Relationships & Sex

I Broke ME by Believing in Something that wasn’t real…


So I’ve posted some pics on Instagram they other day and I felt the need to give some explanation about the theme and why I took the pictures, especially since they are private now…So No, you can’t go there anymore and see them…BUT I will post a few of them them here on my blog in a few days, but first some back story. In honor of Mental Health Awareness, I guess take this post as a “Journal Entry.” Because it is something that has been weighting heavy on me.

So for the past few months I’ve been feeling down, I don’t want to use the word depressed, but that may be the feeling. I’ve been Feeling like I was not enough and/or what I am looking for in a relationship is unattainable. No one is to blame for my feelings, except for myself. Yes every time you have an encounter with a “love interest” you visualize what your life could look like with that person…that is normal (at least I think it is…it’s normal for me). Sometimes you visualize and you don’t see it fitting in your life the way you want, and sometimes you see it fitting perfectly. I’ve experienced both side of this over the past 9 months (but I’ll explain the “not fitting” at another time)

So obviously I am not going to get in to detail with names or anything. But I will give a specific scenario:

I met this guy back in July 2020. Literally we hit it off after the 1st date, honestly after our 1st few conversations before meeting. I felt like we were on the same page about dating with a purpose. He was weird, funny, awkward, just seemed amazing. I felt myself really liking him…now from my experience…the more you show a man you like them, the less he’s attracted to you. Now my showing someone I like them isn’t like “effort” so to speak, it’s just something natural that takes place. So I brought this up to him, I probably didn’t explain it best…but that was the point I was trying to make, I said something along the lines, of “I don’t want to get too attached to fast, so it may feel like i’m pushing you away b/c I know how it is when a I show too much interest.” NOW DON”T GET ME WRONG, probably saying this to him was a bad IDEA, and I regretted it as soon as it left my mouth…nonetheless, he got highly offended and instantly got mad, and said “Is this why you are single” and “you call this dating with a purpose” Honestly, looking back, his reaction should have been a red flag for me…However, we decided to move forward with getting to know each other.

Long story short…the more interest I showed, the less interested he seemed. I don’t mean in a chasing way…it was more like I’m naturally thoughtful, Like if I FW you, I FW you. Which in hindsight…probably wasn’t the best way to be….I guess. I mean he literally would point out if I answered my phone too fast, or text back too fast…I can’t win…Men like to chase, but then I meet guys who get annoyed it I take to long to respond…So whether I do one or the other…I end up getting the shit end…Nonetheless we did talk everyday for HOURS (I mean 5-10+ hours straight a day). Weekends, not AS long, but definitely everyday…

Now there were things that happened in between, on his side from family things; deaths, diagnosis, etc. Alot was/is going on for him so I was understanding to that, but I also realized after a few incidents that the level of communication of being able for ME to express myself to that person was no there. I felt like If I said anything that was remotely not positive, it got shut down as if I were trying to start an argument…so I was kind of walking on eggshells…When I did ask him like what are we doing her said, “he’s not really ready for a relationship right, right now….Blah Blah Blah…Then he would say things, that maybe he was indirectly trying to tell me something, like he would say things like, “The woman I want, doesn’t want me right now.” Not talking about a specific woman but in a general sense of him not being ready for a relationship….which was odd in a way b/c when we met his outlook was on the lines of “I’m looking for a wife.” I felt like his tone about relationships changed all together, like he didn’t even believe in relationships anymore, almost like he didn’t even believe in love at all…It almost felt like he became pessimistic about idea of relationships all together.

I could say that his change of heart is a direct result of what he was going through with his family…b/c I’m not going to lie…It was ALOT of deaths…I think 3 (or 4) in a spam of 6/7 months since I knew him, plus a CLOSE family member being diagnosed with Cancer…So he definitely had a lot going on from when I met him…But as most people would say…the “with you is silent” Maybe he didn’t want those things with me.

I guess apart of me was thinking & maybe even convinced myself well I know it’s not sexual b/c we haven’t been intimate (except kind of this one time a few months in…and when I say KINDA, I mean KINDA for real), and we talk pretty all day everyday, how would he have time to talk to someone else, but anything possible right. Maybe he liked me as a friend, but was afraid to say just that. Whatever the case is, he didn’t want a relationship with me (either at that time, or at all).

At the end of the day, I just remember the final minor incident, I can’t even call it an argument, b/c I wasn’t upset, but he seemed to be, and I honestly don’t know why. Even though he said he was not, but after that day he pretty much stop calling me and reaching and I haven’t heard from him since…SO, I guess you can say he ghosted me. After a few weeks of feeling like WOW! After all the time we’ve spent talking, for hours you couldn’t even give me the decency to say, “hey, I need to take a step away from you.” I’ve realized after a couple of months, that he actually didn’t respect. He didn’t respect me as a woman, he didn’t value me, he didn’t take me serious, he didn’t actually care me, he didn’t care about how I feel.

After that I really stared questioning myself…my worth…what I actually deserved….Which I HATE!!!! Now don’t get me wrong I am not perfect, there were probably somethings he didn’t like about me or maybe didn’t like how I did somethings, but I wouldn’t know b/c he never told me…So I really can only go on assumptions honestly. I can’t force someone to open up and communicate, especially with someone who thinks anything you say that is not positive is trying to start an argument.

I am not saying I am giving up on Love, but I honestly think about how dating is now and how men and women think now, it totally different from who I am. And unfortunately I am not interested in exchanging more of my personal business (nor creating a soul tie) with another man just for it to end up in his conversation with another women he’ll meet after me….

SOOOO as you can see, I was pretty down about this particular situation…cause if I’m honest, I thought he could be the one…I’ve literally put up a wall again…SO I’m literally was back in a headspace I didn’t plan on being in again…Disappointed…and Like Time Wasted…I never wanted to have that feeling again after ending a 8.5 year relationship. I am not blaming him at all, because I allowed my time to be wasted, which in turn made me disappointed in MYSELF…I know better, I’ve actually manage to stay single for this amount of time, b/c I didn’t allow people to waste my time…but I had let my guard down for this one, made him an exception…not cause he asked me to, but I honestly thought he was worth it….SO here I am after that experience and I left me feeling I guess feeling DUMB AS FUK, being loyal to niggas who at the end of the day see you either as disposable and/or a soft ass/push over.

To bring it home, those photos IDK just made me feel confident and just reminded me why I started this. I Love the woman I’ve grown into over the past 10 years…I know I am a lot stronger in many ways (and recognize I am still weak in others). There’s always going to be some tweaks to be made but I know I don’t JUST bring a pretty face & sex to the table, Even though apparently dudes don’t care about that…but then all the ones I’ve met always saying otherwise. So who really knows…

Shout to my Bestie for talking me into doing this, because it definitely made me feel better. I am calling my “Self Love Photoshoot” Even if it made me feel special just for the day…I will post a couple of the pictures this Friday.

Let me know if you guys liked this post I want more “Open Journal’ type post! I think it would be fun to do every once in a while!

Relationships & Sex

Stay or Go (Part 2 of 2)



Knowing When to Work At Your Relationship P2: Questions to Ask Yourself & Key Signs

In part one I explained how the opportunity to work at your relationship can really only exist, if you’re two people who are potentially right for each other but engaging in behaviours that are counterproductive to the success of the relationship. You both need to be coming from an honest, illusion free place otherwise your efforts will be pointless.

So where do you start? Continue reading “Stay or Go (Part 2 of 2)”

Relationships & Sex

Limited Love?? No Options??


Are you selling yourself short in dating, relationships and in life?

It always amazes me when I see women dwelling on a past relationship; sometimes YEARS after its ended. “You’re behaving like a woman who has no options”.

We as women sometimes act as if your only option is whatever guys you were seeing at the time and believe it is more important to be in a relationship and pursue this feeling of love and validation, than it was to be in a quality relationship. When you aren’t in a relationship, it may sometimes feel like you are just passing time, thirsty to fill up the “vacancy” left by the previous guy. You craved love, strongly seek out validation.

Continue reading “Limited Love?? No Options??”

Relationships & Sex

…Serial Realtionship Cutter…


I always see people who are completely overwhelmed by rejection or repeatedly throwing themselves under the same rejection bus because they don’t want to deal with the pain of accepting someone’s choice in another person. They think they can make one or a number of rejections right by trying to get this person to validate them and unfortunately end up experiencing even more pain. These are the people who live by that rule, “fight for what you want.” But think about it, you are fighting for this person, and they are fighting for someone else. You can’t fight a battle with someone who isn’t in the same fight.

 

When you participate in unavailable relationships, it’s like you’re seeking validation in order to gain an overall retraction that would right the wrongs of the past, or if you keep going back in no matter how crappy a capacity to a poor or even non-existent relationship, you’re trying to get them to retract the rejection. Bottom line, they won’t. It’s you who needs to retract your own rejection. This type of behavior is what I like to call, a serial realtionship cutter. Even though you know it hurts, you keep doing it because you haven’t reached the goal you THINK you need to.

 

 

This retraction you’re seeking is not going to cause the doors of heavens to open or angels to even sing. No announcements will go out, no nothing. Yes you’ll know it’s there, yes you will have achieved your aim, but it’s really all for your own ego and if your purpose is to satisfy your ego, you’ll actually be better off doing it yourself. As many people can attest to, often after getting the holy grail of apologies, or telling them about themselves, or even ‘winning’ them back, it’s a major let down.

 

Many people seek retraction from an ex because we are worried about what people will think about the end of the relationship. You start wondering what he told his friends about why you broke up. Did he give the right reason? Did he say it my fault?? But people are going to think what they want to think no matter what you do, so the best thing that you can do is not give away all of your power.

Don’t use ‘rejection’ to make judgments about you. You have better things to do than crawl inside their mind. You could focus on trying to force them to change their mind, but really, if you’re that bothered, you’ve already made a judgment about yourself and it’s actually your own mind that you need to change. You don’t need to wait for them to change their mind, for you to change your mind. You managed to survive for however many years before they came along – there’s no way in hell that you shouldn’t be able to handle your own identity.

You cannot control everyone else’s minds – people like thinking about themselves!

 

Stop putting all your energy into someone who is not willing to put all their energy into you…They are unavailable. They aren’t unavailable against their will; they are unavailable to you because they want to be. Stop looking seeking validation, accept the rejection and move on. Stop seeking for someone to change their mind, if they want to change their mind, you breathing down their neck is not going to speed up the process and that’s if the process is even meant to happen. Stop re-opening the same wound over and over again. Give it time to heal and move on.

 

Relationships & Sex

Breakup 101: Part Two


Check out Part One Click Here, because I am jumping straight into Part Two, no introduction…

Recognize when you are obsessing over your ex, take a step back so that you don’t end up trapped in denial. Also do not engage in behavior that will cause you to lose your dignity and give them a chance to call you crazy or a stalker. If you’re constantly checking them out on Facebook, reaching out to their family and/or friends, logging on to their email or voicemail, spending month obsessing over the details of the relationship, it is time to step back and get some perspective. Lean on your friend or family for some support. Turn to people who DO NOT encourage your obsessive behavior. All this obsessive stuff and making it your business to be a pest to someone, is only an attempt to control them and what they do. Don’t go there. Some of it can start off really innocently, but it can easily spiral out of control without you even realizing what you are doing. You’ll think it’s you and your “love” for this person. But it is a very slippery slope for crossing into behavior that can leave you fanning the flames of embarrassment when you ex puts you back in your place. Be cautious of being spiteful because will be inadvertently legitimizing any negative perception they have of you, plus you may even legitimize their reasons for breaking up with you in the first place. I understand that you may feel angry, rejected and humiliated, but doing things out of spite isn’t the way. You’re actually creating more pain and resentment for yourself.

Do not blitz them with your love. Sometimes when you break up with someone, we tend to pull out “all the stunts.” Start doing things that you didn’t do when you were together or you O.D. on the things you did in the relationship, basically to “show them what they are missing.” The fact of the matter is this…THEY KOW WHAT THEY ARE MISSING, and they’ve made the decision that they don’t want what you have to offer. “Even if you do genuinely believe you have something to offer, they don’t have to take it and what you think they want and need, is not the same as what they think they want and need – it’s not up to you.” Women (and Men) seem to be confused when they are still rejected by their ex after they have been pursuing them aggressively, by offering up the whole “kit and caboodle.” You are pretty much diminishing your chances of ever giving them a chance to miss you, when you don’t give them a chance to breathe. By bombarding them with you attention and affection and continuously expressing your feelings, they are quickly losing respect for you; because you are not respecting their wishes. What you want, it not what they want. You can’t switch off your feelings, but you need to know when to switch ON your self-respect, for your sake.

STOP! Strop trying to get back together with some who has already rejected you more than once. The break up was the first rejection!!!If someone has rejected you once, it’s already one too many times, but when it goes beyond that it’s on you. For 1, what the fuck are you trying to achieve?? 2, what the fuck is so special about them that you would give them the option to reject you again? I am telling you STOP pursuing people that have both directly and passively rejected you. Do not force yourself or love on anyone. You shouldn’t have to convince someone of you “greatness.” The moment you let someone reject you more than once, you’re saying “You are free to reject me again! Comeback and have go whenever you’re ready! I’ll be here waiting.” When you keep pursuing someone who has broken up with you, it’s because you are trying to stem the loss of rejection and ease the sting of rejection by getting attention from them so you feel validated. The breakup could’ve easily triggered some old abandonment issues and you’ll pursue them to stop that feeling. Any attention of validation you get will be short lived, and you will have to start the process all over again. But of course you won’t heed the signs that someone isn’t interested, you won’t even start the process of the breakup BECAUSE YOU’LL BE TOO BUSY STILL PURSUING THEM!!

Don’t punish yourself for the breakup by neglecting yourself or doing things that is essentially you acting without love, and respect towards yourself. It is perfectly fine and OK to feel upset, to cry, to be angry, to spend some time letting go and immersing yourself in the after effects, but there is a LIMIT. If you get to a point when you are telling yourself that no-one wants you, you can’t survive without them, and you let the loss of this relationship dictate your view on yourself and the world, you’ve gone too far. And sometimes, we do get to that point, but you must acknowledge it when you do. Focus in nurturing yourself and take your ex off that high pedestal you’ve out them on. You should on the top of your world. Never let some define who you are, and if you feel you need someone to define who you are, then that’s a whole other situation outside of the breakup that you need to deal with yourself.

Do not wait or put your life on hold for anyone. When you break up, take it as a final and get on with your life. Seriously. I know the temptation is to hang around to make sure they don’t forget you and forget what you guys shared, but all your doing is putting your life in limbo, and they are going off and living their lives. And you’re just sitting there hoping they’ll change their mind. A lot of “dumpers” are opportunist. They’ll feed off the fact that you can’t move on and the fact that you’re waiting around. They’ll come around when they need that quick ego boost, sex, a shoulder to lean on, money and other fringe benefits they can enjoy do to you inability to move on. Which goes back to, don’t confuse yourself and recognizing communication for what it is. I have been on both sides; the dumper and dumpee. And as the dumper I have committed this act numerous of times!! If you set boundaries for yourself, it’ll create faith that there is someone better out there for you that someone who has already broken up with you. I know women and men who have mentally waited on their ex; Meaning they’ll date other people, to conceal the fact that they haven’t moved on, but without a doubt would drop the current relationship at ANY given point if their ex came back. These are called cover-ups. I’ve also known people who have physically waited for their exes. Meaning they date no one else, sleep with no one else, talk to no one else, so that they can always remain emotionally and physically available “just in case” the ex comes running back, which usually NEVER happens. They end up alone, bitter and mad at the world.

So, hopefully this has helped (or will help) some of you guys!!

Thanks for Reading!! Don’t forget to comment!!

Relationships & Sex

Breakup 101: Part One


No one enjoys a break up, even if you are the one who initiated the breakup. So I wanted to give you guys some breakup boundaries/tips that are crucial when going through a break up. I have broken it up into two sections, so that I am not bombarding you with too much at one time. So let’s jump right into it…

Do not settle for less for the sake of having just something, rather than nothing at all. When we are in pain from rejection and we have lost someone who we emotionally invested in, it is tempting to bargain with ourselves. We would rather have them on some, rather than no terms. We do this because it is a kneejerk reaction to the initial rejection and pain. We tell ourselves that because of what we feel for them, we can’t imagine them not being in our lives, in any way. So you settle for something like friendship. However, if you are both destined to be friends, it won’t be because you hung around straight after the break up, poking at each other emotions and keeping a place holder in each other lives. Distance and time give objectivity and you can ONLY be friends when you actually no longer want a relationship with them. That, and you can only be friends with someone who is actually friend worthy. (I will get more into this topic in a much later blog, so stay tuned for that).

Next, cut contact to give yourself time and space to grieve the loss of the relationship. I can say this with 110% of certainty that if they are ever going to miss you or regret the loss of you from their lives, it is sure as hell NOT going to happen with you hanging around, reminding them of your existence and seeking validation and attention!! Both parties need to respect each other’s time and do your own thing and grieve the loss of the relationship. You must have faith that if a person gives a damn about you, that friendship you think you so desperately need will be there in a few months’ time. Now I know my people with children would say, this is hard to do…but it’s not, you just have to approach it differently than people who have no strings attached. If you check out my blog “Avoiding Baby Momma/Daddy Drama,” and take a look at #2: “The conversations you have should be centered around the child.” Your vocal point after a breakup with your child’s father should be THE CHILD, you can worry about a friendship (if at all possible) at a later time. Don’t try and make a friendship happen right after a breakup, it’s unrealistic. It’s forced and phony. And are really willing to settle for a phony friendship?? If you say yes, then you furthermore prove my first point.

This should actually be number one, but when someone rejects you, register it as a red flag, step back, and do not try to change their mind. At first thought people say “I should fight for my relationship.” This has been something I felt strongly about before. Until I realized that from the moment someone utters the words that they want to break up, you pushing to keep something that they don’t want is like you negotiating you way back into their affections and their life. They have clearly said to you, that they no longer want you or the relationship enough to keep trying. No matter what the reasons are for the breakup, you’ll succeed at nothing with getting on your hands and knees and begging them to stay. I know we tend to feel like we’ve invested so much time and effort in the other person, but here’s the problem: they’ve already given up and thrown it away. Speaking from personal experience, you will not feel good or confident about the stability of the relationship, length of the relationship, if you have to pitch yourself and the relationship to a person like a used car salesman. This is where you need to have some pride. Respect their decision in the first instance, because it you try to persuade them out of their decision you remove you dignity. You don’t know better. You and they are not the same person. In some cases the other person may say, hey, “You didn’t fight for me to stay.” At that point you must realize they are playing a game. Only people who break up with you to watch you jump through hoops to try and persuade them otherwise is playing games; someone you don’t need to be with any way.

Recognize communication for what it is and not amplify it into them actually missing you and wanting to get back together. When someone misses you and has seriously thought about the loss of the relationship they will not send stupid text messages and emails. Someone who genuinely misses you will not only call you and arrange to meet to talk, they will be straight forward and make constructive suggestions as to how to get back together and progress the relationship. Someone sending messages saying, “Good Luck on the football game.” Or “How are you?” or “Thinking about you.” Or “How’s the love life?” (all real messages that I’ve either received [or have sent…LOL, yes I am guilty of this too.]) is just a lazy wayto hunt for an ego stroke, I way to still make themselves “relevant” in your life. This brings me to…

Don’t confuse yourself and do something that you will later regret. DO NOT sleep with your ex. If you do, accept the responsibility for the consequences. Sex with someone who you are accustomed to is comforting and great. Sex with some who is familiar and that you still feel something for but who has broken up with you, will feel great at that moment, but often filled with expectations, which usually lead to disappointment. Just because you start having sex with your ex again doesn’t mean you are getting back together…getting back together does not solely rely on getting laid, hence if you were actually getting back together you’d damn sure know it before you had sex. They may miss you, but they sure don’t miss you that much. If you are the type of person to have sex with expectation, it is not wise you treat it in a casual fashion, don’t have sex with you ex. While you may feel validated for the short term pleasure, it may have long lasing consequences that now set you back. Understand that you cannot sex your way back into a relationship. If sex was what held your relationship together, it was fragile anyway, plus you wouldn’t have broken up.

Part Two