contact to give yourself time and space to grieve the loss of the relationship. I can say this with 110% of certainty that if they are ever going to miss you or regret the loss of you from their lives, it is sure as hell NOT going to happen with you hanging around, reminding them of your existence and seeking validation and attention!! Both parties need to respect each other’s time and do your own thing and grieve the loss of the relationship. You must have faith that if a person gives a damn about you, that friendship you think you so desperately need will be there in a few months’ time. Now I know my people with children would say, this is hard to do…but it’s not, you just have to approach it differently than people who have no strings attached. If you check out my blog “Avoiding Baby Momma/Daddy Drama,” and take a look at #2: “The conversations you have should be centered around the child.” Your vocal point after a breakup with your child’s father should be THE CHILD, you can worry about a friendship (if at all possible) at a later time. Don’t try and make a friendship happen right after a breakup, it’s unrealistic. It’s forced and phony. And are really willing to settle for a phony friendship?? If you say yes, then you furthermore prove my first point.

This should actually be number one, but when someone rejects you, register it as a red flag, step back, and do not try to change their mind. At first thought people say “I should fight for my relationship.” This has been something I felt strongly about before. Until I realized that from the moment someone utters the words that they want to break up, you pushing to keep something that they don’t want is like you negotiating you way back into their affections and their life. They have clearly said to you, that they no longer want you or the relationship enough to keep trying. No matter what the reasons are for the breakup, you’ll succeed at nothing with getting on your hands and knees and begging them to stay. I know we tend to feel like we’ve invested so much time and effort in the other person, but here’s the problem: they’ve already given up and thrown it away. Speaking from personal experience, you will not feel good or confident about the stability of the relationship, length of the relationship, if you have to pitch yourself and the relationship to a person like a used car salesman. This is where you need to have some pride. Respect their decision in the first instance, because it you try to persuade them out of their decision you remove you dignity. You don’t know better. You and they are not the same person. In some cases the other person may say, hey, “You didn’t fight for me to stay.” At that point you must realize they are playing a game. Only people who break up with you to watch you jump through hoops to try and persuade them otherwise is playing games; someone you don’t need to be with any way.

Recognize communication for what it is and not amplify it into them actually missing you and wanting to get back together. When someone misses you and has seriously thought about the loss of the relationship they will not send stupid text messages and emails. Someone who genuinely misses you will not only call you and arrange to meet to talk, they will be straight forward and make constructive suggestions as to how to get back together and progress the relationship. Someone sending messages saying, “Good Luck on the football game.” Or “How are you?” or “Thinking about you.” Or “How’s the love life?” (all real messages that I’ve either received [or have sent…LOL, yes I am guilty of this too.]) is just a lazy wayto hunt for an ego stroke, I way to still make themselves “relevant” in your life. This brings me to…

Don’t confuse yourself and do something that you will later regret. DO NOT sleep with your ex. If you do, accept the responsibility for the consequences. Sex with someone who you are accustomed to is comforting and great. Sex with some who is familiar and that you still feel something for but who has broken up with you, will feel great at that moment, but often filled with expectations, which usually lead to disappointment. Just because you start having sex with your ex again doesn’t mean you are getting back together…getting back together does not solely rely on getting laid, hence if you were actually getting back together you’d damn sure know it before you had sex. They may miss you, but they sure don’t miss you that much. If you are the type of person to have sex with expectation, it is not wise you treat it in a casual fashion, don’t have sex with you ex. While you may feel validated for the short term pleasure, it may have long lasing consequences that now set you back. Understand that you cannot sex your way back into a relationship. If sex was what held your relationship together, it was fragile anyway, plus you wouldn’t have broken up.

Part Two

Relationships & Sex

Avoiding Baby Momma/Daddy Drama: Tips for the BM and tips for the New Girlfriend


Definition: A Baby’s Mama is a woman who has a kid(s) for the guy she had intimate relations with. For one reason or another, realtionship didn’t last and she has been demoted from “girlfriend/wife” to “Baby Mama”. This demotion doesn’t sit well with her and she tries to keep other women away from her man by using scare tactics on them in the hope that once they are gone, he will want her back.

Dating someone with kids is probably on of the hardest things for  a female to do. And not the most ideal. Not saying men who have dated  or are dating a woman with kids don’t have a hard time but I am not a man, so I can only speak as a woman. I’ve come with a few Tips to help you decide and/or maintain a relationship with a man who has a  child and to avoid that “Baby Momma/Daddy Drama.By NO means am I a expert…I can only speak from observation, research & experience.

I am not perfect, and I can’t say I follow ALL of this BUT, they are crucial if you want to build on your relationship with your new man, maintain a realtionship with someone you’ve been with for a while, or if your thinking about starting a realtionship with a man who has a child. It may take time to get some of this under your belt. And believe me , it will NOT be easy; but it is working progress…

Now I didn’t forget about the Mothers!! Yall aren’t perfect. I gave you guys some Tips at the end as well, to avoid Drama as well!

But, let start of with my ladies who are dating man with a child:

  1. You must feel confident that your boyfriend is over his ex. If he’s always doing something for her like fixing tires, taking her to work, bringing her dinner, taking care of her when is she sick…Chances are, he’s not over her. Those things are NOT his responsibility. While he is doing all of that for her, where are you in the equation? On the back burner.
  2. If he talks negative or degrades the mother of his child, that may be a red flag…many men do this because they you want to feel comfortable or to impress you. Others do this to conceal their true feeling about the ex.
  3. A man who loves you and is IN love with you wants you to feel comfortable with his contact with his child’s mother. He won’t walk out of the room to speak to her. He doesn’t have to leave you home every time he goes to her house. You will be included on outings. Not every time, but he will invite you and include you into his child’s life.
  4. Be confident and reasonable. Don’t get mad when he gets on the phone with her. Since there is a child involved there will be conversations. You don’t have to insist every time he goes and picks up child, he will invite you or offer. If he never does,that’s another Red Flag
  5. Never degrade or belittle the ex, especially around the child.
  6. Good Communication is key. He must make you feel comfortable for you to be able to come and talk to him about your feelings and/or when you are feeling insecure. Because there WILL be times when you feel insecure. TRUST ME!
  7. If a man is in love with you, he does not want you to feel uncomfortable. A man who is in love with you will look at situations from YOUR Point of View. If he’s doesn’t, RED FLAG!!
  8. Let him handle the situation if you feel you are feeling uncomfortable or if you feel like you are being disrespected. Unless she brings the situation directly to you, do not engage. She doesn’t need to know how you feel or what you feel about their situation, she’ll just use it for ammo later.
  9. Pay attention to how he handles things. How he confronts situations. If he confronts her by throwing YOU under the bus, he probably doesn’t really respect how you feel. And what I mean by throwing you under the bus, I mean, let’s say you have a problem with him spending so much time over at her house…if the way he confronts her goes, “My girlfriend has a problem with me being here all the time so I am going to stop coming over so much.” That is throwing you under the bus.  He could’ve just simply stopped going over there so much, without discussing it with her, or if he did discuss it he could’ve just said, “you know, it inappropriate for me to be over here all the time now that I am in a committed relationship with someone.”
  10. LASTLY, You must be willing to walk away from the entire situation if you feel like you are constantly being disrespected or if you feel like you have not been being included. Some men avoid expressing how he feels about his new girlfriend to his child’s mother because they are scared of the reaction or already know they will not take well to it, but at the end of the day, sometimes, they just need to hear it. And if you man is IN love with you, he will have NO problem stating his position. RememberA man that is in love with you will raise to YOUR level of expectations.

Those are just some quick tips/practices for you ladies who are thinking about dating someone who has a child, or who may already be dating someone with a child.

Now for the ladies you have children by these men I came up with a few tips/practices for you guys as well. As new relationships develop after a child, everyone involved needs have a level of respect for ALL parties; the mothers, the fathers, the new girlfriend/boyfriend and the child. No one person deserves more respect than the other. You have to look at every situation as a possibility of a blended family being started. Even though it is not your job to make the new girlfriend feel comfortable, it also not beneficial when you treat them with disrespect. You make yourself look bad, jealous and bitter. And some women don’t mind looking like that, But for women who have respect for themselves and their child’s father, understand. So here a few tips/practices you ladies WITH children:

  1. Don’t argue. “You said you were going to buy three outfits, and you only bought two!” Gentle answers turns away wrath. If you see an argument progressing, step back and return when to the discussion when things have settled. People say arguing means you care, but in reality, arguing means no one is listening.
  2. Stop being jealous and bitter. The conversations you have should be centered around the child. Not, who is he with? Who’s he going to be with? Why he was with this person? Your jealously is just fueling his dislike for you. It is not longer your place to question his where abouts. 
  3. Don’t OVER expect anything from him. “A man is known by the fruit he bears.” Do you expect a peach tree to someday bear orange fruit?
  4.  Don’t be spiteful. He has a new girlfriend and now you don’t want your child around him? Come On, Really?? And if you’re just spiteful for no reason at all, Get over it!
  5. Don’t nag. The sound of a woman nagging is like the sound of dripping rain. Imagine how annoying that is. 
  6. Don’t make money the vocal point of the discussion. You’ll come off like a gold digger. Talking about money the wrong way can get under anyone’s skin. Stop depending on him to take care of YOU. His job is to take care of HIS CHILD! Stop it! Your a grown ass woman. He may be the father of your child, but unfortunately, he his not the man of YOUR house. 
  7.  Respect yourself! If you’re still sleeping with him, STOP. If you spending your part of your day thinking about how you’re going to break up/come between his new relationship, so he can go back to catering to you, STOP. You’re only making YOURSELF miserable.
  8. Respect him as a father. Let him know if you’re taking his child out of the state/country. Don’t ever manipulate his child or bad mouth him to your child.
  9. Respect him as man. Do not patronize him. Don’t attempt to emasculate him. Don’t bash him (to your child, family members or anyone else). When you try to make him look bad, you look bad.
  10. Stop using your child as a way to hold on to him. “If a man wants you, nothing can keep him away. If he doesn’t, NOTHING can make him stay. The sooner you get over it and move on and let go, the sooner you’ll be able to open yourself up to receive a better man.

*Disclaimer: Please do not get offended, because I do not kids…these are tips that were consolidate from just myself, but women that I know personally you have kids by a man that they are no longer in a relationship with. This is also things that I have learned as I do date a man with a child.

If you guys have anymore tips of opinions, please put them below!!

Don’t forget to follow me one twitter: @TotalDivaRea, also like me on Facebook (link is to the left)

 

Thanks for reading!!

Relationships & Sex

Reloaded:You Ain’t My Momma!!


Wrote this blog a while ago! But some of my feelings have changed. At the time I wrote this, I was in the situation (and still am). People say you’ll never understand until you are in the situation, and being in the situation will make you change your mind about how you feel…But honestly, a lot of the variables I mentioned in this blog are variables that I have experienced; which is why I am editing this blog so read on…

***Warning this is long, but it’s a great read!! So definitely read it when you have the time!! 

People say, the older you get. The chances of meeting someone who never had kids get slimmer. Other people say I’ve waited this long, why should I settle now. But is dating someone with kids really settling or is more of a compromise? He’s a great guy, treats you right, has a promising career and faithful…the one “downfall,” he has a child. What do you do? I am most certainly still on the fence about this.

 

I’m in my 20’s and childless. I have no one to worry about except myself…which mean it’s natural for me to be selfish, which I am well within my right to be. I don’t like coming second to anyone or anything. Let’s just say, when I go to the hair dresser, I schedule myself, for the earliest appointment possible and I arrive 15mins early, so I can be the first one in and the first one out. I don’t want anyone ahead of me. For me dating someone with kids, keeps me at 2nd, regardless of what I do.

 

People say it different kind of a relationship between a girlfriend/boyfriend and a parent/child, but bottom line…”if you ain’t first, your last” ~ Rick Bobby, Talladega Nights. LOL. And trust and believe you will NEVER come first. 

 

I feel this way for lots of reason. Remember the movie Sex in the City? Remember how the excitement of getting married no longer existed to Mr. Big because he’d been through it before? That’s how I feel about someone having kids…that initial excitement of having your first child has already been experienced with someone else. Yea having a baby is always an “exciting” experience, but there’s nothing like the first time, period. And quite frankly I don’t want to hear, “Oh when I had such and such, it went like this and went like that.” There’s always going to be comparison to that FIRST experience, which I had nothing to do with you. I don’t know about you, but I hate being compared to someone/something else.

 

Another thing that doesn’t quite sit well with me is the fact that, there’s this baby momma in the background, that’s always going to have this baby over the father’s head. Not saying all Baby Mommas are evil Bitches, but she cool now because she know her and your child together will always come before anyone, and honestly no one can threaten that at any time and some baby Mommas can be very messy, jealous, petty, immature….

I also believe that some women hold on to their feelings with a man they had a child with a little bit BECAUSE of the fact that they have a child together. Some women don’t want to be just looked at as “Baby Momma” or another statistic. Honestly some women having a baby out of wedlock makes them feel like a disappointment, like they let their parents down (shit some women get pregnant on purpose, thinking it’ll keep a man)…with all those situations, now you have to worry if the Baby Momma is going to come back and ask for a relationship again, because you know baby mommas have NO respect for the new girl. They think they forever have rights to their child’s father whether they are in a relationship with someone else or not.

 

To love someone is to love them and everything that comes with them, but damn, it hard enough being in a relationship with one person, now I got to worry about kids & baby mommas too…I mean I’m always down for a challenge, but really, has the medical world not progressed enough, for you all to get on birth control! Exhale, it’s too much. Especially when you’re in your 20’s and you’re just starting to find yourself and start looking for someone to share your life with, but only to find they are already sharing their life with someone else, whether you’re in their life or not.

 

I think the problem with a lot of people is once they have children they don’t exactly know how to integrate someone new in their lives. Also the own guilt and feel like they’ve failed as a parent b/c the relationship with the mother didn’t work out (and both parents no longer around at the same time, fulltime) gets in the way of their over happiness, and you may find yourself a victim of a mess THEY created.

Of course your kids come 1st in all I do….but you need to have other healthy relationships or you will go insane! If you are going to dedicate all of your emotional and physical self to your kids 24-7, you are going to create very self-centered, spoiled little brats. And no one wants to date someone who has bratty kids. In a few years when your children leave home and have their own lives, you will be feeling very lost…”

 

My initial advice for people who have kids is to date someone who has kids as well. They’ll probably be more understanding and more sensitive to the fact. But even, people with kids sometimes don’t want to date someone with kids. I can understand to some extent because again, it’s all about being number one, and if you have a child of your own and you date someone with kids, you and your child wouldn’t come first either. This is the ultimate selfishness, because it’s like asking someone to hold to a standard that you didn’t. To me it’s the equivalent to asking a man to have a job and car, but you don’t. Huh? Where they do that at??

 

My initial advice for people who don’t have kids…RUN in the other direction!!! Honestly…LOL for all the reasons I been giving. It is hard, a serious challenge and honestly, if your young don’t make that kind of commitment, and once you put yourself in a situation you can’t just back out, especially when feelings start getting involved.

 

Kids get older, attitudes change, yea, they all cute and shit when they little. But let’s be real, think back to when you were in middle, high school…You know what time it is! You know how you and your peers were. The,” You’re not my mother! You can’t tell me what to do! And I need attention”” tactics start kicking in.Who wants to be bothered with that in their 20’s, especially when it’s someone else’s child. Now being in your 20’s, you don’t HAVE to date someone with kids. Maybe if I was like 35+ the pickings are starting to get even slimmer, maybe even down to the bare minimum…But if you do end up in the situation in your 20’s, you have to decide if this is the kind of sacrifice you want to make? Is the person worth it?

 

You know people always ask me, well what if it were you who had a baby and trying to find a date; How would you feel if a guy said he wouldn’t date you because you had a baby? But Sorry, I don’t live my life based on what ifs; I live my life based on what is!!! And what it is, at the end of the day and as vain as it may sound I don’t have a baby. I took the precautions and made the decisions I needed so that I didn’t end up in that situation. So I don’t have to worry about it. If we lived our lives based on what ifs we would still be trying to build fire with sticks. But if I had to answer the question about a guy not wanting to date me because of the sole fact that I had a baby, my answer would be, he’s well with in his right to make that decision. People have to understand, having kids is instant baggage. It’s not a carry-on that you can just toss wherever and whenever you don’t want it.

 

Bottom line, sometimes it’s not the child; it’s the ex you had the baby with. Sometimes it’s both. Being with someone who has kids, their ex will ALWAYS be a part of your life. Yea you may miss out on a great person by not dating someone who has a child, but maybe you’ve also lucked out, and missed out on a having a bratty ass kid around, and a baby momma who secretly wants her baby father back…I’m not saying all situations are bad, but you have to weigh your options a really decide if this is the kind of commitment you want to make. Are you really ready to take that on? To me, you have to be willing and ok with not being at the top of the list. And most women are not ok with (even the ones who have kids aren’t ok with that). MMM, I’m on the fence about this for real. But like I said before, are you compromising your wants to suit other people’s situation? It may sound like your settling, but is it settling if you happy? For most dating someone with kids is a deal breaker. I know for me it used to be. BUT, I’ve found someone that makes ME happy and who I see myself being with in the long run. I have faith that mean and mines will work out. But honestly, if we happen to not work out…would I do it again…most certainly not. You can’t make that sacrifice for everyone…Just the one you Love.

 

So as you can see just because you’re in a situation, doesn’t mean you’ll change your mind about where you stand, you’ve just made an exception for a person you find exceptional…

 

Please leave your comments below, I would love some feedback…

Relationships & Sex

Money.Power.Respect.


How should a woman act when she makes more than her significant other w/o making him feel like less of a man?  Now, most people would say, well, just don’t tell him how much you make. Which would be quick easy and to the point…But what if you already past that stage…Sometimes you don’t need to tell someone how much you make for them to figure out that you a little more well off than them…

 

There’s nothing wrong with bringing home more money than you man. These days women are become more and more successful, if not more successful than men.

 

The problem is that I always seem to come across with this is, that I always help them when they need it, but I can never bring myself to ask them for help if I need it or if I do ask them (or when I don’t) they can’t or won’t do for me. 9 times out of 10 they aren’t going to have it and if they do have it then it’ll affect them later or maybe they are just selfish.

 Is it just wrong for a woman to help her man at all…I mean if my man needs a $100 or something, and I have it why not give it to him? But at the same time if I give it to him will he will always expect me to have it. Will it become a trend? How often is too often to ask your significant other for help?

 

I had someone in my past make a comment to me the, they said, “You’re never going to let me help you.” Now I don’t know how I should’ve taken that…Like, it’s not that I don’t want or need their help, but when it’s all said and done…you’re not able to help even if you really  wanted to. And quite frankly I just know when I ask for help it’s for something big and I just know it’s too much.

Which I can understand and that is fine, but is me not asking them belittling them or is me asking and him saying no, going to make him feel bad that he can’t help….it’s a sticky situation.


 I don’t want to come off to strong and too independent because I know man likes to feel needed to some extent, but if u can’t help me, u can’t help right???

It’s interesting to me that men say the love an independent woman. But if you act like you don’t need them, it’s a turn off. I guess there is such a thing called being TOO INDEPENDENT.

As a woman you don’t want to push a man away by him feeling less than you or like I don’t need him but also and you don’t want to lower your standards when it comes to your wants and/or needs…

 

There has to be some safe ground, where both parties are happy.

 

Now the easy answer would be keeping it 50/50. But let’s think about this, the money you make, the more money you spend…It’ll never be 50/50. Let’s say a woman can afford some Mr. Chou’s and you guy can only afford TGI Friday’s…should you lower your standards and go to Friday’s and bite the bullet. Now personally I love Friday’s. (Jack Daniel’s sauce is to die for), but on occasion I love dressing up and going to a nice restaurant that is out of the ordinary. I quite frankly I wouldn’t mind paying for my partner, however I don’t want to feel like I am giving more than I am receiving.  Granted a genuine person doesn’t give just to receive, but I mean really, there are some expectations when it comes to a relationship…There’s always going to be someone doing and giving more if you’re in that situation.

 

It’s all about compromise. Sometimes it’ll be him taking you out, sometimes you’ll be taking him out…but really if you’re in a real 50/50 situation, neither you nor the other person will even realize that you’re giving or getting more. Now if you realize that you’re giving more (which is usually because the other person is never giving and always receiving), you’re probably being used PERIOD. My advice if you make more, don’t change up your routine because you’re dealing with someone who makes less. To me if a man sees his woman doing well, it’ll encourage him to do even better. If you see him not changing or trying to grow himself, it may be time s to have a conversation. You don’t want to feel used or unappreciated in any relationship, so you need to find some common ground, even if that means setting some ground rules about your expenses. Hopefully no one’s situation ever gets to that point of setting rules, but if it does you can’t be afraid to put you foot down, because believe me, it’ll only make you unhappy.