Relationships & Sex

Is Honest Really Important?


honesty

Most people love to talk about the importance of honesty in their relationship. Bout how many people actually practice it. How many of us are truly honest with our partner?

 

To some, honest is looked at as something most people can’t handle, just lip service. It is the first thing to give way when in light of a crisis. For example, if someone gets caught cheating, is the 1st impulse to come clean and admit the wrong doing? or is it to try and soften the blow and fabricate the cheating to make it seem less than?

But at the end of the day no matter how much people think you can’t handle it or how hard it can be to hear, honesty in a relationship is valuable and we should make it our business to keep it alive, no mater how much it may hurt the other person. The longevity & strength of a relationship depends on it.

The most important reason being honest in a relationship is that it stimulate trust and integrity.

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Relationships & Sex

Forgiveness


Forgiveness and closure is something that many struggle with, myself included. Often it is because it feels like the other party involved “need” to be in agreement about our perception of things and to acknowledge where they went wrong. When there are unanswered questions, because they disappeared, moved on or passed away, and it feels like they just don’t get why we are so angry and hurt and unable to move on. It can feel like we’ll never get past it. What I’ve learned about forgiveness and closure recently, is that you definitely don’t need to gain agreement from the other party about your perspective on things. My own acknowledgement and validation travels a very long way. Moving on is a decision, a choice.

Forgiveness about the decision to let go. After you make the decision to forgive and let go, you have to honor it with the actions to support it. Sometimes we don’t consciously say, “I let go” and instead, we get on with the business of living, we nurture ourselves, we process our thoughts, feel all of our feelings even when they hurt, and one day realize that we feel less about something than we did before and we are in the process of letting go or have let go already. Whichever route you choose to take, the point is to stop holding it so closely. If you keep staring at something, revisiting, reliving it, if you don’t work through your feelings and gradually start to draw conclusions and learn from the insights gained, it just develops into something that drowns out perspective.

It is more important to forgive yourself. Letting go is about deciding to be “done” with something no matter how much more information or change you COULD seek. You have to ask yourself why you are devoting your life to expecting someone to change, feeling bad about the fact that they haven’t, and putting your own progress on hold in the process. You feel like, “I can’t move on until I get the answers that I need and they show remorse,” which is nothing but a declaration of a dead-end. Truth is, you CAN move on, you are just CHOOSING not to.

While it would be nice to gain agreement on how we see things, to get our feelings validated, and to get acknowledgement of where they have wronged you, not getting them doesn’t have to be the end all be all. You have got to learn to trust you own judgment.

Relationships & Sex

Starting & Maintaining a New Relationship


“The best way to love is to love like you have never been hurt.”

Since Valentine’s Day is right around the corner I figured I write something that is positive and inspirational for people looking for love, found a new love, or even those who are trying to keep a love burning strong. Even those this is geared towards new relationships, it can relate to everyone, no matter what kind of situation you are in.

Starting new romantic relationships can be tricky. If you’ve been single for a while before this relationship, it may be hard for you to incorporate another person in your life. It may be hard for to break habits from a past relationship that you were used to.  There are so many things that hold people back from having a successful relationship. I’ve had my share of failed relationships. Some of them were my fault, some of them weren’t. But what I can say after dating someone, I always take something out of that relationship and learn from it. They only way to really know what you want and don’t want, are through experiences. Of course we all want someone that is loyal, faithful, stable, etc. But how do you get to that point and further if you don’t even know how to begin to maintain a relationship.  Believe me I am no expert on relationships, but I pay attention and learn from my past relationships to help make my new relationships better. It takes time and it may take a couple of tries and couple of heartbreaks, but eventually you’ll get there. I know that I am there yet…But I know I am more than capable of getting there now than before. So I just want to share with you guys some things that I’ve learned and things that I feel can help you maintain a new relationship.

 

First things first, avoid game playing (or keep it to a minimum). I know we women love having a man run around and chase us a bit. But let’s be serious, they aren’t going to chase you forever and if they do, when you do stop running you’ll realize that you’ve should’ve kept running because now you landed yourself a passive aggressive man. Someone you can walk all over. Which when you are look to settle down, isn’t someone you want to be with. Playing cat and mouse is cute, but not for long. Stop for a minute and get to know the person. If you start playing games more than likely the relationship will become distorted due to manipulated outcomes, and it will end before it barely began.

 

Secondly, Lose the Ex. If there is an ex still around, get rid of them. ASAP. Having an ex in the background, screams baggage, you may not be over them, issues and just a plain out headache. Don’t allow tensions with the ex or in some cases a cozy friendship with an ex to be the detriment of your relationship. When you have an ex close by, it is easy for your partner to assume that you’re not over them, or they aren’t over you in some way. Most people keep exes around as place holders or just because it’s familiar (or both). But remember, Exes are exes for a reason, and there is no room for them in your new relationship. And if you ex is someone who you also had a child with…you NEED to make it known to them that you are in a relationship, and take a step back from doing those relationship like things that you were still doing even after yall broke up b/c you were single and comfortable. You need to make known not only verbally but also with change in action that you are in a relationship. If you don’t, they won’t take your relationship you are in seriously and leads them to believe they can disrespect your new partner and can possibly cause drama down the line. If you do date someone else when you have child, Understand that is now your job reassure the person you are with that there is nothing between you and them. And reinerate to your ex that you have seriously moved on from them.

Live your life. Just because you start dating a person, doesn’t mean you just roll over the next day and stop having your own life. Don’t fall into the “trap” of sacrificing your own life and neglecting your friends, family or even work, just because you met someone.  Having your own life and not instantly depending on your partner gives off good vides that you are independent and personally happy.

 

Make time for your relationship. People have a habit of going from one extreme to another. They either are too dependent or have this “You don’t own me attitude” *rolls neck, snaps fingers* and seek to carry on with their own lives as if the partner doesn’t exist. It is definitely possible to have a relationship, career, family and friends. It is called balance. As a relationship grows, you tend to increase the time you spend with you partner, and if you want it to progress, you need to let your partner in.

 

Try and stick to arrangements. If you said you were going to call, then call. Also don’t do standing up, or rolling up late all the time. This creates unnecessary tensions and creates insecurity. Be respectful of each other’s time. Just like you were busy doing something else, they could’ve been doing something else, instead of waiting you. Sticking to plans and arrangements, shows you have a healthy level of respect for each other.

 

Get to you know your partner, OUTSIDE of the bedroom. Having sex is great, but if you want a relationship to grow into something more and actually survive you need to be doing more than just laying up in the bed.  Spend time just hanging out, talking and building a SOLID connection. This also at the end of the day enhances sexual chemistry.

 

Acknowledge and confront any red flags immediately. When we start new relationships we tend to focus on it being new and fresh and everything always seems perfect in the beginning. But TRUST ME when I say that things you fight about (or eventually break up over) are often things that could’ve been easily found out in the early stages of the relationship, if you only had opened your eyes. Don’t be afraid to call them out on behavior that you are not comfortable with. A person that’s wants a future with you will respect how you feel. I have been guilty of this in the past, I get so blinded by everything else and then down the line I’m like, “Damn I wish I would’ve known he was like this from the beginning.” But you know what, they were, I just wasn’t paying attention. But now, in my current relationship I speak my mind freely. If I don’t like something, or I feel that certain behaviors is inappropriate or not to my liking, better believe I am letting it be known. Bottom line is if they don’t know you have a problem with something, they won’t know to change it. And if they aren’t willing to change it, its time you move on.

 

Remember the little things matter. It’s not just the big gestures, but complimenting each other, phone calls out of the blue just to say they miss you. Remembering that special thing they like to eat and surprising them with it, breakfast in bed. Just be thoughtful. Don’t always expect them you bring bells and whistles with everything; quite frankly no one has the time or money for all of that, ALL THE TIME.  So learn to appreciate the small things and learn to give a little yourself. Don’t just take. Give.

 

Be as nice as you really are. Don’t pretend to be nicer than you really are, I mean really just be yourself. Don’t try and go overboard doing things and saying yes to things, because you don’t want to lose the person, because you tire yourself and the real you will come out and they will feel bamboozled. Don’t be so much of a giver that you start to feel resentful and start focusing on who’s giving and taking in the relationship. BE YOURSELF!!

 

Put both feet forward! Relationships do not bloom with one foot out the door.  You’re either in or you’re out.

 

Leave the drama at the door. I have had my share of bad relationships, but what I have learned is to DO NOT bring that situation into a new relationship. Yes I did say learn from your past, but don’t bring that attitude you ended with from your last relationship into your new one. They haven’t even done anything. Don’t assume they are going to cheat on you because the last person did. If you spend most of your time being bitter, negative and cynical, there’s no point of you being in a relationship.

 

Those are just a few things I’ve come up with.

 

Thanks for reading!!

 

Follow Me: @TotalDivaRea

Relationships & Sex

Breakup 101: Part Two


Check out Part One Click Here, because I am jumping straight into Part Two, no introduction…

Recognize when you are obsessing over your ex, take a step back so that you don’t end up trapped in denial. Also do not engage in behavior that will cause you to lose your dignity and give them a chance to call you crazy or a stalker. If you’re constantly checking them out on Facebook, reaching out to their family and/or friends, logging on to their email or voicemail, spending month obsessing over the details of the relationship, it is time to step back and get some perspective. Lean on your friend or family for some support. Turn to people who DO NOT encourage your obsessive behavior. All this obsessive stuff and making it your business to be a pest to someone, is only an attempt to control them and what they do. Don’t go there. Some of it can start off really innocently, but it can easily spiral out of control without you even realizing what you are doing. You’ll think it’s you and your “love” for this person. But it is a very slippery slope for crossing into behavior that can leave you fanning the flames of embarrassment when you ex puts you back in your place. Be cautious of being spiteful because will be inadvertently legitimizing any negative perception they have of you, plus you may even legitimize their reasons for breaking up with you in the first place. I understand that you may feel angry, rejected and humiliated, but doing things out of spite isn’t the way. You’re actually creating more pain and resentment for yourself.

Do not blitz them with your love. Sometimes when you break up with someone, we tend to pull out “all the stunts.” Start doing things that you didn’t do when you were together or you O.D. on the things you did in the relationship, basically to “show them what they are missing.” The fact of the matter is this…THEY KOW WHAT THEY ARE MISSING, and they’ve made the decision that they don’t want what you have to offer. “Even if you do genuinely believe you have something to offer, they don’t have to take it and what you think they want and need, is not the same as what they think they want and need – it’s not up to you.” Women (and Men) seem to be confused when they are still rejected by their ex after they have been pursuing them aggressively, by offering up the whole “kit and caboodle.” You are pretty much diminishing your chances of ever giving them a chance to miss you, when you don’t give them a chance to breathe. By bombarding them with you attention and affection and continuously expressing your feelings, they are quickly losing respect for you; because you are not respecting their wishes. What you want, it not what they want. You can’t switch off your feelings, but you need to know when to switch ON your self-respect, for your sake.

STOP! Strop trying to get back together with some who has already rejected you more than once. The break up was the first rejection!!!If someone has rejected you once, it’s already one too many times, but when it goes beyond that it’s on you. For 1, what the fuck are you trying to achieve?? 2, what the fuck is so special about them that you would give them the option to reject you again? I am telling you STOP pursuing people that have both directly and passively rejected you. Do not force yourself or love on anyone. You shouldn’t have to convince someone of you “greatness.” The moment you let someone reject you more than once, you’re saying “You are free to reject me again! Comeback and have go whenever you’re ready! I’ll be here waiting.” When you keep pursuing someone who has broken up with you, it’s because you are trying to stem the loss of rejection and ease the sting of rejection by getting attention from them so you feel validated. The breakup could’ve easily triggered some old abandonment issues and you’ll pursue them to stop that feeling. Any attention of validation you get will be short lived, and you will have to start the process all over again. But of course you won’t heed the signs that someone isn’t interested, you won’t even start the process of the breakup BECAUSE YOU’LL BE TOO BUSY STILL PURSUING THEM!!

Don’t punish yourself for the breakup by neglecting yourself or doing things that is essentially you acting without love, and respect towards yourself. It is perfectly fine and OK to feel upset, to cry, to be angry, to spend some time letting go and immersing yourself in the after effects, but there is a LIMIT. If you get to a point when you are telling yourself that no-one wants you, you can’t survive without them, and you let the loss of this relationship dictate your view on yourself and the world, you’ve gone too far. And sometimes, we do get to that point, but you must acknowledge it when you do. Focus in nurturing yourself and take your ex off that high pedestal you’ve out them on. You should on the top of your world. Never let some define who you are, and if you feel you need someone to define who you are, then that’s a whole other situation outside of the breakup that you need to deal with yourself.

Do not wait or put your life on hold for anyone. When you break up, take it as a final and get on with your life. Seriously. I know the temptation is to hang around to make sure they don’t forget you and forget what you guys shared, but all your doing is putting your life in limbo, and they are going off and living their lives. And you’re just sitting there hoping they’ll change their mind. A lot of “dumpers” are opportunist. They’ll feed off the fact that you can’t move on and the fact that you’re waiting around. They’ll come around when they need that quick ego boost, sex, a shoulder to lean on, money and other fringe benefits they can enjoy do to you inability to move on. Which goes back to, don’t confuse yourself and recognizing communication for what it is. I have been on both sides; the dumper and dumpee. And as the dumper I have committed this act numerous of times!! If you set boundaries for yourself, it’ll create faith that there is someone better out there for you that someone who has already broken up with you. I know women and men who have mentally waited on their ex; Meaning they’ll date other people, to conceal the fact that they haven’t moved on, but without a doubt would drop the current relationship at ANY given point if their ex came back. These are called cover-ups. I’ve also known people who have physically waited for their exes. Meaning they date no one else, sleep with no one else, talk to no one else, so that they can always remain emotionally and physically available “just in case” the ex comes running back, which usually NEVER happens. They end up alone, bitter and mad at the world.

So, hopefully this has helped (or will help) some of you guys!!

Thanks for Reading!! Don’t forget to comment!!