Relationships & Sex

Stay or Go (Part 2 of 2)



Knowing When to Work At Your Relationship P2: Questions to Ask Yourself & Key Signs

In part one I explained how the opportunity to work at your relationship can really only exist, if you’re two people who are potentially right for each other but engaging in behaviours that are counterproductive to the success of the relationship. You both need to be coming from an honest, illusion free place otherwise your efforts will be pointless.

So where do you start? Continue reading “Stay or Go (Part 2 of 2)”

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Relationships & Sex

…Serial Realtionship Cutter…


I always see people who are completely overwhelmed by rejection or repeatedly throwing themselves under the same rejection bus because they don’t want to deal with the pain of accepting someone’s choice in another person. They think they can make one or a number of rejections right by trying to get this person to validate them and unfortunately end up experiencing even more pain. These are the people who live by that rule, “fight for what you want.” But think about it, you are fighting for this person, and they are fighting for someone else. You can’t fight a battle with someone who isn’t in the same fight.

 

When you participate in unavailable relationships, it’s like you’re seeking validation in order to gain an overall retraction that would right the wrongs of the past, or if you keep going back in no matter how crappy a capacity to a poor or even non-existent relationship, you’re trying to get them to retract the rejection. Bottom line, they won’t. It’s you who needs to retract your own rejection. This type of behavior is what I like to call, a serial realtionship cutter. Even though you know it hurts, you keep doing it because you haven’t reached the goal you THINK you need to.

 

 

This retraction you’re seeking is not going to cause the doors of heavens to open or angels to even sing. No announcements will go out, no nothing. Yes you’ll know it’s there, yes you will have achieved your aim, but it’s really all for your own ego and if your purpose is to satisfy your ego, you’ll actually be better off doing it yourself. As many people can attest to, often after getting the holy grail of apologies, or telling them about themselves, or even ‘winning’ them back, it’s a major let down.

 

Many people seek retraction from an ex because we are worried about what people will think about the end of the relationship. You start wondering what he told his friends about why you broke up. Did he give the right reason? Did he say it my fault?? But people are going to think what they want to think no matter what you do, so the best thing that you can do is not give away all of your power.

Don’t use ‘rejection’ to make judgments about you. You have better things to do than crawl inside their mind. You could focus on trying to force them to change their mind, but really, if you’re that bothered, you’ve already made a judgment about yourself and it’s actually your own mind that you need to change. You don’t need to wait for them to change their mind, for you to change your mind. You managed to survive for however many years before they came along – there’s no way in hell that you shouldn’t be able to handle your own identity.

You cannot control everyone else’s minds – people like thinking about themselves!

 

Stop putting all your energy into someone who is not willing to put all their energy into you…They are unavailable. They aren’t unavailable against their will; they are unavailable to you because they want to be. Stop looking seeking validation, accept the rejection and move on. Stop seeking for someone to change their mind, if they want to change their mind, you breathing down their neck is not going to speed up the process and that’s if the process is even meant to happen. Stop re-opening the same wound over and over again. Give it time to heal and move on.

 

Relationships & Sex

Breakup 101: Part Two


Check out Part One Click Here, because I am jumping straight into Part Two, no introduction…

Recognize when you are obsessing over your ex, take a step back so that you don’t end up trapped in denial. Also do not engage in behavior that will cause you to lose your dignity and give them a chance to call you crazy or a stalker. If you’re constantly checking them out on Facebook, reaching out to their family and/or friends, logging on to their email or voicemail, spending month obsessing over the details of the relationship, it is time to step back and get some perspective. Lean on your friend or family for some support. Turn to people who DO NOT encourage your obsessive behavior. All this obsessive stuff and making it your business to be a pest to someone, is only an attempt to control them and what they do. Don’t go there. Some of it can start off really innocently, but it can easily spiral out of control without you even realizing what you are doing. You’ll think it’s you and your “love” for this person. But it is a very slippery slope for crossing into behavior that can leave you fanning the flames of embarrassment when you ex puts you back in your place. Be cautious of being spiteful because will be inadvertently legitimizing any negative perception they have of you, plus you may even legitimize their reasons for breaking up with you in the first place. I understand that you may feel angry, rejected and humiliated, but doing things out of spite isn’t the way. You’re actually creating more pain and resentment for yourself.

Do not blitz them with your love. Sometimes when you break up with someone, we tend to pull out “all the stunts.” Start doing things that you didn’t do when you were together or you O.D. on the things you did in the relationship, basically to “show them what they are missing.” The fact of the matter is this…THEY KOW WHAT THEY ARE MISSING, and they’ve made the decision that they don’t want what you have to offer. “Even if you do genuinely believe you have something to offer, they don’t have to take it and what you think they want and need, is not the same as what they think they want and need – it’s not up to you.” Women (and Men) seem to be confused when they are still rejected by their ex after they have been pursuing them aggressively, by offering up the whole “kit and caboodle.” You are pretty much diminishing your chances of ever giving them a chance to miss you, when you don’t give them a chance to breathe. By bombarding them with you attention and affection and continuously expressing your feelings, they are quickly losing respect for you; because you are not respecting their wishes. What you want, it not what they want. You can’t switch off your feelings, but you need to know when to switch ON your self-respect, for your sake.

STOP! Strop trying to get back together with some who has already rejected you more than once. The break up was the first rejection!!!If someone has rejected you once, it’s already one too many times, but when it goes beyond that it’s on you. For 1, what the fuck are you trying to achieve?? 2, what the fuck is so special about them that you would give them the option to reject you again? I am telling you STOP pursuing people that have both directly and passively rejected you. Do not force yourself or love on anyone. You shouldn’t have to convince someone of you “greatness.” The moment you let someone reject you more than once, you’re saying “You are free to reject me again! Comeback and have go whenever you’re ready! I’ll be here waiting.” When you keep pursuing someone who has broken up with you, it’s because you are trying to stem the loss of rejection and ease the sting of rejection by getting attention from them so you feel validated. The breakup could’ve easily triggered some old abandonment issues and you’ll pursue them to stop that feeling. Any attention of validation you get will be short lived, and you will have to start the process all over again. But of course you won’t heed the signs that someone isn’t interested, you won’t even start the process of the breakup BECAUSE YOU’LL BE TOO BUSY STILL PURSUING THEM!!

Don’t punish yourself for the breakup by neglecting yourself or doing things that is essentially you acting without love, and respect towards yourself. It is perfectly fine and OK to feel upset, to cry, to be angry, to spend some time letting go and immersing yourself in the after effects, but there is a LIMIT. If you get to a point when you are telling yourself that no-one wants you, you can’t survive without them, and you let the loss of this relationship dictate your view on yourself and the world, you’ve gone too far. And sometimes, we do get to that point, but you must acknowledge it when you do. Focus in nurturing yourself and take your ex off that high pedestal you’ve out them on. You should on the top of your world. Never let some define who you are, and if you feel you need someone to define who you are, then that’s a whole other situation outside of the breakup that you need to deal with yourself.

Do not wait or put your life on hold for anyone. When you break up, take it as a final and get on with your life. Seriously. I know the temptation is to hang around to make sure they don’t forget you and forget what you guys shared, but all your doing is putting your life in limbo, and they are going off and living their lives. And you’re just sitting there hoping they’ll change their mind. A lot of “dumpers” are opportunist. They’ll feed off the fact that you can’t move on and the fact that you’re waiting around. They’ll come around when they need that quick ego boost, sex, a shoulder to lean on, money and other fringe benefits they can enjoy do to you inability to move on. Which goes back to, don’t confuse yourself and recognizing communication for what it is. I have been on both sides; the dumper and dumpee. And as the dumper I have committed this act numerous of times!! If you set boundaries for yourself, it’ll create faith that there is someone better out there for you that someone who has already broken up with you. I know women and men who have mentally waited on their ex; Meaning they’ll date other people, to conceal the fact that they haven’t moved on, but without a doubt would drop the current relationship at ANY given point if their ex came back. These are called cover-ups. I’ve also known people who have physically waited for their exes. Meaning they date no one else, sleep with no one else, talk to no one else, so that they can always remain emotionally and physically available “just in case” the ex comes running back, which usually NEVER happens. They end up alone, bitter and mad at the world.

So, hopefully this has helped (or will help) some of you guys!!

Thanks for Reading!! Don’t forget to comment!!