Secret Letters

Fighting for Validation


Dear Fighting for Validation,

I think I’ve said this before…but, “in order for someone to be jealous of you, you must have something they want”

Continue reading “Fighting for Validation”

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Relationships & Sex

Avoiding Baby Momma/Daddy Drama: Tips for the BM and tips for the New Girlfriend


Definition: A Baby’s Mama is a woman who has a kid(s) for the guy she had intimate relations with. For one reason or another, realtionship didn’t last and she has been demoted from “girlfriend/wife” to “Baby Mama”. This demotion doesn’t sit well with her and she tries to keep other women away from her man by using scare tactics on them in the hope that once they are gone, he will want her back.

Dating someone with kids is probably on of the hardest things for  a female to do. And not the most ideal. Not saying men who have dated  or are dating a woman with kids don’t have a hard time but I am not a man, so I can only speak as a woman. I’ve come with a few Tips to help you decide and/or maintain a relationship with a man who has a  child and to avoid that “Baby Momma/Daddy Drama.By NO means am I a expert…I can only speak from observation, research & experience.

I am not perfect, and I can’t say I follow ALL of this BUT, they are crucial if you want to build on your relationship with your new man, maintain a realtionship with someone you’ve been with for a while, or if your thinking about starting a realtionship with a man who has a child. It may take time to get some of this under your belt. And believe me , it will NOT be easy; but it is working progress…

Now I didn’t forget about the Mothers!! Yall aren’t perfect. I gave you guys some Tips at the end as well, to avoid Drama as well!

But, let start of with my ladies who are dating man with a child:

  1. You must feel confident that your boyfriend is over his ex. If he’s always doing something for her like fixing tires, taking her to work, bringing her dinner, taking care of her when is she sick…Chances are, he’s not over her. Those things are NOT his responsibility. While he is doing all of that for her, where are you in the equation? On the back burner.
  2. If he talks negative or degrades the mother of his child, that may be a red flag…many men do this because they you want to feel comfortable or to impress you. Others do this to conceal their true feeling about the ex.
  3. A man who loves you and is IN love with you wants you to feel comfortable with his contact with his child’s mother. He won’t walk out of the room to speak to her. He doesn’t have to leave you home every time he goes to her house. You will be included on outings. Not every time, but he will invite you and include you into his child’s life.
  4. Be confident and reasonable. Don’t get mad when he gets on the phone with her. Since there is a child involved there will be conversations. You don’t have to insist every time he goes and picks up child, he will invite you or offer. If he never does,that’s another Red Flag
  5. Never degrade or belittle the ex, especially around the child.
  6. Good Communication is key. He must make you feel comfortable for you to be able to come and talk to him about your feelings and/or when you are feeling insecure. Because there WILL be times when you feel insecure. TRUST ME!
  7. If a man is in love with you, he does not want you to feel uncomfortable. A man who is in love with you will look at situations from YOUR Point of View. If he’s doesn’t, RED FLAG!!
  8. Let him handle the situation if you feel you are feeling uncomfortable or if you feel like you are being disrespected. Unless she brings the situation directly to you, do not engage. She doesn’t need to know how you feel or what you feel about their situation, she’ll just use it for ammo later.
  9. Pay attention to how he handles things. How he confronts situations. If he confronts her by throwing YOU under the bus, he probably doesn’t really respect how you feel. And what I mean by throwing you under the bus, I mean, let’s say you have a problem with him spending so much time over at her house…if the way he confronts her goes, “My girlfriend has a problem with me being here all the time so I am going to stop coming over so much.” That is throwing you under the bus.  He could’ve just simply stopped going over there so much, without discussing it with her, or if he did discuss it he could’ve just said, “you know, it inappropriate for me to be over here all the time now that I am in a committed relationship with someone.”
  10. LASTLY, You must be willing to walk away from the entire situation if you feel like you are constantly being disrespected or if you feel like you have not been being included. Some men avoid expressing how he feels about his new girlfriend to his child’s mother because they are scared of the reaction or already know they will not take well to it, but at the end of the day, sometimes, they just need to hear it. And if you man is IN love with you, he will have NO problem stating his position. RememberA man that is in love with you will raise to YOUR level of expectations.

Those are just some quick tips/practices for you ladies who are thinking about dating someone who has a child, or who may already be dating someone with a child.

Now for the ladies you have children by these men I came up with a few tips/practices for you guys as well. As new relationships develop after a child, everyone involved needs have a level of respect for ALL parties; the mothers, the fathers, the new girlfriend/boyfriend and the child. No one person deserves more respect than the other. You have to look at every situation as a possibility of a blended family being started. Even though it is not your job to make the new girlfriend feel comfortable, it also not beneficial when you treat them with disrespect. You make yourself look bad, jealous and bitter. And some women don’t mind looking like that, But for women who have respect for themselves and their child’s father, understand. So here a few tips/practices you ladies WITH children:

  1. Don’t argue. “You said you were going to buy three outfits, and you only bought two!” Gentle answers turns away wrath. If you see an argument progressing, step back and return when to the discussion when things have settled. People say arguing means you care, but in reality, arguing means no one is listening.
  2. Stop being jealous and bitter. The conversations you have should be centered around the child. Not, who is he with? Who’s he going to be with? Why he was with this person? Your jealously is just fueling his dislike for you. It is not longer your place to question his where abouts. 
  3. Don’t OVER expect anything from him. “A man is known by the fruit he bears.” Do you expect a peach tree to someday bear orange fruit?
  4.  Don’t be spiteful. He has a new girlfriend and now you don’t want your child around him? Come On, Really?? And if you’re just spiteful for no reason at all, Get over it!
  5. Don’t nag. The sound of a woman nagging is like the sound of dripping rain. Imagine how annoying that is. 
  6. Don’t make money the vocal point of the discussion. You’ll come off like a gold digger. Talking about money the wrong way can get under anyone’s skin. Stop depending on him to take care of YOU. His job is to take care of HIS CHILD! Stop it! Your a grown ass woman. He may be the father of your child, but unfortunately, he his not the man of YOUR house. 
  7.  Respect yourself! If you’re still sleeping with him, STOP. If you spending your part of your day thinking about how you’re going to break up/come between his new relationship, so he can go back to catering to you, STOP. You’re only making YOURSELF miserable.
  8. Respect him as a father. Let him know if you’re taking his child out of the state/country. Don’t ever manipulate his child or bad mouth him to your child.
  9. Respect him as man. Do not patronize him. Don’t attempt to emasculate him. Don’t bash him (to your child, family members or anyone else). When you try to make him look bad, you look bad.
  10. Stop using your child as a way to hold on to him. “If a man wants you, nothing can keep him away. If he doesn’t, NOTHING can make him stay. The sooner you get over it and move on and let go, the sooner you’ll be able to open yourself up to receive a better man.

*Disclaimer: Please do not get offended, because I do not kids…these are tips that were consolidate from just myself, but women that I know personally you have kids by a man that they are no longer in a relationship with. This is also things that I have learned as I do date a man with a child.

If you guys have anymore tips of opinions, please put them below!!

Don’t forget to follow me one twitter: @TotalDivaRea, also like me on Facebook (link is to the left)

 

Thanks for reading!!

Relationships & Sex

CAUSE I DON’T WANT EM!!


So I wanted to post this last week, but I got so tied up with Life…LOL…

There is one question that I always get asked that bothers me to the core…It seems the older I get the more frequent I get asked this question. It’s one of the most annoying questions I get asked these days…“WHEN ARE YOU GOING TO START HAVING KIDS??” 

Umm, did I miss something…last time I checked being single, unmarried and with child is something that I generally frowned upon…Did I miss the Join the Baby Momma train and don’t worry about getting married memo??

 

I am sorry but there is so much more to life than just being a mother and a wife. There’s building a career, traveling, just enjoying life, with no strings attached. Not saying I don’t want to have kids or want to be married, but to me, one comes before the other; and marriage for me comes first…having kids come second, if at all.

 

I look around and see all these women/men having kids, with no ring on their finger and just walk around like they are really married, but never actually making an official commitment. Ladies what is this telling men?? “All I have to do is get her pregnant and she’ll be happy without me having to actually marry her.” Then women are just going around calling these men their husbands, when all they really are, are their baby daddies. Have women just learned to settle for a man isn’t going to marry them? Have the desperation for women to get married, lowered women’s standards to settle on being a baby momma??

 

No disrespect, but just because you have a baby by someone, doesn’t make them your husband. Quite frankly, most women (minus the few who have challenges in that area) can lie down and give birth; it’s not a magic trick. If I wanted to have a baby right now, I could easily get pregnant and have a child of my own. But to me building a close bond with someone and building a foundation, that doesn’t involve anyone else but you two and putting in time to have a solid future, takes way more work…Having unprotected sex doesn’t. Having a relationship that that solely started and continued because you had a child with someone isn’t a bond because there was true love there, but it’s a bond that was built around a child and if that’s what your relationship was built on, it won’t last too long. A realtionship of circumstance never does…

 

Now I am not knocking people who do have kids out of wedlock, but I am knocking the people who think having a child = marriage. IT DOESN’T, like I’ve said before…when you do your taxes, you still do them alone & check the single box; you don’t check married, you don’t checked divorced…I am a firm believer in calling it what it is…I mean why “perpetrate a fraud” I can understand some women’s shame in ending up in the Baby Momma category, but that doesn’t mean you have to lie about it. I mean honestly, you knew what it was when you laid down. It always boggles me when people act surprised they got pregnant (or got someone pregnant). I mean you have unprotected sex, you weren’t on birth control…I mean what did you expect to happen?? Did you cross your fingers and hope for the best?? 

 

I respect single mothers, single mothers who keep is 100 that is. My mother didn’t marry my father. She always stayed honest about it, she didn’t walk around using his last name pretending they were married. Or go out and leagally changed her last name with out actually getting married, just so everything “looked” good on paper. My mother didn’t try and conceal us from the realities of our world. Which honestly for me, it was best; staying honest has always been something I take pride in.

 

Now going back to the question of, “When I am going to start having kids?” All the reasons I stated above are the reasons I DON’T have kids right now…Mainly because I am NOT married and I have no intentions on being someone’s baby momma. Sorry, but being a baby momma and accepting a Faux Marriage is NOT for me. I see what being one is like. I see how dating if things don’t work out with the father, and I wouldn’t want to put someone else through that. It is a very difficult situation. I vowed to myself, that when (or if) I decide to have kids, it will be with someone who I have already committed myself to and have already started to spend the rest of my life with. Right now, I prefer to stand out from the crowd, than blend in and fall into being a statistic.

 

 

So they next time you see someone and you are thinking of asking them, “When are they going to have kids,” stop and take a look at the fourth finger, left hand…If there is nothing there, chances are, that’s the reason they don’t have any kids. Even though I don’t want to be asked, “when I am getting married either,” it is the less of two evils, I guess. I am only 26; I am in NO RUSH, to have kids. Even if I were married right now, I still wouldn’t be in any rush to have kids…This is a decision of A LOT of young, unmarried women, and quite frankly we don’t like being questioned about it because last time we checked, being a single woman without any kids is a good thing, and something that is clearly becoming a rare luxury.

Hopefully after this, this will put rest to this annoying, redundant question…From now on when someone asks me this question, I am just going to give them that Madea blank stare…

Relationships & Sex

Reloaded:You Ain’t My Momma!!


Wrote this blog a while ago! But some of my feelings have changed. At the time I wrote this, I was in the situation (and still am). People say you’ll never understand until you are in the situation, and being in the situation will make you change your mind about how you feel…But honestly, a lot of the variables I mentioned in this blog are variables that I have experienced; which is why I am editing this blog so read on…

***Warning this is long, but it’s a great read!! So definitely read it when you have the time!! 

People say, the older you get. The chances of meeting someone who never had kids get slimmer. Other people say I’ve waited this long, why should I settle now. But is dating someone with kids really settling or is more of a compromise? He’s a great guy, treats you right, has a promising career and faithful…the one “downfall,” he has a child. What do you do? I am most certainly still on the fence about this.

 

I’m in my 20’s and childless. I have no one to worry about except myself…which mean it’s natural for me to be selfish, which I am well within my right to be. I don’t like coming second to anyone or anything. Let’s just say, when I go to the hair dresser, I schedule myself, for the earliest appointment possible and I arrive 15mins early, so I can be the first one in and the first one out. I don’t want anyone ahead of me. For me dating someone with kids, keeps me at 2nd, regardless of what I do.

 

People say it different kind of a relationship between a girlfriend/boyfriend and a parent/child, but bottom line…”if you ain’t first, your last” ~ Rick Bobby, Talladega Nights. LOL. And trust and believe you will NEVER come first. 

 

I feel this way for lots of reason. Remember the movie Sex in the City? Remember how the excitement of getting married no longer existed to Mr. Big because he’d been through it before? That’s how I feel about someone having kids…that initial excitement of having your first child has already been experienced with someone else. Yea having a baby is always an “exciting” experience, but there’s nothing like the first time, period. And quite frankly I don’t want to hear, “Oh when I had such and such, it went like this and went like that.” There’s always going to be comparison to that FIRST experience, which I had nothing to do with you. I don’t know about you, but I hate being compared to someone/something else.

 

Another thing that doesn’t quite sit well with me is the fact that, there’s this baby momma in the background, that’s always going to have this baby over the father’s head. Not saying all Baby Mommas are evil Bitches, but she cool now because she know her and your child together will always come before anyone, and honestly no one can threaten that at any time and some baby Mommas can be very messy, jealous, petty, immature….

I also believe that some women hold on to their feelings with a man they had a child with a little bit BECAUSE of the fact that they have a child together. Some women don’t want to be just looked at as “Baby Momma” or another statistic. Honestly some women having a baby out of wedlock makes them feel like a disappointment, like they let their parents down (shit some women get pregnant on purpose, thinking it’ll keep a man)…with all those situations, now you have to worry if the Baby Momma is going to come back and ask for a relationship again, because you know baby mommas have NO respect for the new girl. They think they forever have rights to their child’s father whether they are in a relationship with someone else or not.

 

To love someone is to love them and everything that comes with them, but damn, it hard enough being in a relationship with one person, now I got to worry about kids & baby mommas too…I mean I’m always down for a challenge, but really, has the medical world not progressed enough, for you all to get on birth control! Exhale, it’s too much. Especially when you’re in your 20’s and you’re just starting to find yourself and start looking for someone to share your life with, but only to find they are already sharing their life with someone else, whether you’re in their life or not.

 

I think the problem with a lot of people is once they have children they don’t exactly know how to integrate someone new in their lives. Also the own guilt and feel like they’ve failed as a parent b/c the relationship with the mother didn’t work out (and both parents no longer around at the same time, fulltime) gets in the way of their over happiness, and you may find yourself a victim of a mess THEY created.

Of course your kids come 1st in all I do….but you need to have other healthy relationships or you will go insane! If you are going to dedicate all of your emotional and physical self to your kids 24-7, you are going to create very self-centered, spoiled little brats. And no one wants to date someone who has bratty kids. In a few years when your children leave home and have their own lives, you will be feeling very lost…”

 

My initial advice for people who have kids is to date someone who has kids as well. They’ll probably be more understanding and more sensitive to the fact. But even, people with kids sometimes don’t want to date someone with kids. I can understand to some extent because again, it’s all about being number one, and if you have a child of your own and you date someone with kids, you and your child wouldn’t come first either. This is the ultimate selfishness, because it’s like asking someone to hold to a standard that you didn’t. To me it’s the equivalent to asking a man to have a job and car, but you don’t. Huh? Where they do that at??

 

My initial advice for people who don’t have kids…RUN in the other direction!!! Honestly…LOL for all the reasons I been giving. It is hard, a serious challenge and honestly, if your young don’t make that kind of commitment, and once you put yourself in a situation you can’t just back out, especially when feelings start getting involved.

 

Kids get older, attitudes change, yea, they all cute and shit when they little. But let’s be real, think back to when you were in middle, high school…You know what time it is! You know how you and your peers were. The,” You’re not my mother! You can’t tell me what to do! And I need attention”” tactics start kicking in.Who wants to be bothered with that in their 20’s, especially when it’s someone else’s child. Now being in your 20’s, you don’t HAVE to date someone with kids. Maybe if I was like 35+ the pickings are starting to get even slimmer, maybe even down to the bare minimum…But if you do end up in the situation in your 20’s, you have to decide if this is the kind of sacrifice you want to make? Is the person worth it?

 

You know people always ask me, well what if it were you who had a baby and trying to find a date; How would you feel if a guy said he wouldn’t date you because you had a baby? But Sorry, I don’t live my life based on what ifs; I live my life based on what is!!! And what it is, at the end of the day and as vain as it may sound I don’t have a baby. I took the precautions and made the decisions I needed so that I didn’t end up in that situation. So I don’t have to worry about it. If we lived our lives based on what ifs we would still be trying to build fire with sticks. But if I had to answer the question about a guy not wanting to date me because of the sole fact that I had a baby, my answer would be, he’s well with in his right to make that decision. People have to understand, having kids is instant baggage. It’s not a carry-on that you can just toss wherever and whenever you don’t want it.

 

Bottom line, sometimes it’s not the child; it’s the ex you had the baby with. Sometimes it’s both. Being with someone who has kids, their ex will ALWAYS be a part of your life. Yea you may miss out on a great person by not dating someone who has a child, but maybe you’ve also lucked out, and missed out on a having a bratty ass kid around, and a baby momma who secretly wants her baby father back…I’m not saying all situations are bad, but you have to weigh your options a really decide if this is the kind of commitment you want to make. Are you really ready to take that on? To me, you have to be willing and ok with not being at the top of the list. And most women are not ok with (even the ones who have kids aren’t ok with that). MMM, I’m on the fence about this for real. But like I said before, are you compromising your wants to suit other people’s situation? It may sound like your settling, but is it settling if you happy? For most dating someone with kids is a deal breaker. I know for me it used to be. BUT, I’ve found someone that makes ME happy and who I see myself being with in the long run. I have faith that mean and mines will work out. But honestly, if we happen to not work out…would I do it again…most certainly not. You can’t make that sacrifice for everyone…Just the one you Love.

 

So as you can see just because you’re in a situation, doesn’t mean you’ll change your mind about where you stand, you’ve just made an exception for a person you find exceptional…

 

Please leave your comments below, I would love some feedback…