Relationships & Sex

Fingers Crossed…


 

Why do boyfriends, girlfriends, husbands and wives lie to each other?

It is unpleasant to think about being betrayed by someone you love. No one likes to think that a significant other may be lying, especially not in their own relationship. And it’s probably safe to assume that everyone wants a close, romantic relationship that is built on openness, intimacy and trust. But despite our best intentions, our close relationships do not always work that way. Often, our romantic relationships involve some secrecy and deception. So my question is… why do people lie to those they love?

It took me sometime to understand this, because I feel that I am honest about a lot of things, some might say I am TOO honest, which again I didn’t understand. But after some research…I’ve come to the conclusion that we do all lie, some more than others, but we all do it.

 

I asked a few people, what things they lie to their partners about?  One example my coworker Christine gave me was, Her and her fiance are saving for their wedding, But when she goes shopping , comes home with her bags and he asks her how much she spent, She goes, “not that much everything was on sale” Even though none of it was really on sale. Even my mom does this; to this day my mom sneaks her shopping bags in the house when my stepfather isn’t home and the acts likes she’s had things for years when he asks her about something he’s never seen…another one of my other co works say she laughs at all her husband’s jokes, even when they aren’t funny, So there is a state where lying is “OK.” But understanding the balance on what to lie about and what not to lie about is where a lot of couples have problems.

Love tends to not work out the exact way we plan, which is sometimes where the excitement of Love lies. We tend to hold on to the fairy tales about how love should be, but to be honest…It’s not. Not saying it is wrong to expect and receive the best, but you have to understand and learn, that getting to the best isn’t always easy. Love is not enough to make a relationship last… Even though romantic relationships are viewed as the source of “much happiness, love, and understanding,” as it turns out, our closest relationships are actually the source of our most painful emotional experiences.

Close relationships are built on a mutual dependence, in other words, your actions impact your partner and vice versa. As interdependence increases, telling the trust becomes more essential. To have successful outcome, in your relationship, couples need to know and understand each other. On the other hand as interdependence increases, people also are no longer free to do what they want, when they want, with whom they want. So as we get closer to someone, telling the truth becomes more important but it also starts posing more risk.

Telling the truth is easy to do when interdependence is low, and you basically have nothing to lose. For example, those time where you are sitting on a plane or standing on a line pouring your heart out to a complete stranger. Telling the truth in such situations does not matter – there is no real consequence for doing so (nor is there any real benefit).

When interdependence is high, however, telling the truth is important. Telling the truth allows people to coordinate their actions, create intimacy and closeness. But, interdependence also makes deception more likely. Because partners expect and demand a lot from us, telling the truth carries more risk. Telling the truth in a close relationship can lead to increased conflict, negativity and it can restrain your goals.

As it stands, both telling the truth and deception are needed to make a relationship work. Intimacy requires honesty, but complete honesty tears couples apart; finding the right balance, can be difficult for many couples to do.

What’s your little white lie??

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Relationships & Sex

The Dilemma


So it’s been a minute since I written a “relationship blog” and I’ve actually been working on this one for a few weeks, and seeing someone that I am subscribed to talk about this, made me want to finish writing it.

A few months ago (maybe even last year some time…LOL), a friend of mine Dianne (Make sure you go check out her Natural Hair Blog: http://dbld17.tumblr.com/) posted a question on the Facebook:  If you friend’s boyfriend/girl friend is cheating on them, should you tell your friend?  And it got me to thinking, would I tell my friend if they were being cheated on.

Now at first thought I’m like HELL YEA you should tell. Then I really think about, Ok Maybe I should just hint at the idea? I mean if it were me I would want someone to tell me right? Some people think, well if I tell then I’ve just ruined a relationship. If I tell, my friend is just going to think I’m hating or jealous. Now If I don’t tell I am lying to my friend. If I don’t tell then I’m letting her stay in a relationship where someone is just treating her wrong. You know with all the WHAT IFS and conclusion at the end of the day YOUR FRIEND IS BEING CHEATED ON. And quite frankly, if my friend knew and didn’t tell me, I would be pissed; and if my friend told me and I didn’t believe them, then found out on my own, I’m going to wish I listened to my friend. At least as a true friend you did the right thing by telling them, especially if you know FOR SURE their partner is dipping out on them. I wouldn’t go to my friend with an assumption. But regardless don’t you just hate to be the bearer of bad news??

We as women, we drive off of emotion. We have an instinct; we kind of get that feeling when someone is being deceitful to us. Sometimes we confront it; sometimes we are in denial, sometime we need someone to give us a reality check. My point in saying that is, your friend may already know or at least have a feeling. (Now if it is a man, he’s probably completely clueless…LOL…Just joking). The thing about telling a friend something like this, you have to be SURE. You can’t just go, “Oh I saw your boyfriend is cheating on you with this girl in the Mall. It could’ve been cousin, a friend, and aunt, niece. But at the same time, that information may give you friend more reason to question their partner and that just may be just enough to get the ball rolling and have you friend ask questions.

Maybe telling you friend directly isn’t the answer. Have you ever seen that movie, The Dilemma with Vince Vaughn (“Ronny” in the movie) and Kevin James (“Nick” in the movie)? Ronny initially confronts Geneva (Winona Ryder) and tells her to tell Nick about she has been doing behind his back. Of course that plan kind of back fired because she in returned had some dirt on Ronny. In the movie he went to extreme lengths to catch her again, which is way too much stress for the average person, so I definitely wouldn’t recommend that route. However, maybe confronting the person who is cheating may a route to go. It may scare them enough that you’ll tell and come clean to your friend themselves.

Bottom line, it is a very hard position to be in. Whether you want to tell your friend, they their man that you know, keep it to yourself and hope for the best, whatever options you think you have, go with your gut. You may lose a friend, you may not; but do what you think is right. Remeber, your loyalty is ALWAYS to your friend.

As for what I would do, honestly I have no idea. I think for me it would depend on which friend it is. But for the most part I think I would tell…ok maybe just hint at the idea, like, ‘hey I saw your man at the mall with some girl, was that his cousin?” LOL No but seriously, what would you do??

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Looking forward to reading your responses…