Relationships & Sex

Breakup 101: Part Two


Check out Part One Click Here, because I am jumping straight into Part Two, no introduction…

Recognize when you are obsessing over your ex, take a step back so that you don’t end up trapped in denial. Also do not engage in behavior that will cause you to lose your dignity and give them a chance to call you crazy or a stalker. If you’re constantly checking them out on Facebook, reaching out to their family and/or friends, logging on to their email or voicemail, spending month obsessing over the details of the relationship, it is time to step back and get some perspective. Lean on your friend or family for some support. Turn to people who DO NOT encourage your obsessive behavior. All this obsessive stuff and making it your business to be a pest to someone, is only an attempt to control them and what they do. Don’t go there. Some of it can start off really innocently, but it can easily spiral out of control without you even realizing what you are doing. You’ll think it’s you and your “love” for this person. But it is a very slippery slope for crossing into behavior that can leave you fanning the flames of embarrassment when you ex puts you back in your place. Be cautious of being spiteful because will be inadvertently legitimizing any negative perception they have of you, plus you may even legitimize their reasons for breaking up with you in the first place. I understand that you may feel angry, rejected and humiliated, but doing things out of spite isn’t the way. You’re actually creating more pain and resentment for yourself.

Do not blitz them with your love. Sometimes when you break up with someone, we tend to pull out “all the stunts.” Start doing things that you didn’t do when you were together or you O.D. on the things you did in the relationship, basically to “show them what they are missing.” The fact of the matter is this…THEY KOW WHAT THEY ARE MISSING, and they’ve made the decision that they don’t want what you have to offer. “Even if you do genuinely believe you have something to offer, they don’t have to take it and what you think they want and need, is not the same as what they think they want and need – it’s not up to you.” Women (and Men) seem to be confused when they are still rejected by their ex after they have been pursuing them aggressively, by offering up the whole “kit and caboodle.” You are pretty much diminishing your chances of ever giving them a chance to miss you, when you don’t give them a chance to breathe. By bombarding them with you attention and affection and continuously expressing your feelings, they are quickly losing respect for you; because you are not respecting their wishes. What you want, it not what they want. You can’t switch off your feelings, but you need to know when to switch ON your self-respect, for your sake.

STOP! Strop trying to get back together with some who has already rejected you more than once. The break up was the first rejection!!!If someone has rejected you once, it’s already one too many times, but when it goes beyond that it’s on you. For 1, what the fuck are you trying to achieve?? 2, what the fuck is so special about them that you would give them the option to reject you again? I am telling you STOP pursuing people that have both directly and passively rejected you. Do not force yourself or love on anyone. You shouldn’t have to convince someone of you “greatness.” The moment you let someone reject you more than once, you’re saying “You are free to reject me again! Comeback and have go whenever you’re ready! I’ll be here waiting.” When you keep pursuing someone who has broken up with you, it’s because you are trying to stem the loss of rejection and ease the sting of rejection by getting attention from them so you feel validated. The breakup could’ve easily triggered some old abandonment issues and you’ll pursue them to stop that feeling. Any attention of validation you get will be short lived, and you will have to start the process all over again. But of course you won’t heed the signs that someone isn’t interested, you won’t even start the process of the breakup BECAUSE YOU’LL BE TOO BUSY STILL PURSUING THEM!!

Don’t punish yourself for the breakup by neglecting yourself or doing things that is essentially you acting without love, and respect towards yourself. It is perfectly fine and OK to feel upset, to cry, to be angry, to spend some time letting go and immersing yourself in the after effects, but there is a LIMIT. If you get to a point when you are telling yourself that no-one wants you, you can’t survive without them, and you let the loss of this relationship dictate your view on yourself and the world, you’ve gone too far. And sometimes, we do get to that point, but you must acknowledge it when you do. Focus in nurturing yourself and take your ex off that high pedestal you’ve out them on. You should on the top of your world. Never let some define who you are, and if you feel you need someone to define who you are, then that’s a whole other situation outside of the breakup that you need to deal with yourself.

Do not wait or put your life on hold for anyone. When you break up, take it as a final and get on with your life. Seriously. I know the temptation is to hang around to make sure they don’t forget you and forget what you guys shared, but all your doing is putting your life in limbo, and they are going off and living their lives. And you’re just sitting there hoping they’ll change their mind. A lot of “dumpers” are opportunist. They’ll feed off the fact that you can’t move on and the fact that you’re waiting around. They’ll come around when they need that quick ego boost, sex, a shoulder to lean on, money and other fringe benefits they can enjoy do to you inability to move on. Which goes back to, don’t confuse yourself and recognizing communication for what it is. I have been on both sides; the dumper and dumpee. And as the dumper I have committed this act numerous of times!! If you set boundaries for yourself, it’ll create faith that there is someone better out there for you that someone who has already broken up with you. I know women and men who have mentally waited on their ex; Meaning they’ll date other people, to conceal the fact that they haven’t moved on, but without a doubt would drop the current relationship at ANY given point if their ex came back. These are called cover-ups. I’ve also known people who have physically waited for their exes. Meaning they date no one else, sleep with no one else, talk to no one else, so that they can always remain emotionally and physically available “just in case” the ex comes running back, which usually NEVER happens. They end up alone, bitter and mad at the world.

So, hopefully this has helped (or will help) some of you guys!!

Thanks for Reading!! Don’t forget to comment!!

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Relationships & Sex

Breakup 101: Part One


No one enjoys a break up, even if you are the one who initiated the breakup. So I wanted to give you guys some breakup boundaries/tips that are crucial when going through a break up. I have broken it up into two sections, so that I am not bombarding you with too much at one time. So let’s jump right into it…

Do not settle for less for the sake of having just something, rather than nothing at all. When we are in pain from rejection and we have lost someone who we emotionally invested in, it is tempting to bargain with ourselves. We would rather have them on some, rather than no terms. We do this because it is a kneejerk reaction to the initial rejection and pain. We tell ourselves that because of what we feel for them, we can’t imagine them not being in our lives, in any way. So you settle for something like friendship. However, if you are both destined to be friends, it won’t be because you hung around straight after the break up, poking at each other emotions and keeping a place holder in each other lives. Distance and time give objectivity and you can ONLY be friends when you actually no longer want a relationship with them. That, and you can only be friends with someone who is actually friend worthy. (I will get more into this topic in a much later blog, so stay tuned for that).

Next, cut contact to give yourself time and space to grieve the loss of the relationship. I can say this with 110% of certainty that if they are ever going to miss you or regret the loss of you from their lives, it is sure as hell NOT going to happen with you hanging around, reminding them of your existence and seeking validation and attention!! Both parties need to respect each other’s time and do your own thing and grieve the loss of the relationship. You must have faith that if a person gives a damn about you, that friendship you think you so desperately need will be there in a few months’ time. Now I know my people with children would say, this is hard to do…but it’s not, you just have to approach it differently than people who have no strings attached. If you check out my blog “Avoiding Baby Momma/Daddy Drama,” and take a look at #2: “The conversations you have should be centered around the child.” Your vocal point after a breakup with your child’s father should be THE CHILD, you can worry about a friendship (if at all possible) at a later time. Don’t try and make a friendship happen right after a breakup, it’s unrealistic. It’s forced and phony. And are really willing to settle for a phony friendship?? If you say yes, then you furthermore prove my first point.

This should actually be number one, but when someone rejects you, register it as a red flag, step back, and do not try to change their mind. At first thought people say “I should fight for my relationship.” This has been something I felt strongly about before. Until I realized that from the moment someone utters the words that they want to break up, you pushing to keep something that they don’t want is like you negotiating you way back into their affections and their life. They have clearly said to you, that they no longer want you or the relationship enough to keep trying. No matter what the reasons are for the breakup, you’ll succeed at nothing with getting on your hands and knees and begging them to stay. I know we tend to feel like we’ve invested so much time and effort in the other person, but here’s the problem: they’ve already given up and thrown it away. Speaking from personal experience, you will not feel good or confident about the stability of the relationship, length of the relationship, if you have to pitch yourself and the relationship to a person like a used car salesman. This is where you need to have some pride. Respect their decision in the first instance, because it you try to persuade them out of their decision you remove you dignity. You don’t know better. You and they are not the same person. In some cases the other person may say, hey, “You didn’t fight for me to stay.” At that point you must realize they are playing a game. Only people who break up with you to watch you jump through hoops to try and persuade them otherwise is playing games; someone you don’t need to be with any way.

Recognize communication for what it is and not amplify it into them actually missing you and wanting to get back together. When someone misses you and has seriously thought about the loss of the relationship they will not send stupid text messages and emails. Someone who genuinely misses you will not only call you and arrange to meet to talk, they will be straight forward and make constructive suggestions as to how to get back together and progress the relationship. Someone sending messages saying, “Good Luck on the football game.” Or “How are you?” or “Thinking about you.” Or “How’s the love life?” (all real messages that I’ve either received [or have sent…LOL, yes I am guilty of this too.]) is just a lazy wayto hunt for an ego stroke, I way to still make themselves “relevant” in your life. This brings me to…

Don’t confuse yourself and do something that you will later regret. DO NOT sleep with your ex. If you do, accept the responsibility for the consequences. Sex with someone who you are accustomed to is comforting and great. Sex with some who is familiar and that you still feel something for but who has broken up with you, will feel great at that moment, but often filled with expectations, which usually lead to disappointment. Just because you start having sex with your ex again doesn’t mean you are getting back together…getting back together does not solely rely on getting laid, hence if you were actually getting back together you’d damn sure know it before you had sex. They may miss you, but they sure don’t miss you that much. If you are the type of person to have sex with expectation, it is not wise you treat it in a casual fashion, don’t have sex with you ex. While you may feel validated for the short term pleasure, it may have long lasing consequences that now set you back. Understand that you cannot sex your way back into a relationship. If sex was what held your relationship together, it was fragile anyway, plus you wouldn’t have broken up.

Part Two