Photos of the Day

Photo Of The Day: Family Thanksgiving Pictures


This is my first time putting on my photography hat! Hope I did ok. Wanted to get some great shots of my little lady’s 1st Thanksgiving. Now If I can only get her to actually smile in these family pictures…LOL

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Secret Letters

Fighting for Validation


Dear Fighting for Validation,

I think I’ve said this before…but, “in order for someone to be jealous of you, you must have something they want”

Continue reading “Fighting for Validation”

Relationships & Sex

Seeking Validation in Relationships


There are a number of issues that are recurring themes in struggling or uncertain relationships and seeking validation is one of them. Women who love emotionally unavailable men spend an incredible amount of time engaged in activities that are supposed to lead to getting the validation that they seek.

While these guys are thinking, “I’m not that bad”, the women that love them are thinking variations of “Tell me that I’m good person of value and that I’m the exception.” It seems every woman wants to be the exception.

 Guys get validation all the time that they’re not as bad as they really are, because the validation comes when they continue to get women and when each of those women accepts their behavior, because they are trying to be the exception!

We all have our values (even if we don’t use them) and they are tied to our beliefs determining what we feel is right and wrong, good and bad.

The only way I can define Seeking validation in relationships, is when you look to get confirmation that something is “true.” This cuts both ways so while you may spend a unreasonable amount of energy trying to get others to confirm that you are a person of value, loveable, a great girlfriend, the best girlfriend, the “one”, the best friend etc., you may also be someone who spends an equally amount of time confirming that negative things that you believe are actually true, creating a self-fulfilling prophecy.

We get involved with people that reflect what we believe about love, relationships, and ourselves.

So if you imagine that someone believes that relationships don’t last, that men disappear and cheat, and that there is something unlovable about her, she’ll get involved with someone who offers the least likely prospect for commitment who is likely to blow hot and cold and disappear or outright abandon her, and who will have a tendency to cheat with other women, hence making what you think to be “true”…True.

She’ll do this because her beliefs mean that she is afraid of actually going out there and committing herself because she’s afraid of it not lasting. Even if she met someone who would probably not do any of these, she wouldn’t believe them.

Despite ending up with someone that reflects her beliefs, she will look for validation by trying to get him to commit and stop disappearing, by staying with him even when he screws around on her or makes it clear that he is pursuing other interests, and by trying to get him to make her the exception to his rule of behavior and treat her with decency so that she can believe she is good enough, VALID, and lovable.

Instead, by this guy continuing his behavior, she’ll think that if she wasn’t flawed and a lovable person, she would have been able to hold onto him because good, lovable people get the guy to make them the exception, so every negative thing she already believes about herself is perpetuated.

That my friend is the self-fulfilling prophecy of seeking validation from people who are fundamentally incompatible with the concept of a healthy relationship. Stop focusing on trying to be the exception and focus on being an exceptional person and attracting an exceptional man…not an less than exceptional man and trying  to make him see how exceptional you are.

Relationships & Sex

CAUSE I DON’T WANT EM!!


So I wanted to post this last week, but I got so tied up with Life…LOL…

There is one question that I always get asked that bothers me to the core…It seems the older I get the more frequent I get asked this question. It’s one of the most annoying questions I get asked these days…“WHEN ARE YOU GOING TO START HAVING KIDS??” 

Umm, did I miss something…last time I checked being single, unmarried and with child is something that I generally frowned upon…Did I miss the Join the Baby Momma train and don’t worry about getting married memo??

 

I am sorry but there is so much more to life than just being a mother and a wife. There’s building a career, traveling, just enjoying life, with no strings attached. Not saying I don’t want to have kids or want to be married, but to me, one comes before the other; and marriage for me comes first…having kids come second, if at all.

 

I look around and see all these women/men having kids, with no ring on their finger and just walk around like they are really married, but never actually making an official commitment. Ladies what is this telling men?? “All I have to do is get her pregnant and she’ll be happy without me having to actually marry her.” Then women are just going around calling these men their husbands, when all they really are, are their baby daddies. Have women just learned to settle for a man isn’t going to marry them? Have the desperation for women to get married, lowered women’s standards to settle on being a baby momma??

 

No disrespect, but just because you have a baby by someone, doesn’t make them your husband. Quite frankly, most women (minus the few who have challenges in that area) can lie down and give birth; it’s not a magic trick. If I wanted to have a baby right now, I could easily get pregnant and have a child of my own. But to me building a close bond with someone and building a foundation, that doesn’t involve anyone else but you two and putting in time to have a solid future, takes way more work…Having unprotected sex doesn’t. Having a relationship that that solely started and continued because you had a child with someone isn’t a bond because there was true love there, but it’s a bond that was built around a child and if that’s what your relationship was built on, it won’t last too long. A realtionship of circumstance never does…

 

Now I am not knocking people who do have kids out of wedlock, but I am knocking the people who think having a child = marriage. IT DOESN’T, like I’ve said before…when you do your taxes, you still do them alone & check the single box; you don’t check married, you don’t checked divorced…I am a firm believer in calling it what it is…I mean why “perpetrate a fraud” I can understand some women’s shame in ending up in the Baby Momma category, but that doesn’t mean you have to lie about it. I mean honestly, you knew what it was when you laid down. It always boggles me when people act surprised they got pregnant (or got someone pregnant). I mean you have unprotected sex, you weren’t on birth control…I mean what did you expect to happen?? Did you cross your fingers and hope for the best?? 

 

I respect single mothers, single mothers who keep is 100 that is. My mother didn’t marry my father. She always stayed honest about it, she didn’t walk around using his last name pretending they were married. Or go out and leagally changed her last name with out actually getting married, just so everything “looked” good on paper. My mother didn’t try and conceal us from the realities of our world. Which honestly for me, it was best; staying honest has always been something I take pride in.

 

Now going back to the question of, “When I am going to start having kids?” All the reasons I stated above are the reasons I DON’T have kids right now…Mainly because I am NOT married and I have no intentions on being someone’s baby momma. Sorry, but being a baby momma and accepting a Faux Marriage is NOT for me. I see what being one is like. I see how dating if things don’t work out with the father, and I wouldn’t want to put someone else through that. It is a very difficult situation. I vowed to myself, that when (or if) I decide to have kids, it will be with someone who I have already committed myself to and have already started to spend the rest of my life with. Right now, I prefer to stand out from the crowd, than blend in and fall into being a statistic.

 

 

So they next time you see someone and you are thinking of asking them, “When are they going to have kids,” stop and take a look at the fourth finger, left hand…If there is nothing there, chances are, that’s the reason they don’t have any kids. Even though I don’t want to be asked, “when I am getting married either,” it is the less of two evils, I guess. I am only 26; I am in NO RUSH, to have kids. Even if I were married right now, I still wouldn’t be in any rush to have kids…This is a decision of A LOT of young, unmarried women, and quite frankly we don’t like being questioned about it because last time we checked, being a single woman without any kids is a good thing, and something that is clearly becoming a rare luxury.

Hopefully after this, this will put rest to this annoying, redundant question…From now on when someone asks me this question, I am just going to give them that Madea blank stare…

Relationships & Sex

Reloaded:You Ain’t My Momma!!


Wrote this blog a while ago! But some of my feelings have changed. At the time I wrote this, I was in the situation (and still am). People say you’ll never understand until you are in the situation, and being in the situation will make you change your mind about how you feel…But honestly, a lot of the variables I mentioned in this blog are variables that I have experienced; which is why I am editing this blog so read on…

***Warning this is long, but it’s a great read!! So definitely read it when you have the time!! 

People say, the older you get. The chances of meeting someone who never had kids get slimmer. Other people say I’ve waited this long, why should I settle now. But is dating someone with kids really settling or is more of a compromise? He’s a great guy, treats you right, has a promising career and faithful…the one “downfall,” he has a child. What do you do? I am most certainly still on the fence about this.

 

I’m in my 20’s and childless. I have no one to worry about except myself…which mean it’s natural for me to be selfish, which I am well within my right to be. I don’t like coming second to anyone or anything. Let’s just say, when I go to the hair dresser, I schedule myself, for the earliest appointment possible and I arrive 15mins early, so I can be the first one in and the first one out. I don’t want anyone ahead of me. For me dating someone with kids, keeps me at 2nd, regardless of what I do.

 

People say it different kind of a relationship between a girlfriend/boyfriend and a parent/child, but bottom line…”if you ain’t first, your last” ~ Rick Bobby, Talladega Nights. LOL. And trust and believe you will NEVER come first. 

 

I feel this way for lots of reason. Remember the movie Sex in the City? Remember how the excitement of getting married no longer existed to Mr. Big because he’d been through it before? That’s how I feel about someone having kids…that initial excitement of having your first child has already been experienced with someone else. Yea having a baby is always an “exciting” experience, but there’s nothing like the first time, period. And quite frankly I don’t want to hear, “Oh when I had such and such, it went like this and went like that.” There’s always going to be comparison to that FIRST experience, which I had nothing to do with you. I don’t know about you, but I hate being compared to someone/something else.

 

Another thing that doesn’t quite sit well with me is the fact that, there’s this baby momma in the background, that’s always going to have this baby over the father’s head. Not saying all Baby Mommas are evil Bitches, but she cool now because she know her and your child together will always come before anyone, and honestly no one can threaten that at any time and some baby Mommas can be very messy, jealous, petty, immature….

I also believe that some women hold on to their feelings with a man they had a child with a little bit BECAUSE of the fact that they have a child together. Some women don’t want to be just looked at as “Baby Momma” or another statistic. Honestly some women having a baby out of wedlock makes them feel like a disappointment, like they let their parents down (shit some women get pregnant on purpose, thinking it’ll keep a man)…with all those situations, now you have to worry if the Baby Momma is going to come back and ask for a relationship again, because you know baby mommas have NO respect for the new girl. They think they forever have rights to their child’s father whether they are in a relationship with someone else or not.

 

To love someone is to love them and everything that comes with them, but damn, it hard enough being in a relationship with one person, now I got to worry about kids & baby mommas too…I mean I’m always down for a challenge, but really, has the medical world not progressed enough, for you all to get on birth control! Exhale, it’s too much. Especially when you’re in your 20’s and you’re just starting to find yourself and start looking for someone to share your life with, but only to find they are already sharing their life with someone else, whether you’re in their life or not.

 

I think the problem with a lot of people is once they have children they don’t exactly know how to integrate someone new in their lives. Also the own guilt and feel like they’ve failed as a parent b/c the relationship with the mother didn’t work out (and both parents no longer around at the same time, fulltime) gets in the way of their over happiness, and you may find yourself a victim of a mess THEY created.

Of course your kids come 1st in all I do….but you need to have other healthy relationships or you will go insane! If you are going to dedicate all of your emotional and physical self to your kids 24-7, you are going to create very self-centered, spoiled little brats. And no one wants to date someone who has bratty kids. In a few years when your children leave home and have their own lives, you will be feeling very lost…”

 

My initial advice for people who have kids is to date someone who has kids as well. They’ll probably be more understanding and more sensitive to the fact. But even, people with kids sometimes don’t want to date someone with kids. I can understand to some extent because again, it’s all about being number one, and if you have a child of your own and you date someone with kids, you and your child wouldn’t come first either. This is the ultimate selfishness, because it’s like asking someone to hold to a standard that you didn’t. To me it’s the equivalent to asking a man to have a job and car, but you don’t. Huh? Where they do that at??

 

My initial advice for people who don’t have kids…RUN in the other direction!!! Honestly…LOL for all the reasons I been giving. It is hard, a serious challenge and honestly, if your young don’t make that kind of commitment, and once you put yourself in a situation you can’t just back out, especially when feelings start getting involved.

 

Kids get older, attitudes change, yea, they all cute and shit when they little. But let’s be real, think back to when you were in middle, high school…You know what time it is! You know how you and your peers were. The,” You’re not my mother! You can’t tell me what to do! And I need attention”” tactics start kicking in.Who wants to be bothered with that in their 20’s, especially when it’s someone else’s child. Now being in your 20’s, you don’t HAVE to date someone with kids. Maybe if I was like 35+ the pickings are starting to get even slimmer, maybe even down to the bare minimum…But if you do end up in the situation in your 20’s, you have to decide if this is the kind of sacrifice you want to make? Is the person worth it?

 

You know people always ask me, well what if it were you who had a baby and trying to find a date; How would you feel if a guy said he wouldn’t date you because you had a baby? But Sorry, I don’t live my life based on what ifs; I live my life based on what is!!! And what it is, at the end of the day and as vain as it may sound I don’t have a baby. I took the precautions and made the decisions I needed so that I didn’t end up in that situation. So I don’t have to worry about it. If we lived our lives based on what ifs we would still be trying to build fire with sticks. But if I had to answer the question about a guy not wanting to date me because of the sole fact that I had a baby, my answer would be, he’s well with in his right to make that decision. People have to understand, having kids is instant baggage. It’s not a carry-on that you can just toss wherever and whenever you don’t want it.

 

Bottom line, sometimes it’s not the child; it’s the ex you had the baby with. Sometimes it’s both. Being with someone who has kids, their ex will ALWAYS be a part of your life. Yea you may miss out on a great person by not dating someone who has a child, but maybe you’ve also lucked out, and missed out on a having a bratty ass kid around, and a baby momma who secretly wants her baby father back…I’m not saying all situations are bad, but you have to weigh your options a really decide if this is the kind of commitment you want to make. Are you really ready to take that on? To me, you have to be willing and ok with not being at the top of the list. And most women are not ok with (even the ones who have kids aren’t ok with that). MMM, I’m on the fence about this for real. But like I said before, are you compromising your wants to suit other people’s situation? It may sound like your settling, but is it settling if you happy? For most dating someone with kids is a deal breaker. I know for me it used to be. BUT, I’ve found someone that makes ME happy and who I see myself being with in the long run. I have faith that mean and mines will work out. But honestly, if we happen to not work out…would I do it again…most certainly not. You can’t make that sacrifice for everyone…Just the one you Love.

 

So as you can see just because you’re in a situation, doesn’t mean you’ll change your mind about where you stand, you’ve just made an exception for a person you find exceptional…

 

Please leave your comments below, I would love some feedback…

Relationships & Sex

You Ain’t my Momma


I went through my High School yearbook and counted how many classmates of mine that I know for a fact, had kids. About 10% of my graduating class has given birth. That 10% only includes people who I know had kids and don’t included people who I don’t have contact with anymore to even know if they have kids or not…so that percentage could be higher so let’s just scoot that number up to 15% to be safe. Now I fall into the 85% who don’t have any kids. Some of those people who fall into the 85% use to date the people who now fall into the 15% of people who have kids. I wonder how they would feel about dating them now that they have kids. Does someone having kids affect if you would date them or not?

 

People say, the older you get. The chances of meeting someone who never had kids get slimmer. Other people say I’ve waited this long, why should I settle now. But is dating someone with kids really settling or is more of a compromise? He’s a great guy, treats you right, has a promising career and faithful…the one “downfall,” he has a baby. What do you do?

I’m in my 20’s and childless. I have no one to worry about except myself…which mean it’s natural for me to be selfish, which I am well within my right to be. I don’t like coming second to anyone or anything. Let’s just say, when I go to the hair dresser, I schedule myself, for the earliest appointment possible and I arrive 15mins early, so I can be the first one in and the first one out. I don’t want anyone ahead of me. For me dating someone with kids, keeps me at 2nd, regardless of what I do.

 

People say it different kind of a relationship between a girlfriend/boyfriend and a child, but bottom line…if there was a gun to your head and a gun to their child’s head; guess who’s taking the bullet??, which is understandable and the obvious decision. 2nd place is 2nd place no matter which way your try to sugar coat it. And if you think about it, you’re actually 3rd, because now the baby mommas come before you too. Think about this scenario, gun to your girlfriend and gun to the mother of your child…. MMM? Yea I’m dead Bitch…Of course that scenario is the most extreme and hopefully no one ever gets to that point. But I’m just saying.

 

I feel this way for lots of reason. Remember the movie Sex in the City? Remember how the excitement of getting married no longer existed to Mr. Big because he’d been through it before? That’s how I feel about someone having kids…that initial excitement of having your first child has already been experienced with someone else. Yea having a baby is always an “exciting” experience, but there’s nothing like the first time, period. And quite frankly I don’t want to hear, “Oh when I had such and such, it went like this and went like that.” There’s always going to be comparison to that FIRST experience, which I had nothing to do with me. I don’t know about you, but I hate being compared to someone else.

 

Another thing that doesn’t quite sit well with me is the fact that, there’s this baby momma in the background, that’s always going to have this baby over the father’s head. Not saying all women are evil baby mommas, but she cool now because she know her and your child together will always come before anyone, and honestly no one can threaten that at anytime.  To love someone is to love them and everything that comes with them, but damn, it hard enough being in a relationship with one person, now I got to worry about kids & baby mommas too…I mean I’m always down for a challenge, but there’s no comparison when it comes to family and whether I want it not, Baby Mommas are part of the family.

 

Exhale, it’s too much. Especially when you’re in your 20’s and you’re just starting to find yourself and start looking for someone to share your life with, but only to find they are already sharing their life with someone else, whether you’re in their life or not. To me it’s competition, competition with the child and completion with the momma. You want to spend all your free time with your man, but you know you can’t because now their free time has to be divided between you and their child.

 

My initial advice for people who have kids is to date someone who has kids as well. They’ll probably be more understanding and more sensitive to the fact. But even, people with kids sometimes don’t want to date someone with kids. I can understand to some extent because again, it’s all about being number one, and if you have a child of your own and you date someone with kids, you and your child wouldn’t come first either. This is the ultimate selfishness, because it’s like asking someone to hold to a standard that you didn’t. To me it’s the equivalent to asking a man to have a job and car, but you don’t. Huh? Where they do that at??

 

Kids get older, attitudes change. The,” You’re not my mother! You can’t tell me what to do!” tactics start kicking in. Who wants to be bothered with that in their 20’s, especially when it’s someone else’s child whose ass you can’t lay the smack down on…HAHA. Now being in your 20’s, you don’t have to date someone with kids. Maybe if I was like 35+ the pickings are starting to get even slimmer, maybe even down to the bare minimum…But if you do end up in the situation in your 20’s, you have to decide if this is the kind of sacrifice you want to make? Is the person worth it?

 

You know people always ask me, well what if it were you who had a baby and trying to find a date; How would you feel if a guy said he wouldn’t date you because you had a baby? But Sorry, I don’t live my life based on what ifs; I live my life based on what is!!! And what it is, at the end of the day and as vain as it may sound I don’t have a baby. So I don’t have to worry about it. If we lived our lives based on what ifs we would still be trying to build fire with sticks. But if I had to answer the question about a guy not wanting to date me because of the sole fact that I had a baby, my answer would be, he well with in his right to make that decision. People have to understand, having kids is instant baggage. It’s not a carry-on that you can just toss whenever you don’t want it.

 

Sometimes it’s not the child; it’s the ex you had the baby with. Being single and not having any kids, once I break up with an ex, it’s over and I usually have no contact with that person ever again. Being with someone who has kids, your ex will ALWAYS be a part of your life. Yea you may miss out on a great person by not dating someone who has a child, but maybe you’ve also lucked out, and missed out on a having bratty ass kids around, and a baby momma who secretly wants her baby father back…I’m not saying all situations are bad, but you have to weigh your options a really decide if this is the kind of commitment you want to make. Are you really ready to take that on? To me, you have to be willing and ok with not being at the top of the list. Maybe being in at least the top 5 is good enough. Good enough…OOOO, those words just irk me. Why have good enough, when u can have the best. MMM, I’m on the fence about this for real. But like I said before, are you compromising your want to suit other people’s situation? It may sound like your settling, but is it settling if you happy? When you find someone who makes you happy, this will have to be something you seriously think about, once you choose to accept it (or not) you have to be willing to face whatever consequences or chances that may happen,  both the good and the bad, because that’s what it’ll be, something you just have to deal with.