Wrote this blog a while ago! But some of my feelings have changed. At the time I wrote this, I was in the situation (and still am). People say you’ll never understand until you are in the situation, and being in the situation will make you change your mind about how you feel…But honestly, a lot of the variables I mentioned in this blog are variables that I have experienced; which is why I am editing this blog so read on…
***Warning this is long, but it’s a great read!! So definitely read it when you have the time!!
People say, the older you get. The chances of meeting someone who never had kids get slimmer. Other people say I’ve waited this long, why should I settle now. But is dating someone with kids really settling or is more of a compromise? He’s a great guy, treats you right, has a promising career and faithful…the one “downfall,” he has a child. What do you do? I am most certainly still on the fence about this.
I’m in my 20’s and childless. I have no one to worry about except myself…which mean it’s natural for me to be selfish, which I am well within my right to be. I don’t like coming second to anyone or anything. Let’s just say, when I go to the hair dresser, I schedule myself, for the earliest appointment possible and I arrive 15mins early, so I can be the first one in and the first one out. I don’t want anyone ahead of me. For me dating someone with kids, keeps me at 2nd, regardless of what I do.
People say it different kind of a relationship between a girlfriend/boyfriend and a parent/child, but bottom line…”if you ain’t first, your last” ~ Rick Bobby, Talladega Nights. LOL. And trust and believe you will NEVER come first.
I feel this way for lots of reason. Remember the movie Sex in the City? Remember how the excitement of getting married no longer existed to Mr. Big because he’d been through it before? That’s how I feel about someone having kids…that initial excitement of having your first child has already been experienced with someone else. Yea having a baby is always an “exciting” experience, but there’s nothing like the first time, period. And quite frankly I don’t want to hear, “Oh when I had such and such, it went like this and went like that.” There’s always going to be comparison to that FIRST experience, which I had nothing to do with you. I don’t know about you, but I hate being compared to someone/something else.
Another thing that doesn’t quite sit well with me is the fact that, there’s this baby momma in the background, that’s always going to have this baby over the father’s head. Not saying all Baby Mommas are evil Bitches, but she cool now because she know her and your child together will always come before anyone, and honestly no one can threaten that at any time and some baby Mommas can be very messy, jealous, petty, immature….
I also believe that some women hold on to their feelings with a man they had a child with a little bit BECAUSE of the fact that they have a child together. Some women don’t want to be just looked at as “Baby Momma” or another statistic. Honestly some women having a baby out of wedlock makes them feel like a disappointment, like they let their parents down (shit some women get pregnant on purpose, thinking it’ll keep a man)…with all those situations, now you have to worry if the Baby Momma is going to come back and ask for a relationship again, because you know baby mommas have NO respect for the new girl. They think they forever have rights to their child’s father whether they are in a relationship with someone else or not.
To love someone is to love them and everything that comes with them, but damn, it hard enough being in a relationship with one person, now I got to worry about kids & baby mommas too…I mean I’m always down for a challenge, but really, has the medical world not progressed enough, for you all to get on birth control! Exhale, it’s too much. Especially when you’re in your 20’s and you’re just starting to find yourself and start looking for someone to share your life with, but only to find they are already sharing their life with someone else, whether you’re in their life or not.
I think the problem with a lot of people is once they have children they don’t exactly know how to integrate someone new in their lives. Also the own guilt and feel like they’ve failed as a parent b/c the relationship with the mother didn’t work out (and both parents no longer around at the same time, fulltime) gets in the way of their over happiness, and you may find yourself a victim of a mess THEY created.
Of course your kids come 1st in all I do….but you need to have other healthy relationships or you will go insane! If you are going to dedicate all of your emotional and physical self to your kids 24-7, you are going to create very self-centered, spoiled little brats. And no one wants to date someone who has bratty kids. In a few years when your children leave home and have their own lives, you will be feeling very lost…”
My initial advice for people who have kids is to date someone who has kids as well. They’ll probably be more understanding and more sensitive to the fact. But even, people with kids sometimes don’t want to date someone with kids. I can understand to some extent because again, it’s all about being number one, and if you have a child of your own and you date someone with kids, you and your child wouldn’t come first either. This is the ultimate selfishness, because it’s like asking someone to hold to a standard that you didn’t. To me it’s the equivalent to asking a man to have a job and car, but you don’t. Huh? Where they do that at??
My initial advice for people who don’t have kids…RUN in the other direction!!! Honestly…LOL for all the reasons I been giving. It is hard, a serious challenge and honestly, if your young don’t make that kind of commitment, and once you put yourself in a situation you can’t just back out, especially when feelings start getting involved.
Kids get older, attitudes change, yea, they all cute and shit when they little. But let’s be real, think back to when you were in middle, high school…You know what time it is! You know how you and your peers were. The,” You’re not my mother! You can’t tell me what to do! And I need attention”” tactics start kicking in.Who wants to be bothered with that in their 20’s, especially when it’s someone else’s child. Now being in your 20’s, you don’t HAVE to date someone with kids. Maybe if I was like 35+ the pickings are starting to get even slimmer, maybe even down to the bare minimum…But if you do end up in the situation in your 20’s, you have to decide if this is the kind of sacrifice you want to make? Is the person worth it?
You know people always ask me, well what if it were you who had a baby and trying to find a date; How would you feel if a guy said he wouldn’t date you because you had a baby? But Sorry, I don’t live my life based on what ifs; I live my life based on what is!!! And what it is, at the end of the day and as vain as it may sound I don’t have a baby. I took the precautions and made the decisions I needed so that I didn’t end up in that situation. So I don’t have to worry about it. If we lived our lives based on what ifs we would still be trying to build fire with sticks. But if I had to answer the question about a guy not wanting to date me because of the sole fact that I had a baby, my answer would be, he’s well with in his right to make that decision. People have to understand, having kids is instant baggage. It’s not a carry-on that you can just toss wherever and whenever you don’t want it.
Bottom line, sometimes it’s not the child; it’s the ex you had the baby with. Sometimes it’s both. Being with someone who has kids, their ex will ALWAYS be a part of your life. Yea you may miss out on a great person by not dating someone who has a child, but maybe you’ve also lucked out, and missed out on a having a bratty ass kid around, and a baby momma who secretly wants her baby father back…I’m not saying all situations are bad, but you have to weigh your options a really decide if this is the kind of commitment you want to make. Are you really ready to take that on? To me, you have to be willing and ok with not being at the top of the list. And most women are not ok with (even the ones who have kids aren’t ok with that). MMM, I’m on the fence about this for real. But like I said before, are you compromising your wants to suit other people’s situation? It may sound like your settling, but is it settling if you happy? For most dating someone with kids is a deal breaker. I know for me it used to be. BUT, I’ve found someone that makes ME happy and who I see myself being with in the long run. I have faith that mean and mines will work out. But honestly, if we happen to not work out…would I do it again…most certainly not. You can’t make that sacrifice for everyone…Just the one you Love.
So as you can see just because you’re in a situation, doesn’t mean you’ll change your mind about where you stand, you’ve just made an exception for a person you find exceptional…
Please leave your comments below, I would love some feedback…