Relationships & Sex

Signs That You Don’t Want to Be Happy…


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  • You keep becoming involved with emotionally unavailable men.
  • You keep taking on the role of being The Side Chick, The Other Woman, or whatever the kids are calling it these days. LOL
  • You go out with the Ass Hole Or the “Bad Boy” because you think they are more exciting.
  • You keep dating the same ‘type’ that makes you feel miserable and sometimes less than.
  • You meet a, “nice guy” who wants to treat you right and invest time in you and you say they are “Too Nice” or claim that it must be a front.
  • You want to be in a steady, committed relationship but keep sleeping around or being used sexually by guys, which eventually just breaks down your self esteem even more, which in return stops you from getting the relationship you may want (and deserve).
  • You get the opportunity to break up with the guy that is mistreating you, but you eventually take him back because you don’t value yourself enough and think it’s better to be with him, than starting all over.
  • You truly believe that it’s better to settle with anybody, than be alone.

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Relationships & Sex

Stay or Go (Part 2 of 2)



Knowing When to Work At Your Relationship P2: Questions to Ask Yourself & Key Signs

In part one I explained how the opportunity to work at your relationship can really only exist, if you’re two people who are potentially right for each other but engaging in behaviours that are counterproductive to the success of the relationship. You both need to be coming from an honest, illusion free place otherwise your efforts will be pointless.

So where do you start? Continue reading “Stay or Go (Part 2 of 2)”

Relationships & Sex

Stay or Go? (Part 1 or 2)


Knowing when to work at a relationship can be stressful. Should you stay? Should you go? If you stay, should you just wait to see if things get better in time? Should you try to get your partner to change? Should you keep talking about the issues in the hope that it triggers understanding, remorse, resolve to change, and ensuring action? How do you know when to work at your relationship? Continue reading “Stay or Go? (Part 1 or 2)”

Relationships & Sex

Limited Love?? No Options??


Are you selling yourself short in dating, relationships and in life?

It always amazes me when I see women dwelling on a past relationship; sometimes YEARS after its ended. “You’re behaving like a woman who has no options”.

We as women sometimes act as if your only option is whatever guys you were seeing at the time and believe it is more important to be in a relationship and pursue this feeling of love and validation, than it was to be in a quality relationship. When you aren’t in a relationship, it may sometimes feel like you are just passing time, thirsty to fill up the “vacancy” left by the previous guy. You craved love, strongly seek out validation.

Continue reading “Limited Love?? No Options??”

Relationships & Sex

Love, Honesty, Respect (Some food for thought)


Ever been a relationship, where you feel like the other person isn’t completely on your side?? I mean really think about it. That moment when they stop supporting you because you always say the things they need to hear, but don’t want to hear. I feel that a lot of people who have ties to the exes in some way whether it be children, money, marriage, or anything else that would cause them to still be in your life, they tend to always choose their feelings over yours…sometimes directly, but usually indirectly….very passive aggressive. Now know when you have ties with someone, someone usually still has feelings, BUT, if you decided to move on, then that’s what it is.

Now I am not one to purposely hurt someone’s feelings, but if I had to choose between anyone’s feelings to hurt it would have to be my past and not my present relationship. When a man or woman is not capable of respecting their current relationship b/c “fear” or hurting someone’s feelings (especially an ex) they aren’t really someone who needs to be in a relationship with anyone else. Their partner will forever feel second or not as important, which is just a recipe for disaster. People say, “Well if you’re secure in you your position why worry about an ex?” But at some point it is your partner’s job to make you a priority and make YOUR feelings a priority over someone who is from their past. No matter how confident a man or woman is, they still has some insecurities and still needs some to reassure then at times.

“…I’m someone who is looking for love. Real love. Ridiculous, inconvenient, consuming, can’t-live-without-each-other love…” ~ Carrie, Sex in the City

Love is not something you feel only when you are around that person. Respect is not something you only give when you are around you partner. Honesty is not something you only give when you are around your boy/girlfriend or when you get caught. Love is felt all day, every day. And if you don’t feel it all day, every day, then you aren’t really in love. Respect is given and shown, even if that person isn’t there to see you giving it. If you don’t respect them or their feelings when they are not around, you don’t really respect them, you actually take them for granted. Honesty is given and shown to your partner and anyone trying to come between that all the times. When you do things and know it is wrong for whatever reason, you are being dishonest, disrespectful and showing how much you don’t truly love your partner…

Being in a relationship can really suck if you never feel like your partner is on your side, or if you’re with someone who always tries to justify their “inappropriate” behavior…So step back and recognize, you deserve someone who Loves you ALL DAY… Respects you ALL DAY, and someone who is Honest with you ALL DAY..without hestitation and without explination…

 

This is just a real quick food thought…

Relationships & Sex

Avoiding Baby Momma/Daddy Drama: Tips for the BM and tips for the New Girlfriend


Definition: A Baby’s Mama is a woman who has a kid(s) for the guy she had intimate relations with. For one reason or another, realtionship didn’t last and she has been demoted from “girlfriend/wife” to “Baby Mama”. This demotion doesn’t sit well with her and she tries to keep other women away from her man by using scare tactics on them in the hope that once they are gone, he will want her back.

Dating someone with kids is probably on of the hardest things for  a female to do. And not the most ideal. Not saying men who have dated  or are dating a woman with kids don’t have a hard time but I am not a man, so I can only speak as a woman. I’ve come with a few Tips to help you decide and/or maintain a relationship with a man who has a  child and to avoid that “Baby Momma/Daddy Drama.By NO means am I a expert…I can only speak from observation, research & experience.

I am not perfect, and I can’t say I follow ALL of this BUT, they are crucial if you want to build on your relationship with your new man, maintain a realtionship with someone you’ve been with for a while, or if your thinking about starting a realtionship with a man who has a child. It may take time to get some of this under your belt. And believe me , it will NOT be easy; but it is working progress…

Now I didn’t forget about the Mothers!! Yall aren’t perfect. I gave you guys some Tips at the end as well, to avoid Drama as well!

But, let start of with my ladies who are dating man with a child:

  1. You must feel confident that your boyfriend is over his ex. If he’s always doing something for her like fixing tires, taking her to work, bringing her dinner, taking care of her when is she sick…Chances are, he’s not over her. Those things are NOT his responsibility. While he is doing all of that for her, where are you in the equation? On the back burner.
  2. If he talks negative or degrades the mother of his child, that may be a red flag…many men do this because they you want to feel comfortable or to impress you. Others do this to conceal their true feeling about the ex.
  3. A man who loves you and is IN love with you wants you to feel comfortable with his contact with his child’s mother. He won’t walk out of the room to speak to her. He doesn’t have to leave you home every time he goes to her house. You will be included on outings. Not every time, but he will invite you and include you into his child’s life.
  4. Be confident and reasonable. Don’t get mad when he gets on the phone with her. Since there is a child involved there will be conversations. You don’t have to insist every time he goes and picks up child, he will invite you or offer. If he never does,that’s another Red Flag
  5. Never degrade or belittle the ex, especially around the child.
  6. Good Communication is key. He must make you feel comfortable for you to be able to come and talk to him about your feelings and/or when you are feeling insecure. Because there WILL be times when you feel insecure. TRUST ME!
  7. If a man is in love with you, he does not want you to feel uncomfortable. A man who is in love with you will look at situations from YOUR Point of View. If he’s doesn’t, RED FLAG!!
  8. Let him handle the situation if you feel you are feeling uncomfortable or if you feel like you are being disrespected. Unless she brings the situation directly to you, do not engage. She doesn’t need to know how you feel or what you feel about their situation, she’ll just use it for ammo later.
  9. Pay attention to how he handles things. How he confronts situations. If he confronts her by throwing YOU under the bus, he probably doesn’t really respect how you feel. And what I mean by throwing you under the bus, I mean, let’s say you have a problem with him spending so much time over at her house…if the way he confronts her goes, “My girlfriend has a problem with me being here all the time so I am going to stop coming over so much.” That is throwing you under the bus.  He could’ve just simply stopped going over there so much, without discussing it with her, or if he did discuss it he could’ve just said, “you know, it inappropriate for me to be over here all the time now that I am in a committed relationship with someone.”
  10. LASTLY, You must be willing to walk away from the entire situation if you feel like you are constantly being disrespected or if you feel like you have not been being included. Some men avoid expressing how he feels about his new girlfriend to his child’s mother because they are scared of the reaction or already know they will not take well to it, but at the end of the day, sometimes, they just need to hear it. And if you man is IN love with you, he will have NO problem stating his position. RememberA man that is in love with you will raise to YOUR level of expectations.

Those are just some quick tips/practices for you ladies who are thinking about dating someone who has a child, or who may already be dating someone with a child.

Now for the ladies you have children by these men I came up with a few tips/practices for you guys as well. As new relationships develop after a child, everyone involved needs have a level of respect for ALL parties; the mothers, the fathers, the new girlfriend/boyfriend and the child. No one person deserves more respect than the other. You have to look at every situation as a possibility of a blended family being started. Even though it is not your job to make the new girlfriend feel comfortable, it also not beneficial when you treat them with disrespect. You make yourself look bad, jealous and bitter. And some women don’t mind looking like that, But for women who have respect for themselves and their child’s father, understand. So here a few tips/practices you ladies WITH children:

  1. Don’t argue. “You said you were going to buy three outfits, and you only bought two!” Gentle answers turns away wrath. If you see an argument progressing, step back and return when to the discussion when things have settled. People say arguing means you care, but in reality, arguing means no one is listening.
  2. Stop being jealous and bitter. The conversations you have should be centered around the child. Not, who is he with? Who’s he going to be with? Why he was with this person? Your jealously is just fueling his dislike for you. It is not longer your place to question his where abouts. 
  3. Don’t OVER expect anything from him. “A man is known by the fruit he bears.” Do you expect a peach tree to someday bear orange fruit?
  4.  Don’t be spiteful. He has a new girlfriend and now you don’t want your child around him? Come On, Really?? And if you’re just spiteful for no reason at all, Get over it!
  5. Don’t nag. The sound of a woman nagging is like the sound of dripping rain. Imagine how annoying that is. 
  6. Don’t make money the vocal point of the discussion. You’ll come off like a gold digger. Talking about money the wrong way can get under anyone’s skin. Stop depending on him to take care of YOU. His job is to take care of HIS CHILD! Stop it! Your a grown ass woman. He may be the father of your child, but unfortunately, he his not the man of YOUR house. 
  7.  Respect yourself! If you’re still sleeping with him, STOP. If you spending your part of your day thinking about how you’re going to break up/come between his new relationship, so he can go back to catering to you, STOP. You’re only making YOURSELF miserable.
  8. Respect him as a father. Let him know if you’re taking his child out of the state/country. Don’t ever manipulate his child or bad mouth him to your child.
  9. Respect him as man. Do not patronize him. Don’t attempt to emasculate him. Don’t bash him (to your child, family members or anyone else). When you try to make him look bad, you look bad.
  10. Stop using your child as a way to hold on to him. “If a man wants you, nothing can keep him away. If he doesn’t, NOTHING can make him stay. The sooner you get over it and move on and let go, the sooner you’ll be able to open yourself up to receive a better man.

*Disclaimer: Please do not get offended, because I do not kids…these are tips that were consolidate from just myself, but women that I know personally you have kids by a man that they are no longer in a relationship with. This is also things that I have learned as I do date a man with a child.

If you guys have anymore tips of opinions, please put them below!!

Don’t forget to follow me one twitter: @TotalDivaRea, also like me on Facebook (link is to the left)

 

Thanks for reading!!

Relationships & Sex

Rebuilding that thing called…


“It takes years to build up trust, and just seconds to destroy it.”– Unknown.

 

I am not the best person when it comes to forgiving someone after they’ve betrayed and lied to me and I tend to make that very clear before I start any relationship.

 

For most people, trust is one of the hardest things to get back. After someone lies to you or betrays you, their words become harder to believe. At this point in your relationship, you have to decide, is this relationship worth saving?

 

A lot of couples can recover from lies and build a stronger and closer relationship. Several factors influence how successful couples will be at saving a relationship: the tone and quality of the relationship prior to the disloyal action, the commitment of BOTH partners to make the relationship work and effective communication skills are critical to the recovery process.

First ask yourself this, is your relationship worth saving? A lot of people bail out on relationships at the first sign of trouble. We all have to understand NO relationship is perfect. And it takes continuous work. People WILL mess up…but it is up to decide if the lie, infidelity or whatever is worth losing your partner over. Please understand, once you make you decision stick to it. Some people have a tendency of walking away and then wanting that person back and SOMETIMES it IS too late at that point. They may have already moved on and met someone else or their feelings just aren’t there for you in that way anymore.

 

If you have trouble answering that question, make a list…pro and cons. Sometimes you need to see it on paper to really see where you stand with a person. Think of all the people you would want to spend the day with, is this person one of them?? Do you have the same morals & goals? Do you express a lot of affection towards each other, or is there a lot off negativity? Do you feel comfortable sharing your innermost thoughts with your partner?? How easy is it for you to talk to your partner?

 

These are just some questions you can ask yourself to get your mind going on if your relationship is worth saving.

 

If you decide your relationship is not worth saving, then let go and move on with your life and there is no need to read any further. But if you say, yes my relationship is worth saving, you will go through some stages. The trauma of the discovery, the assessment of how both partners want to go about resolving the problem, and finally repairing and restoring the trust.

 

I know when I’ve lost trust in a person I am with the first thing I think about is, How could you do this? I always wonder, how could you be happy in a relationship if you can lie to me? How can you say you love me and lie to me?

 

Romantic relationships are built on positive, romantic illusions. A romantic attachment is a deep emotional bond to another individual. The attachments we form are designed to keep people together. Discovery of a lie shatters those illusions. It creates a lot of uncertainty and raises questions, like the ones above.

 

Once you start asking these questions you can find yourself consumed with anger, and obsessive thoughts, dwelling on the incident. The best way to deal with these feelings is just to discuss your feelings in a non-judgmental environment, where someone will simply listen…Don’t look for advice, just vent. At this point advice is useless…you are way too emotionally agitated to even think clearly and digest advice. Sharing your feelings with someone who cares, your feelings will become less intense.

 

After the initial shock has died down (which will not happen overnight), it helps to make some assessments of how you and your partner want to resolve the problem. To save a relationship after the loss of trust requires two people working towards the same goal. A commitment to the relationship works best when it is based on mutual desire. Forcing your partner to make a commitment to the relationship doesn’t carry the same weight as a commitment which has been give freely.

 

After both parties have decided to move forward and save their relationship the next stage is the MOST difficult.

  

People often lack insight into their own behavior and if they do understand why they lied or cheated, they often do not want to admit this information with their partner, thinking that if they do it would cause more problems, which is a common misconception. The truth is if the real issues are not identified they are less likely to get resolved. By approaching a problem as a couple it can entrust the person who has been lied to, by providing them with a sense of control. Working together can bring back a sense of confidence and security, which is crucial when trying to rebuild trust.

 

In addition to identifying the vital motivation of the lie, it is essential to frankly discuss the details of what happened. Again DO NOT try and conceal details, it often leads to lingering questions, which if not addressed, they are unlikely to go away…and if questions are lingering, it is impossible for your partner to not dwell on the incident. Telling the truth can be painful, but is necessary when trying to move forward.

 

Doing these two things (identifying the motivation factors of the lie and the discussing of the details) are the MOST difficult for most couples to manage. They require loss of insight and communication skills. If not handled productively, it can lead to further problems, resentment and frustration.

 

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Relationships & Sex

Fingers Crossed…


 

Why do boyfriends, girlfriends, husbands and wives lie to each other?

It is unpleasant to think about being betrayed by someone you love. No one likes to think that a significant other may be lying, especially not in their own relationship. And it’s probably safe to assume that everyone wants a close, romantic relationship that is built on openness, intimacy and trust. But despite our best intentions, our close relationships do not always work that way. Often, our romantic relationships involve some secrecy and deception. So my question is… why do people lie to those they love?

It took me sometime to understand this, because I feel that I am honest about a lot of things, some might say I am TOO honest, which again I didn’t understand. But after some research…I’ve come to the conclusion that we do all lie, some more than others, but we all do it.

 

I asked a few people, what things they lie to their partners about?  One example my coworker Christine gave me was, Her and her fiance are saving for their wedding, But when she goes shopping , comes home with her bags and he asks her how much she spent, She goes, “not that much everything was on sale” Even though none of it was really on sale. Even my mom does this; to this day my mom sneaks her shopping bags in the house when my stepfather isn’t home and the acts likes she’s had things for years when he asks her about something he’s never seen…another one of my other co works say she laughs at all her husband’s jokes, even when they aren’t funny, So there is a state where lying is “OK.” But understanding the balance on what to lie about and what not to lie about is where a lot of couples have problems.

Love tends to not work out the exact way we plan, which is sometimes where the excitement of Love lies. We tend to hold on to the fairy tales about how love should be, but to be honest…It’s not. Not saying it is wrong to expect and receive the best, but you have to understand and learn, that getting to the best isn’t always easy. Love is not enough to make a relationship last… Even though romantic relationships are viewed as the source of “much happiness, love, and understanding,” as it turns out, our closest relationships are actually the source of our most painful emotional experiences.

Close relationships are built on a mutual dependence, in other words, your actions impact your partner and vice versa. As interdependence increases, telling the trust becomes more essential. To have successful outcome, in your relationship, couples need to know and understand each other. On the other hand as interdependence increases, people also are no longer free to do what they want, when they want, with whom they want. So as we get closer to someone, telling the truth becomes more important but it also starts posing more risk.

Telling the truth is easy to do when interdependence is low, and you basically have nothing to lose. For example, those time where you are sitting on a plane or standing on a line pouring your heart out to a complete stranger. Telling the truth in such situations does not matter – there is no real consequence for doing so (nor is there any real benefit).

When interdependence is high, however, telling the truth is important. Telling the truth allows people to coordinate their actions, create intimacy and closeness. But, interdependence also makes deception more likely. Because partners expect and demand a lot from us, telling the truth carries more risk. Telling the truth in a close relationship can lead to increased conflict, negativity and it can restrain your goals.

As it stands, both telling the truth and deception are needed to make a relationship work. Intimacy requires honesty, but complete honesty tears couples apart; finding the right balance, can be difficult for many couples to do.

What’s your little white lie??

Relationships & Sex

Reloaded:You Ain’t My Momma!!


Wrote this blog a while ago! But some of my feelings have changed. At the time I wrote this, I was in the situation (and still am). People say you’ll never understand until you are in the situation, and being in the situation will make you change your mind about how you feel…But honestly, a lot of the variables I mentioned in this blog are variables that I have experienced; which is why I am editing this blog so read on…

***Warning this is long, but it’s a great read!! So definitely read it when you have the time!! 

People say, the older you get. The chances of meeting someone who never had kids get slimmer. Other people say I’ve waited this long, why should I settle now. But is dating someone with kids really settling or is more of a compromise? He’s a great guy, treats you right, has a promising career and faithful…the one “downfall,” he has a child. What do you do? I am most certainly still on the fence about this.

 

I’m in my 20’s and childless. I have no one to worry about except myself…which mean it’s natural for me to be selfish, which I am well within my right to be. I don’t like coming second to anyone or anything. Let’s just say, when I go to the hair dresser, I schedule myself, for the earliest appointment possible and I arrive 15mins early, so I can be the first one in and the first one out. I don’t want anyone ahead of me. For me dating someone with kids, keeps me at 2nd, regardless of what I do.

 

People say it different kind of a relationship between a girlfriend/boyfriend and a parent/child, but bottom line…”if you ain’t first, your last” ~ Rick Bobby, Talladega Nights. LOL. And trust and believe you will NEVER come first. 

 

I feel this way for lots of reason. Remember the movie Sex in the City? Remember how the excitement of getting married no longer existed to Mr. Big because he’d been through it before? That’s how I feel about someone having kids…that initial excitement of having your first child has already been experienced with someone else. Yea having a baby is always an “exciting” experience, but there’s nothing like the first time, period. And quite frankly I don’t want to hear, “Oh when I had such and such, it went like this and went like that.” There’s always going to be comparison to that FIRST experience, which I had nothing to do with you. I don’t know about you, but I hate being compared to someone/something else.

 

Another thing that doesn’t quite sit well with me is the fact that, there’s this baby momma in the background, that’s always going to have this baby over the father’s head. Not saying all Baby Mommas are evil Bitches, but she cool now because she know her and your child together will always come before anyone, and honestly no one can threaten that at any time and some baby Mommas can be very messy, jealous, petty, immature….

I also believe that some women hold on to their feelings with a man they had a child with a little bit BECAUSE of the fact that they have a child together. Some women don’t want to be just looked at as “Baby Momma” or another statistic. Honestly some women having a baby out of wedlock makes them feel like a disappointment, like they let their parents down (shit some women get pregnant on purpose, thinking it’ll keep a man)…with all those situations, now you have to worry if the Baby Momma is going to come back and ask for a relationship again, because you know baby mommas have NO respect for the new girl. They think they forever have rights to their child’s father whether they are in a relationship with someone else or not.

 

To love someone is to love them and everything that comes with them, but damn, it hard enough being in a relationship with one person, now I got to worry about kids & baby mommas too…I mean I’m always down for a challenge, but really, has the medical world not progressed enough, for you all to get on birth control! Exhale, it’s too much. Especially when you’re in your 20’s and you’re just starting to find yourself and start looking for someone to share your life with, but only to find they are already sharing their life with someone else, whether you’re in their life or not.

 

I think the problem with a lot of people is once they have children they don’t exactly know how to integrate someone new in their lives. Also the own guilt and feel like they’ve failed as a parent b/c the relationship with the mother didn’t work out (and both parents no longer around at the same time, fulltime) gets in the way of their over happiness, and you may find yourself a victim of a mess THEY created.

Of course your kids come 1st in all I do….but you need to have other healthy relationships or you will go insane! If you are going to dedicate all of your emotional and physical self to your kids 24-7, you are going to create very self-centered, spoiled little brats. And no one wants to date someone who has bratty kids. In a few years when your children leave home and have their own lives, you will be feeling very lost…”

 

My initial advice for people who have kids is to date someone who has kids as well. They’ll probably be more understanding and more sensitive to the fact. But even, people with kids sometimes don’t want to date someone with kids. I can understand to some extent because again, it’s all about being number one, and if you have a child of your own and you date someone with kids, you and your child wouldn’t come first either. This is the ultimate selfishness, because it’s like asking someone to hold to a standard that you didn’t. To me it’s the equivalent to asking a man to have a job and car, but you don’t. Huh? Where they do that at??

 

My initial advice for people who don’t have kids…RUN in the other direction!!! Honestly…LOL for all the reasons I been giving. It is hard, a serious challenge and honestly, if your young don’t make that kind of commitment, and once you put yourself in a situation you can’t just back out, especially when feelings start getting involved.

 

Kids get older, attitudes change, yea, they all cute and shit when they little. But let’s be real, think back to when you were in middle, high school…You know what time it is! You know how you and your peers were. The,” You’re not my mother! You can’t tell me what to do! And I need attention”” tactics start kicking in.Who wants to be bothered with that in their 20’s, especially when it’s someone else’s child. Now being in your 20’s, you don’t HAVE to date someone with kids. Maybe if I was like 35+ the pickings are starting to get even slimmer, maybe even down to the bare minimum…But if you do end up in the situation in your 20’s, you have to decide if this is the kind of sacrifice you want to make? Is the person worth it?

 

You know people always ask me, well what if it were you who had a baby and trying to find a date; How would you feel if a guy said he wouldn’t date you because you had a baby? But Sorry, I don’t live my life based on what ifs; I live my life based on what is!!! And what it is, at the end of the day and as vain as it may sound I don’t have a baby. I took the precautions and made the decisions I needed so that I didn’t end up in that situation. So I don’t have to worry about it. If we lived our lives based on what ifs we would still be trying to build fire with sticks. But if I had to answer the question about a guy not wanting to date me because of the sole fact that I had a baby, my answer would be, he’s well with in his right to make that decision. People have to understand, having kids is instant baggage. It’s not a carry-on that you can just toss wherever and whenever you don’t want it.

 

Bottom line, sometimes it’s not the child; it’s the ex you had the baby with. Sometimes it’s both. Being with someone who has kids, their ex will ALWAYS be a part of your life. Yea you may miss out on a great person by not dating someone who has a child, but maybe you’ve also lucked out, and missed out on a having a bratty ass kid around, and a baby momma who secretly wants her baby father back…I’m not saying all situations are bad, but you have to weigh your options a really decide if this is the kind of commitment you want to make. Are you really ready to take that on? To me, you have to be willing and ok with not being at the top of the list. And most women are not ok with (even the ones who have kids aren’t ok with that). MMM, I’m on the fence about this for real. But like I said before, are you compromising your wants to suit other people’s situation? It may sound like your settling, but is it settling if you happy? For most dating someone with kids is a deal breaker. I know for me it used to be. BUT, I’ve found someone that makes ME happy and who I see myself being with in the long run. I have faith that mean and mines will work out. But honestly, if we happen to not work out…would I do it again…most certainly not. You can’t make that sacrifice for everyone…Just the one you Love.

 

So as you can see just because you’re in a situation, doesn’t mean you’ll change your mind about where you stand, you’ve just made an exception for a person you find exceptional…

 

Please leave your comments below, I would love some feedback…

Relationships & Sex

The Dilemma


So it’s been a minute since I written a “relationship blog” and I’ve actually been working on this one for a few weeks, and seeing someone that I am subscribed to talk about this, made me want to finish writing it.

A few months ago (maybe even last year some time…LOL), a friend of mine Dianne (Make sure you go check out her Natural Hair Blog: http://dbld17.tumblr.com/) posted a question on the Facebook:  If you friend’s boyfriend/girl friend is cheating on them, should you tell your friend?  And it got me to thinking, would I tell my friend if they were being cheated on.

Now at first thought I’m like HELL YEA you should tell. Then I really think about, Ok Maybe I should just hint at the idea? I mean if it were me I would want someone to tell me right? Some people think, well if I tell then I’ve just ruined a relationship. If I tell, my friend is just going to think I’m hating or jealous. Now If I don’t tell I am lying to my friend. If I don’t tell then I’m letting her stay in a relationship where someone is just treating her wrong. You know with all the WHAT IFS and conclusion at the end of the day YOUR FRIEND IS BEING CHEATED ON. And quite frankly, if my friend knew and didn’t tell me, I would be pissed; and if my friend told me and I didn’t believe them, then found out on my own, I’m going to wish I listened to my friend. At least as a true friend you did the right thing by telling them, especially if you know FOR SURE their partner is dipping out on them. I wouldn’t go to my friend with an assumption. But regardless don’t you just hate to be the bearer of bad news??

We as women, we drive off of emotion. We have an instinct; we kind of get that feeling when someone is being deceitful to us. Sometimes we confront it; sometimes we are in denial, sometime we need someone to give us a reality check. My point in saying that is, your friend may already know or at least have a feeling. (Now if it is a man, he’s probably completely clueless…LOL…Just joking). The thing about telling a friend something like this, you have to be SURE. You can’t just go, “Oh I saw your boyfriend is cheating on you with this girl in the Mall. It could’ve been cousin, a friend, and aunt, niece. But at the same time, that information may give you friend more reason to question their partner and that just may be just enough to get the ball rolling and have you friend ask questions.

Maybe telling you friend directly isn’t the answer. Have you ever seen that movie, The Dilemma with Vince Vaughn (“Ronny” in the movie) and Kevin James (“Nick” in the movie)? Ronny initially confronts Geneva (Winona Ryder) and tells her to tell Nick about she has been doing behind his back. Of course that plan kind of back fired because she in returned had some dirt on Ronny. In the movie he went to extreme lengths to catch her again, which is way too much stress for the average person, so I definitely wouldn’t recommend that route. However, maybe confronting the person who is cheating may a route to go. It may scare them enough that you’ll tell and come clean to your friend themselves.

Bottom line, it is a very hard position to be in. Whether you want to tell your friend, they their man that you know, keep it to yourself and hope for the best, whatever options you think you have, go with your gut. You may lose a friend, you may not; but do what you think is right. Remeber, your loyalty is ALWAYS to your friend.

As for what I would do, honestly I have no idea. I think for me it would depend on which friend it is. But for the most part I think I would tell…ok maybe just hint at the idea, like, ‘hey I saw your man at the mall with some girl, was that his cousin?” LOL No but seriously, what would you do??

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Looking forward to reading your responses…

Relationships & Sex

More Money Please!!


What classifies a woman as a gold digger??

Does choosing the man with more money classify you as a gold digger, does choosing the man with less money mean your standards are too low??

Think about it this way, if you met 2 guys handsome, smart, funny, sensitive, caring…except…one makes about 30k, the other makes about 100k; who would you choose? In my head I’m thinking why wouldn’t I choose some who makes good money? Does this classify me as a gold digger…NO…you may ask well why not? If you prefer a man who makes 100k over a man who makes 30k, that’s’ gold digging…No it’s not and shall explain why…

No matter what you say, women are attracted to successful men…Period. It’s a turn on, it’s sexy, it show maturity and dedication. Now there is a VERY thin line between gold digging and wanting more.

Now success doesn’t ONLY mean financially successful…A woman who is real and genuine would know this…A gold digger doesn’t see it that way.

Where I find a woman to be a “gold digger” is when they PURPOSELY and ONLY seeks out men who make large amounts of money and not even hesitate to turn down a man who makes less than what she wants. They feel the need to want someone who they feel can support them. Gold diggers also tend to except a lot and they have nothing to bring to the table themselves. Gold diggers will leave you when times get rough and business may not be going so well. Some may not really care to actually spend time with you unless you’re doing something for them. And hey if that’s how you get down, more power to you. Do you!

But that’s not me. I’ve dated all types of men. The rich ones, poor ones, the, “let me hold $20 till next week.” Ones, the straight up trifling ones are stingy, selfish and needy like a woman. Now don’t get me wrong I see no problem with maybe having a standard of what you would like, especially if you’re like me and have a reason why you avoid dating men who don’t make a certain caliber of money. It doesn’t mean you right off men who are less than what you expect, but you will probably a little more cautious to do so. Like Kayne says, “I ain’t saying she a gold digger, but she ain’t messing with no broke niggga”

Bottom line, a Gold Digger wants you solely for your money. A “normal” woman wants you for you. They want to spend time with you, get to know, split the bill sometimesJ. They are willing to give just as much as you, and at times more. A real woman will see that money isn’t the only thing that makes you successful.

Relationships & Sex

You Ain’t my Momma


I went through my High School yearbook and counted how many classmates of mine that I know for a fact, had kids. About 10% of my graduating class has given birth. That 10% only includes people who I know had kids and don’t included people who I don’t have contact with anymore to even know if they have kids or not…so that percentage could be higher so let’s just scoot that number up to 15% to be safe. Now I fall into the 85% who don’t have any kids. Some of those people who fall into the 85% use to date the people who now fall into the 15% of people who have kids. I wonder how they would feel about dating them now that they have kids. Does someone having kids affect if you would date them or not?

 

People say, the older you get. The chances of meeting someone who never had kids get slimmer. Other people say I’ve waited this long, why should I settle now. But is dating someone with kids really settling or is more of a compromise? He’s a great guy, treats you right, has a promising career and faithful…the one “downfall,” he has a baby. What do you do?

I’m in my 20’s and childless. I have no one to worry about except myself…which mean it’s natural for me to be selfish, which I am well within my right to be. I don’t like coming second to anyone or anything. Let’s just say, when I go to the hair dresser, I schedule myself, for the earliest appointment possible and I arrive 15mins early, so I can be the first one in and the first one out. I don’t want anyone ahead of me. For me dating someone with kids, keeps me at 2nd, regardless of what I do.

 

People say it different kind of a relationship between a girlfriend/boyfriend and a child, but bottom line…if there was a gun to your head and a gun to their child’s head; guess who’s taking the bullet??, which is understandable and the obvious decision. 2nd place is 2nd place no matter which way your try to sugar coat it. And if you think about it, you’re actually 3rd, because now the baby mommas come before you too. Think about this scenario, gun to your girlfriend and gun to the mother of your child…. MMM? Yea I’m dead Bitch…Of course that scenario is the most extreme and hopefully no one ever gets to that point. But I’m just saying.

 

I feel this way for lots of reason. Remember the movie Sex in the City? Remember how the excitement of getting married no longer existed to Mr. Big because he’d been through it before? That’s how I feel about someone having kids…that initial excitement of having your first child has already been experienced with someone else. Yea having a baby is always an “exciting” experience, but there’s nothing like the first time, period. And quite frankly I don’t want to hear, “Oh when I had such and such, it went like this and went like that.” There’s always going to be comparison to that FIRST experience, which I had nothing to do with me. I don’t know about you, but I hate being compared to someone else.

 

Another thing that doesn’t quite sit well with me is the fact that, there’s this baby momma in the background, that’s always going to have this baby over the father’s head. Not saying all women are evil baby mommas, but she cool now because she know her and your child together will always come before anyone, and honestly no one can threaten that at anytime.  To love someone is to love them and everything that comes with them, but damn, it hard enough being in a relationship with one person, now I got to worry about kids & baby mommas too…I mean I’m always down for a challenge, but there’s no comparison when it comes to family and whether I want it not, Baby Mommas are part of the family.

 

Exhale, it’s too much. Especially when you’re in your 20’s and you’re just starting to find yourself and start looking for someone to share your life with, but only to find they are already sharing their life with someone else, whether you’re in their life or not. To me it’s competition, competition with the child and completion with the momma. You want to spend all your free time with your man, but you know you can’t because now their free time has to be divided between you and their child.

 

My initial advice for people who have kids is to date someone who has kids as well. They’ll probably be more understanding and more sensitive to the fact. But even, people with kids sometimes don’t want to date someone with kids. I can understand to some extent because again, it’s all about being number one, and if you have a child of your own and you date someone with kids, you and your child wouldn’t come first either. This is the ultimate selfishness, because it’s like asking someone to hold to a standard that you didn’t. To me it’s the equivalent to asking a man to have a job and car, but you don’t. Huh? Where they do that at??

 

Kids get older, attitudes change. The,” You’re not my mother! You can’t tell me what to do!” tactics start kicking in. Who wants to be bothered with that in their 20’s, especially when it’s someone else’s child whose ass you can’t lay the smack down on…HAHA. Now being in your 20’s, you don’t have to date someone with kids. Maybe if I was like 35+ the pickings are starting to get even slimmer, maybe even down to the bare minimum…But if you do end up in the situation in your 20’s, you have to decide if this is the kind of sacrifice you want to make? Is the person worth it?

 

You know people always ask me, well what if it were you who had a baby and trying to find a date; How would you feel if a guy said he wouldn’t date you because you had a baby? But Sorry, I don’t live my life based on what ifs; I live my life based on what is!!! And what it is, at the end of the day and as vain as it may sound I don’t have a baby. So I don’t have to worry about it. If we lived our lives based on what ifs we would still be trying to build fire with sticks. But if I had to answer the question about a guy not wanting to date me because of the sole fact that I had a baby, my answer would be, he well with in his right to make that decision. People have to understand, having kids is instant baggage. It’s not a carry-on that you can just toss whenever you don’t want it.

 

Sometimes it’s not the child; it’s the ex you had the baby with. Being single and not having any kids, once I break up with an ex, it’s over and I usually have no contact with that person ever again. Being with someone who has kids, your ex will ALWAYS be a part of your life. Yea you may miss out on a great person by not dating someone who has a child, but maybe you’ve also lucked out, and missed out on a having bratty ass kids around, and a baby momma who secretly wants her baby father back…I’m not saying all situations are bad, but you have to weigh your options a really decide if this is the kind of commitment you want to make. Are you really ready to take that on? To me, you have to be willing and ok with not being at the top of the list. Maybe being in at least the top 5 is good enough. Good enough…OOOO, those words just irk me. Why have good enough, when u can have the best. MMM, I’m on the fence about this for real. But like I said before, are you compromising your want to suit other people’s situation? It may sound like your settling, but is it settling if you happy? When you find someone who makes you happy, this will have to be something you seriously think about, once you choose to accept it (or not) you have to be willing to face whatever consequences or chances that may happen,  both the good and the bad, because that’s what it’ll be, something you just have to deal with.

Relationships & Sex

“All I want is you…NOW”


Why is it that after a relationship ends, for whatever reason, the other person all of a sudden they realize they’ve made a huge mistake? They now come back to ask for you forgiveness and a second chance to make it up to you.

I know there’s a quote out there: “If you love something let it go if it is meant it will come back.” But what I don’t understand is, why should I have to let go what I love, just for it to come back? Why can’t people just get it right the first time??

 

Now I’m sure many of us have been in this situation, I know I have, what did you do? Did you take them back? For me, I have in the past, but as I got older I guess you can say I’ve learned not to.

Not because I didn’t think they’ve changed or because I no longer cared about them. But to me, I real man, recognizes a real woman and wouldn’t dare let that go. You know left the door open for someone else to swoop down…

Now I do agree that some people deserve a second chance, but sometimes you can’t rely on that second chance or let people know that you’re open to second chances. So you have to make the best of the situation that is front of you when it’s there. You know how some people say, this is a once in a lifetime opportunity…That’s how I personally look at relationships. We aren’t guaranteed another day, or another chance.

Even though I feel that way, It doesn’t stop me from the “what ifs.” What if I could’ve given him that second chance? Would things have worked out? MMMM…maybe, maybe not; but that wasn’t a chance I was willing to give.

 

To me, once we’re over, we’re over…I am all about second chances, but I am only willing to give those to someone I am committed to and an ex boyfriend looking for a second chance isn’t someone I am committed to. Maybe I was at one point I was, but not now. I mean I guess if you really love someone, you’ll take them back….Right???

I can forgive someone, but it doesn’t mean I have to take them back.

 

Why are there so many games when it comes to love? Is it is so hard for some people to see what they have, when they have it?

 

Do you give second chances when it comes to love???

Relationships & Sex

The Ex Factor


How many of you still talk to an ex? Do you think it’s ok to keep an ex as a friend after the relationship is over? Have you ever felt like, you don’t work well in a relationship, but maybe we’ll just make be better as friends.

My Opinion: I don’t like exes as friends; and by friends I mean someone who you continue to speak to or see on a “regular” basis…Lot of people say, it’s childish or, sometimes unnecessary. But bottom line, how many of you like these words after a break up: “we can still be friends.” You can’t tell me those words just don’t rub you the right way.

To me, if you don’t want me as you girlfriend, you don’t deserve me as a friend.

This is how I look at, if you can really be good friends with an ex, than you didn’t really have feelings for them to begin with. You know I look back and think about guys that I’ve dated, not just boyfriends…and self consciously, If I see them with someone else…I must say I get a tad bit jealous, well not jealous, I just think about what could of have been, what they could’ve had, and oddly I only think about that if I am not seeing anyone seriously. Now if I am seeing someone new, who I am so into, I could care less who or what my ex is doing.

You know I’m saying all this and I’m really not being fair. I do speak to some of my exes personally, but honestly, I won’t nor will I ever choose to make is on a daily basis. It’s just kind of like, “Hey, just making sure you still alive,” type of thing, nothing major, and there are definitely no feelings involved.

Now if you really want to keep someone as a friend after a breakup, you need to keep a few things in mind. For one, give yourself some mourning time. The longer you been with someone the more time you’ll probably need to consider them as a friend. It’s like that saying, “Time heals all wounds.” You may need 2 weeks, you may need 6 months, shit you may need a couple of years, but whatever time you need, TAKE IT! Once you reach that stage (if you ever do) remember KEEP IT PLATONIC!!! No kissing, no sexing for old time sake, no excessive flirting, etc.  Next thing you know, you in a fuck buddy situation () It’ll lead to dangerous grounds and you won’t be able to handle it emotionally. Instead look for love in other places. Date around. You’re now single and back on the prowl, you don’t want to fall back in unlikely routine with someone you’ve already dated and experienced, clearly it didn’t work out, so don’t waste you time think he’s going to change during this friendship. And if he does change, he may not be making that change for you.

Another think to keep in mind is Relationships are nothing without a good friendship. So set some boundaries for your emotions. Talk about things you guys have in common, similar interest. Don’t look for emotional fixes from you ex. If you sad, and wanna cry, sorry to say it…this is not one the friends’ shoulder you wanna be leaning on. Next thing you know you’re in venerable position, trying to figure where all these emotions came from and what just happened; and by any means, NO ANALYZING your past relationship. The whole, what went wrong? Why we didn’t work out? Blah Blah Blah. You should’ve gotten you closure before you took your mourning period…and if you didn’t the you need to wait until you have distance enough to talk about with out getting emotional.

If you at any time start catching feelings, you definitely need to take a step back and rethink this idea of being friends. Sometimes people get back together, sometimes that break is needed, but you need to re-evaluate before you open you heart up to that that door again.  And if you’re feeling something that the other person isn’t, it bed for friendship. PERIOD!

Be friends with an ex, is possible. But for me, it’s not ideal. Maybe if it’s a relationship that was short lived, or not as attached, I may be more open to it…but if there were some real feeling involved, I’m a little weary of that person in my life. I do speak to some, but like I said it’s very limited and extremely Platonic. How many of your exes are you friend???

Relationships & Sex

Passion is Always Needed


Women are emotional & passionate creatures. Men seem to be scared of that sometimes. They are scared of our passion, which always seems to be too much. So my question is: What the Hell is too passionate?

Relationships are hard. Some people don’t care to understand that 2 people are coming together. Together so that we can share ideas, and understand the other person’s thinking as way of life and then finding away to mesh it into one.

Some people grow together in a relationship. Some people grow apart. The people who grow together are the people who understand this concept. People who grow apart who people who basically live with making enough effort with each other to understand each other.

To be in a relationship you can’t be selfish in your own ways. You have to expand and experience your partner’s likes, even if you don’t like it, it’s a compromise. Relationships are all about compromise. People can be so selfish and lose the idea of what a relationship is all about. This is where arguments and fights start. Now don’t get me wrong, people will always have disagreements. But if you see you having the same argument over and over again, you may need to re-evaluate your relationship.

Now back to passion…

Why be in a relationship if you’re not going to be passionate about it? If you’re going to be in a relationship why only give 40-50 percent Now if I going to go out of my way and call someone my boyfriend and basically promise to be loyal and faithfully to him…That’s right I going to give 100 percent. If I didn’t want to give my all, then I would just be single and date around…excuse me if I take being a relationship seriously…If I’m not going to take it seriously, again, Y be in a relationship???

Relationships are 50/50 a , 2 way street…If you’re not willing to let someone in your life then be single, but eventually that shit gets lonely. So if you really want to be in a relationship take is serious, don’t waste your time on someone you don’t see yourself with in the long run, because honestly you won’t put in as much effort to keep that relationship going if you know you have no intention on it going anywhere. If you go hard! Of course you do hold back something…But put your best foot forward, so at least if it doesn’t work out, you know it’s not because you did something wrong and you gave 100 percent into something you care about?

 

Why is it that people can give 100 percent in a career they truly want, but hesitate to give 100 percent to a relationship you truly want?? Both are life changing scenarios and neither one are guaranteed? But why do meaningful relationships get put to the back burner??

 

Real Love calls for Real Passion.

Relationships & Sex

Where ya Ring At???


I’m wondering why is it that when females are in relationships, they put married or engaged as their relationship status when they are neither engaged or married, instead of just putting “in a relationship? Like almost engaged doesn’t = engaged…& almost married doesn’t = married. (FYI ladies just because you’ve been with a dude for some odd years don’t mean u guys are married). Some please explain this miss guided trend going on…

Ok so know that you get the drift…

Why do women do that?

Have women have become so obsessed w/ not wanting to be alone or obsessed with the idea of being married, that every time they get into a relationship they are calling men Husband instead of Boyfriend…I don’t understand…Using the words wifey (and hubby) is just so immature and childish. We are too old to be playing these kinds of games.

Like Hello Ladies, it’s almost 2011! We are much more independent and in some cases, More Successful than our men! Call him what he is…your man, boyfriend, significant other, partner…Anything other than Husband…Like that is a big responsibility that people don’t seem to understand.

If I’ve been dating a guys for 4 years plus, he’s still my boyfriend. I don’t care if we are together for double that…

Until he proposes….When you say yes to the proposal…You are then engaged. and I will call him my Fiancé’…and then, when you walk down the aisle and you both say I do…You are then married and you call him your Husband….See how this works People!!!

There are steps for a reason. It seems like more and more people sre treating marriage like a joke, instead of a lifelong, committed & serious relationship.

Like they say…Why buy the cow, when u can get the Milk for free…and Ladies giving a man this type of power/control over u at your own will is just one of the MANY ways you’re giving the cow away for free…

Being someone’s girlfriend is hard enough. But being someone’s wife should be something that is worked for harder, longer and with much more sacred…

And by the way…these the same chicks singing “Single Ladies”

If u liked, then u should put a ring on it”…

Well, ask yourself this question ladies…Where’s your ring at? He obviously doesn’t need to give you one because you’re calling him Husband without one anyway!!!

GET A CLUE!!