Relationships & Sex

Rebuilding that thing called…


“It takes years to build up trust, and just seconds to destroy it.”– Unknown.

 

I am not the best person when it comes to forgiving someone after they’ve betrayed and lied to me and I tend to make that very clear before I start any relationship.

 

For most people, trust is one of the hardest things to get back. After someone lies to you or betrays you, their words become harder to believe. At this point in your relationship, you have to decide, is this relationship worth saving?

 

A lot of couples can recover from lies and build a stronger and closer relationship. Several factors influence how successful couples will be at saving a relationship: the tone and quality of the relationship prior to the disloyal action, the commitment of BOTH partners to make the relationship work and effective communication skills are critical to the recovery process.

First ask yourself this, is your relationship worth saving? A lot of people bail out on relationships at the first sign of trouble. We all have to understand NO relationship is perfect. And it takes continuous work. People WILL mess up…but it is up to decide if the lie, infidelity or whatever is worth losing your partner over. Please understand, once you make you decision stick to it. Some people have a tendency of walking away and then wanting that person back and SOMETIMES it IS too late at that point. They may have already moved on and met someone else or their feelings just aren’t there for you in that way anymore.

 

If you have trouble answering that question, make a list…pro and cons. Sometimes you need to see it on paper to really see where you stand with a person. Think of all the people you would want to spend the day with, is this person one of them?? Do you have the same morals & goals? Do you express a lot of affection towards each other, or is there a lot off negativity? Do you feel comfortable sharing your innermost thoughts with your partner?? How easy is it for you to talk to your partner?

 

These are just some questions you can ask yourself to get your mind going on if your relationship is worth saving.

 

If you decide your relationship is not worth saving, then let go and move on with your life and there is no need to read any further. But if you say, yes my relationship is worth saving, you will go through some stages. The trauma of the discovery, the assessment of how both partners want to go about resolving the problem, and finally repairing and restoring the trust.

 

I know when I’ve lost trust in a person I am with the first thing I think about is, How could you do this? I always wonder, how could you be happy in a relationship if you can lie to me? How can you say you love me and lie to me?

 

Romantic relationships are built on positive, romantic illusions. A romantic attachment is a deep emotional bond to another individual. The attachments we form are designed to keep people together. Discovery of a lie shatters those illusions. It creates a lot of uncertainty and raises questions, like the ones above.

 

Once you start asking these questions you can find yourself consumed with anger, and obsessive thoughts, dwelling on the incident. The best way to deal with these feelings is just to discuss your feelings in a non-judgmental environment, where someone will simply listen…Don’t look for advice, just vent. At this point advice is useless…you are way too emotionally agitated to even think clearly and digest advice. Sharing your feelings with someone who cares, your feelings will become less intense.

 

After the initial shock has died down (which will not happen overnight), it helps to make some assessments of how you and your partner want to resolve the problem. To save a relationship after the loss of trust requires two people working towards the same goal. A commitment to the relationship works best when it is based on mutual desire. Forcing your partner to make a commitment to the relationship doesn’t carry the same weight as a commitment which has been give freely.

 

After both parties have decided to move forward and save their relationship the next stage is the MOST difficult.

  

People often lack insight into their own behavior and if they do understand why they lied or cheated, they often do not want to admit this information with their partner, thinking that if they do it would cause more problems, which is a common misconception. The truth is if the real issues are not identified they are less likely to get resolved. By approaching a problem as a couple it can entrust the person who has been lied to, by providing them with a sense of control. Working together can bring back a sense of confidence and security, which is crucial when trying to rebuild trust.

 

In addition to identifying the vital motivation of the lie, it is essential to frankly discuss the details of what happened. Again DO NOT try and conceal details, it often leads to lingering questions, which if not addressed, they are unlikely to go away…and if questions are lingering, it is impossible for your partner to not dwell on the incident. Telling the truth can be painful, but is necessary when trying to move forward.

 

Doing these two things (identifying the motivation factors of the lie and the discussing of the details) are the MOST difficult for most couples to manage. They require loss of insight and communication skills. If not handled productively, it can lead to further problems, resentment and frustration.

 

Don’t Forget to Like Me on FaceBook!!! http://facebook.com/DivaRea

Follow me @TotalDivaRea

Advertisements
Relationships & Sex

The Dilemma


So it’s been a minute since I written a “relationship blog” and I’ve actually been working on this one for a few weeks, and seeing someone that I am subscribed to talk about this, made me want to finish writing it.

A few months ago (maybe even last year some time…LOL), a friend of mine Dianne (Make sure you go check out her Natural Hair Blog: http://dbld17.tumblr.com/) posted a question on the Facebook:  If you friend’s boyfriend/girl friend is cheating on them, should you tell your friend?  And it got me to thinking, would I tell my friend if they were being cheated on.

Now at first thought I’m like HELL YEA you should tell. Then I really think about, Ok Maybe I should just hint at the idea? I mean if it were me I would want someone to tell me right? Some people think, well if I tell then I’ve just ruined a relationship. If I tell, my friend is just going to think I’m hating or jealous. Now If I don’t tell I am lying to my friend. If I don’t tell then I’m letting her stay in a relationship where someone is just treating her wrong. You know with all the WHAT IFS and conclusion at the end of the day YOUR FRIEND IS BEING CHEATED ON. And quite frankly, if my friend knew and didn’t tell me, I would be pissed; and if my friend told me and I didn’t believe them, then found out on my own, I’m going to wish I listened to my friend. At least as a true friend you did the right thing by telling them, especially if you know FOR SURE their partner is dipping out on them. I wouldn’t go to my friend with an assumption. But regardless don’t you just hate to be the bearer of bad news??

We as women, we drive off of emotion. We have an instinct; we kind of get that feeling when someone is being deceitful to us. Sometimes we confront it; sometimes we are in denial, sometime we need someone to give us a reality check. My point in saying that is, your friend may already know or at least have a feeling. (Now if it is a man, he’s probably completely clueless…LOL…Just joking). The thing about telling a friend something like this, you have to be SURE. You can’t just go, “Oh I saw your boyfriend is cheating on you with this girl in the Mall. It could’ve been cousin, a friend, and aunt, niece. But at the same time, that information may give you friend more reason to question their partner and that just may be just enough to get the ball rolling and have you friend ask questions.

Maybe telling you friend directly isn’t the answer. Have you ever seen that movie, The Dilemma with Vince Vaughn (“Ronny” in the movie) and Kevin James (“Nick” in the movie)? Ronny initially confronts Geneva (Winona Ryder) and tells her to tell Nick about she has been doing behind his back. Of course that plan kind of back fired because she in returned had some dirt on Ronny. In the movie he went to extreme lengths to catch her again, which is way too much stress for the average person, so I definitely wouldn’t recommend that route. However, maybe confronting the person who is cheating may a route to go. It may scare them enough that you’ll tell and come clean to your friend themselves.

Bottom line, it is a very hard position to be in. Whether you want to tell your friend, they their man that you know, keep it to yourself and hope for the best, whatever options you think you have, go with your gut. You may lose a friend, you may not; but do what you think is right. Remeber, your loyalty is ALWAYS to your friend.

As for what I would do, honestly I have no idea. I think for me it would depend on which friend it is. But for the most part I think I would tell…ok maybe just hint at the idea, like, ‘hey I saw your man at the mall with some girl, was that his cousin?” LOL No but seriously, what would you do??

Comment Below

Looking forward to reading your responses…