Relationships & Sex

Is Honest Really Important?


honesty

Most people love to talk about the importance of honesty in their relationship. Bout how many people actually practice it. How many of us are truly honest with our partner?

 

To some, honest is looked at as something most people can’t handle, just lip service. It is the first thing to give way when in light of a crisis. For example, if someone gets caught cheating, is the 1st impulse to come clean and admit the wrong doing? or is it to try and soften the blow and fabricate the cheating to make it seem less than?

But at the end of the day no matter how much people think you can’t handle it or how hard it can be to hear, honesty in a relationship is valuable and we should make it our business to keep it alive, no mater how much it may hurt the other person. The longevity & strength of a relationship depends on it.

The most important reason being honest in a relationship is that it stimulate trust and integrity.

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Relationships & Sex

Signs That You Don’t Want to Be Happy…


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  • You keep becoming involved with emotionally unavailable men.
  • You keep taking on the role of being The Side Chick, The Other Woman, or whatever the kids are calling it these days. LOL
  • You go out with the Ass Hole Or the “Bad Boy” because you think they are more exciting.
  • You keep dating the same ‘type’ that makes you feel miserable and sometimes less than.
  • You meet a, “nice guy” who wants to treat you right and invest time in you and you say they are “Too Nice” or claim that it must be a front.
  • You want to be in a steady, committed relationship but keep sleeping around or being used sexually by guys, which eventually just breaks down your self esteem even more, which in return stops you from getting the relationship you may want (and deserve).
  • You get the opportunity to break up with the guy that is mistreating you, but you eventually take him back because you don’t value yourself enough and think it’s better to be with him, than starting all over.
  • You truly believe that it’s better to settle with anybody, than be alone.

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Relationships & Sex

You Really Think You’re The ONLY One That Knows The “Real” Them?


Sometimes, you find yourself in the rather vex position of feeling like you know the ‘real’ side of someone and that ‘everyone’ around them is being fooled. You see them going about their life as if everything is great (and it could actually be going great for them) and yet your head is still spinning from their treatment of you. In fact, your life may be in absolute array after your experience with them – your self-esteem may be shot and the last thing you think can do at this time is attempt to go on your life… Continue reading “You Really Think You’re The ONLY One That Knows The “Real” Them?”

Relationships & Sex

Forgiveness


Forgiveness and closure is something that many struggle with, myself included. Often it is because it feels like the other party involved “need” to be in agreement about our perception of things and to acknowledge where they went wrong. When there are unanswered questions, because they disappeared, moved on or passed away, and it feels like they just don’t get why we are so angry and hurt and unable to move on. It can feel like we’ll never get past it. What I’ve learned about forgiveness and closure recently, is that you definitely don’t need to gain agreement from the other party about your perspective on things. My own acknowledgement and validation travels a very long way. Moving on is a decision, a choice.

Forgiveness about the decision to let go. After you make the decision to forgive and let go, you have to honor it with the actions to support it. Sometimes we don’t consciously say, “I let go” and instead, we get on with the business of living, we nurture ourselves, we process our thoughts, feel all of our feelings even when they hurt, and one day realize that we feel less about something than we did before and we are in the process of letting go or have let go already. Whichever route you choose to take, the point is to stop holding it so closely. If you keep staring at something, revisiting, reliving it, if you don’t work through your feelings and gradually start to draw conclusions and learn from the insights gained, it just develops into something that drowns out perspective.

It is more important to forgive yourself. Letting go is about deciding to be “done” with something no matter how much more information or change you COULD seek. You have to ask yourself why you are devoting your life to expecting someone to change, feeling bad about the fact that they haven’t, and putting your own progress on hold in the process. You feel like, “I can’t move on until I get the answers that I need and they show remorse,” which is nothing but a declaration of a dead-end. Truth is, you CAN move on, you are just CHOOSING not to.

While it would be nice to gain agreement on how we see things, to get our feelings validated, and to get acknowledgement of where they have wronged you, not getting them doesn’t have to be the end all be all. You have got to learn to trust you own judgment.

Relationships & Sex

Ticking Clock?? Lonely & Unhappy…


There is something that I have been noticing about women and it made me question it. Why do some women walk around like there is a ticking clock on their backs? Like the, “OMG, I’m thirty and haven’t been married yet or had any kids!!!” For me, when I look around and see women who have had kids and who have been married; some are still married, some were divorced before they even hit thirty, and they still aren’t happy. Do you feel like you time is running out?? And if it does run out will your biggest regret be that you never had kids or never got married?? I mean really will that be the BIGGEST regret you have??  I am not here to invalidate anyone’s feelings. You feel what you feel. But age does not have to be an indicator of “baggage”.

Talking with my girlfriends the word lonely comes up a lot. In fact, I know people who feel just as alone when they are with a man and/or in a room full of people. If you still end up feeling lonely and filled with insecurity in spite of the fact that you have a man in your life, why do you still feel that having a man, a relationship, having casual relationships, having sex, having attention from these people, having more issues to deal with that result from being involved with these men, is the answer to your problems? Continue reading “Ticking Clock?? Lonely & Unhappy…”

Relationships & Sex

Stay or Go (Part 2 of 2)



Knowing When to Work At Your Relationship P2: Questions to Ask Yourself & Key Signs

In part one I explained how the opportunity to work at your relationship can really only exist, if you’re two people who are potentially right for each other but engaging in behaviours that are counterproductive to the success of the relationship. You both need to be coming from an honest, illusion free place otherwise your efforts will be pointless.

So where do you start? Continue reading “Stay or Go (Part 2 of 2)”

Relationships & Sex

Stay or Go? (Part 1 or 2)


Knowing when to work at a relationship can be stressful. Should you stay? Should you go? If you stay, should you just wait to see if things get better in time? Should you try to get your partner to change? Should you keep talking about the issues in the hope that it triggers understanding, remorse, resolve to change, and ensuring action? How do you know when to work at your relationship? Continue reading “Stay or Go? (Part 1 or 2)”

Relationships & Sex

Realtionship Smarts


Being relationship smart doesn’t mean every relationship is going to work out. At times you will make mistakes and errors in judgment. You may end up doing stuff that is counterproductive to your own relationship success. But when you have a level of awareness about yourself and you interactions, you adapt your behavior and learn from it rather than repeating it and hoping it’ll work out without you getting uncomfortable.

Being smart at anything means that you have to get uncomfortable.”

So what do you need to be Relationship Smart you ask? Continue reading “Realtionship Smarts”

Relationships & Sex

Limited Love?? No Options??


Are you selling yourself short in dating, relationships and in life?

It always amazes me when I see women dwelling on a past relationship; sometimes YEARS after its ended. “You’re behaving like a woman who has no options”.

We as women sometimes act as if your only option is whatever guys you were seeing at the time and believe it is more important to be in a relationship and pursue this feeling of love and validation, than it was to be in a quality relationship. When you aren’t in a relationship, it may sometimes feel like you are just passing time, thirsty to fill up the “vacancy” left by the previous guy. You craved love, strongly seek out validation.

Continue reading “Limited Love?? No Options??”

Relationships & Sex

Seeking Validation in Relationships


There are a number of issues that are recurring themes in struggling or uncertain relationships and seeking validation is one of them. Women who love emotionally unavailable men spend an incredible amount of time engaged in activities that are supposed to lead to getting the validation that they seek.

While these guys are thinking, “I’m not that bad”, the women that love them are thinking variations of “Tell me that I’m good person of value and that I’m the exception.” It seems every woman wants to be the exception.

 Guys get validation all the time that they’re not as bad as they really are, because the validation comes when they continue to get women and when each of those women accepts their behavior, because they are trying to be the exception!

We all have our values (even if we don’t use them) and they are tied to our beliefs determining what we feel is right and wrong, good and bad.

The only way I can define Seeking validation in relationships, is when you look to get confirmation that something is “true.” This cuts both ways so while you may spend a unreasonable amount of energy trying to get others to confirm that you are a person of value, loveable, a great girlfriend, the best girlfriend, the “one”, the best friend etc., you may also be someone who spends an equally amount of time confirming that negative things that you believe are actually true, creating a self-fulfilling prophecy.

We get involved with people that reflect what we believe about love, relationships, and ourselves.

So if you imagine that someone believes that relationships don’t last, that men disappear and cheat, and that there is something unlovable about her, she’ll get involved with someone who offers the least likely prospect for commitment who is likely to blow hot and cold and disappear or outright abandon her, and who will have a tendency to cheat with other women, hence making what you think to be “true”…True.

She’ll do this because her beliefs mean that she is afraid of actually going out there and committing herself because she’s afraid of it not lasting. Even if she met someone who would probably not do any of these, she wouldn’t believe them.

Despite ending up with someone that reflects her beliefs, she will look for validation by trying to get him to commit and stop disappearing, by staying with him even when he screws around on her or makes it clear that he is pursuing other interests, and by trying to get him to make her the exception to his rule of behavior and treat her with decency so that she can believe she is good enough, VALID, and lovable.

Instead, by this guy continuing his behavior, she’ll think that if she wasn’t flawed and a lovable person, she would have been able to hold onto him because good, lovable people get the guy to make them the exception, so every negative thing she already believes about herself is perpetuated.

That my friend is the self-fulfilling prophecy of seeking validation from people who are fundamentally incompatible with the concept of a healthy relationship. Stop focusing on trying to be the exception and focus on being an exceptional person and attracting an exceptional man…not an less than exceptional man and trying  to make him see how exceptional you are.

Relationships & Sex

…Serial Realtionship Cutter…


I always see people who are completely overwhelmed by rejection or repeatedly throwing themselves under the same rejection bus because they don’t want to deal with the pain of accepting someone’s choice in another person. They think they can make one or a number of rejections right by trying to get this person to validate them and unfortunately end up experiencing even more pain. These are the people who live by that rule, “fight for what you want.” But think about it, you are fighting for this person, and they are fighting for someone else. You can’t fight a battle with someone who isn’t in the same fight.

 

When you participate in unavailable relationships, it’s like you’re seeking validation in order to gain an overall retraction that would right the wrongs of the past, or if you keep going back in no matter how crappy a capacity to a poor or even non-existent relationship, you’re trying to get them to retract the rejection. Bottom line, they won’t. It’s you who needs to retract your own rejection. This type of behavior is what I like to call, a serial realtionship cutter. Even though you know it hurts, you keep doing it because you haven’t reached the goal you THINK you need to.

 

 

This retraction you’re seeking is not going to cause the doors of heavens to open or angels to even sing. No announcements will go out, no nothing. Yes you’ll know it’s there, yes you will have achieved your aim, but it’s really all for your own ego and if your purpose is to satisfy your ego, you’ll actually be better off doing it yourself. As many people can attest to, often after getting the holy grail of apologies, or telling them about themselves, or even ‘winning’ them back, it’s a major let down.

 

Many people seek retraction from an ex because we are worried about what people will think about the end of the relationship. You start wondering what he told his friends about why you broke up. Did he give the right reason? Did he say it my fault?? But people are going to think what they want to think no matter what you do, so the best thing that you can do is not give away all of your power.

Don’t use ‘rejection’ to make judgments about you. You have better things to do than crawl inside their mind. You could focus on trying to force them to change their mind, but really, if you’re that bothered, you’ve already made a judgment about yourself and it’s actually your own mind that you need to change. You don’t need to wait for them to change their mind, for you to change your mind. You managed to survive for however many years before they came along – there’s no way in hell that you shouldn’t be able to handle your own identity.

You cannot control everyone else’s minds – people like thinking about themselves!

 

Stop putting all your energy into someone who is not willing to put all their energy into you…They are unavailable. They aren’t unavailable against their will; they are unavailable to you because they want to be. Stop looking seeking validation, accept the rejection and move on. Stop seeking for someone to change their mind, if they want to change their mind, you breathing down their neck is not going to speed up the process and that’s if the process is even meant to happen. Stop re-opening the same wound over and over again. Give it time to heal and move on.

 

Relationships & Sex

Love, Honesty, Respect (Some food for thought)


Ever been a relationship, where you feel like the other person isn’t completely on your side?? I mean really think about it. That moment when they stop supporting you because you always say the things they need to hear, but don’t want to hear. I feel that a lot of people who have ties to the exes in some way whether it be children, money, marriage, or anything else that would cause them to still be in your life, they tend to always choose their feelings over yours…sometimes directly, but usually indirectly….very passive aggressive. Now know when you have ties with someone, someone usually still has feelings, BUT, if you decided to move on, then that’s what it is.

Now I am not one to purposely hurt someone’s feelings, but if I had to choose between anyone’s feelings to hurt it would have to be my past and not my present relationship. When a man or woman is not capable of respecting their current relationship b/c “fear” or hurting someone’s feelings (especially an ex) they aren’t really someone who needs to be in a relationship with anyone else. Their partner will forever feel second or not as important, which is just a recipe for disaster. People say, “Well if you’re secure in you your position why worry about an ex?” But at some point it is your partner’s job to make you a priority and make YOUR feelings a priority over someone who is from their past. No matter how confident a man or woman is, they still has some insecurities and still needs some to reassure then at times.

“…I’m someone who is looking for love. Real love. Ridiculous, inconvenient, consuming, can’t-live-without-each-other love…” ~ Carrie, Sex in the City

Love is not something you feel only when you are around that person. Respect is not something you only give when you are around you partner. Honesty is not something you only give when you are around your boy/girlfriend or when you get caught. Love is felt all day, every day. And if you don’t feel it all day, every day, then you aren’t really in love. Respect is given and shown, even if that person isn’t there to see you giving it. If you don’t respect them or their feelings when they are not around, you don’t really respect them, you actually take them for granted. Honesty is given and shown to your partner and anyone trying to come between that all the times. When you do things and know it is wrong for whatever reason, you are being dishonest, disrespectful and showing how much you don’t truly love your partner…

Being in a relationship can really suck if you never feel like your partner is on your side, or if you’re with someone who always tries to justify their “inappropriate” behavior…So step back and recognize, you deserve someone who Loves you ALL DAY… Respects you ALL DAY, and someone who is Honest with you ALL DAY..without hestitation and without explination…

 

This is just a real quick food thought…

Relationships & Sex

Starting & Maintaining a New Relationship


“The best way to love is to love like you have never been hurt.”

Since Valentine’s Day is right around the corner I figured I write something that is positive and inspirational for people looking for love, found a new love, or even those who are trying to keep a love burning strong. Even those this is geared towards new relationships, it can relate to everyone, no matter what kind of situation you are in.

Starting new romantic relationships can be tricky. If you’ve been single for a while before this relationship, it may be hard for you to incorporate another person in your life. It may be hard for to break habits from a past relationship that you were used to.  There are so many things that hold people back from having a successful relationship. I’ve had my share of failed relationships. Some of them were my fault, some of them weren’t. But what I can say after dating someone, I always take something out of that relationship and learn from it. They only way to really know what you want and don’t want, are through experiences. Of course we all want someone that is loyal, faithful, stable, etc. But how do you get to that point and further if you don’t even know how to begin to maintain a relationship.  Believe me I am no expert on relationships, but I pay attention and learn from my past relationships to help make my new relationships better. It takes time and it may take a couple of tries and couple of heartbreaks, but eventually you’ll get there. I know that I am there yet…But I know I am more than capable of getting there now than before. So I just want to share with you guys some things that I’ve learned and things that I feel can help you maintain a new relationship.

 

First things first, avoid game playing (or keep it to a minimum). I know we women love having a man run around and chase us a bit. But let’s be serious, they aren’t going to chase you forever and if they do, when you do stop running you’ll realize that you’ve should’ve kept running because now you landed yourself a passive aggressive man. Someone you can walk all over. Which when you are look to settle down, isn’t someone you want to be with. Playing cat and mouse is cute, but not for long. Stop for a minute and get to know the person. If you start playing games more than likely the relationship will become distorted due to manipulated outcomes, and it will end before it barely began.

 

Secondly, Lose the Ex. If there is an ex still around, get rid of them. ASAP. Having an ex in the background, screams baggage, you may not be over them, issues and just a plain out headache. Don’t allow tensions with the ex or in some cases a cozy friendship with an ex to be the detriment of your relationship. When you have an ex close by, it is easy for your partner to assume that you’re not over them, or they aren’t over you in some way. Most people keep exes around as place holders or just because it’s familiar (or both). But remember, Exes are exes for a reason, and there is no room for them in your new relationship. And if you ex is someone who you also had a child with…you NEED to make it known to them that you are in a relationship, and take a step back from doing those relationship like things that you were still doing even after yall broke up b/c you were single and comfortable. You need to make known not only verbally but also with change in action that you are in a relationship. If you don’t, they won’t take your relationship you are in seriously and leads them to believe they can disrespect your new partner and can possibly cause drama down the line. If you do date someone else when you have child, Understand that is now your job reassure the person you are with that there is nothing between you and them. And reinerate to your ex that you have seriously moved on from them.

Live your life. Just because you start dating a person, doesn’t mean you just roll over the next day and stop having your own life. Don’t fall into the “trap” of sacrificing your own life and neglecting your friends, family or even work, just because you met someone.  Having your own life and not instantly depending on your partner gives off good vides that you are independent and personally happy.

 

Make time for your relationship. People have a habit of going from one extreme to another. They either are too dependent or have this “You don’t own me attitude” *rolls neck, snaps fingers* and seek to carry on with their own lives as if the partner doesn’t exist. It is definitely possible to have a relationship, career, family and friends. It is called balance. As a relationship grows, you tend to increase the time you spend with you partner, and if you want it to progress, you need to let your partner in.

 

Try and stick to arrangements. If you said you were going to call, then call. Also don’t do standing up, or rolling up late all the time. This creates unnecessary tensions and creates insecurity. Be respectful of each other’s time. Just like you were busy doing something else, they could’ve been doing something else, instead of waiting you. Sticking to plans and arrangements, shows you have a healthy level of respect for each other.

 

Get to you know your partner, OUTSIDE of the bedroom. Having sex is great, but if you want a relationship to grow into something more and actually survive you need to be doing more than just laying up in the bed.  Spend time just hanging out, talking and building a SOLID connection. This also at the end of the day enhances sexual chemistry.

 

Acknowledge and confront any red flags immediately. When we start new relationships we tend to focus on it being new and fresh and everything always seems perfect in the beginning. But TRUST ME when I say that things you fight about (or eventually break up over) are often things that could’ve been easily found out in the early stages of the relationship, if you only had opened your eyes. Don’t be afraid to call them out on behavior that you are not comfortable with. A person that’s wants a future with you will respect how you feel. I have been guilty of this in the past, I get so blinded by everything else and then down the line I’m like, “Damn I wish I would’ve known he was like this from the beginning.” But you know what, they were, I just wasn’t paying attention. But now, in my current relationship I speak my mind freely. If I don’t like something, or I feel that certain behaviors is inappropriate or not to my liking, better believe I am letting it be known. Bottom line is if they don’t know you have a problem with something, they won’t know to change it. And if they aren’t willing to change it, its time you move on.

 

Remember the little things matter. It’s not just the big gestures, but complimenting each other, phone calls out of the blue just to say they miss you. Remembering that special thing they like to eat and surprising them with it, breakfast in bed. Just be thoughtful. Don’t always expect them you bring bells and whistles with everything; quite frankly no one has the time or money for all of that, ALL THE TIME.  So learn to appreciate the small things and learn to give a little yourself. Don’t just take. Give.

 

Be as nice as you really are. Don’t pretend to be nicer than you really are, I mean really just be yourself. Don’t try and go overboard doing things and saying yes to things, because you don’t want to lose the person, because you tire yourself and the real you will come out and they will feel bamboozled. Don’t be so much of a giver that you start to feel resentful and start focusing on who’s giving and taking in the relationship. BE YOURSELF!!

 

Put both feet forward! Relationships do not bloom with one foot out the door.  You’re either in or you’re out.

 

Leave the drama at the door. I have had my share of bad relationships, but what I have learned is to DO NOT bring that situation into a new relationship. Yes I did say learn from your past, but don’t bring that attitude you ended with from your last relationship into your new one. They haven’t even done anything. Don’t assume they are going to cheat on you because the last person did. If you spend most of your time being bitter, negative and cynical, there’s no point of you being in a relationship.

 

Those are just a few things I’ve come up with.

 

Thanks for reading!!

 

Follow Me: @TotalDivaRea

Relationships & Sex

Breakup 101: Part Two


Check out Part One Click Here, because I am jumping straight into Part Two, no introduction…

Recognize when you are obsessing over your ex, take a step back so that you don’t end up trapped in denial. Also do not engage in behavior that will cause you to lose your dignity and give them a chance to call you crazy or a stalker. If you’re constantly checking them out on Facebook, reaching out to their family and/or friends, logging on to their email or voicemail, spending month obsessing over the details of the relationship, it is time to step back and get some perspective. Lean on your friend or family for some support. Turn to people who DO NOT encourage your obsessive behavior. All this obsessive stuff and making it your business to be a pest to someone, is only an attempt to control them and what they do. Don’t go there. Some of it can start off really innocently, but it can easily spiral out of control without you even realizing what you are doing. You’ll think it’s you and your “love” for this person. But it is a very slippery slope for crossing into behavior that can leave you fanning the flames of embarrassment when you ex puts you back in your place. Be cautious of being spiteful because will be inadvertently legitimizing any negative perception they have of you, plus you may even legitimize their reasons for breaking up with you in the first place. I understand that you may feel angry, rejected and humiliated, but doing things out of spite isn’t the way. You’re actually creating more pain and resentment for yourself.

Do not blitz them with your love. Sometimes when you break up with someone, we tend to pull out “all the stunts.” Start doing things that you didn’t do when you were together or you O.D. on the things you did in the relationship, basically to “show them what they are missing.” The fact of the matter is this…THEY KOW WHAT THEY ARE MISSING, and they’ve made the decision that they don’t want what you have to offer. “Even if you do genuinely believe you have something to offer, they don’t have to take it and what you think they want and need, is not the same as what they think they want and need – it’s not up to you.” Women (and Men) seem to be confused when they are still rejected by their ex after they have been pursuing them aggressively, by offering up the whole “kit and caboodle.” You are pretty much diminishing your chances of ever giving them a chance to miss you, when you don’t give them a chance to breathe. By bombarding them with you attention and affection and continuously expressing your feelings, they are quickly losing respect for you; because you are not respecting their wishes. What you want, it not what they want. You can’t switch off your feelings, but you need to know when to switch ON your self-respect, for your sake.

STOP! Strop trying to get back together with some who has already rejected you more than once. The break up was the first rejection!!!If someone has rejected you once, it’s already one too many times, but when it goes beyond that it’s on you. For 1, what the fuck are you trying to achieve?? 2, what the fuck is so special about them that you would give them the option to reject you again? I am telling you STOP pursuing people that have both directly and passively rejected you. Do not force yourself or love on anyone. You shouldn’t have to convince someone of you “greatness.” The moment you let someone reject you more than once, you’re saying “You are free to reject me again! Comeback and have go whenever you’re ready! I’ll be here waiting.” When you keep pursuing someone who has broken up with you, it’s because you are trying to stem the loss of rejection and ease the sting of rejection by getting attention from them so you feel validated. The breakup could’ve easily triggered some old abandonment issues and you’ll pursue them to stop that feeling. Any attention of validation you get will be short lived, and you will have to start the process all over again. But of course you won’t heed the signs that someone isn’t interested, you won’t even start the process of the breakup BECAUSE YOU’LL BE TOO BUSY STILL PURSUING THEM!!

Don’t punish yourself for the breakup by neglecting yourself or doing things that is essentially you acting without love, and respect towards yourself. It is perfectly fine and OK to feel upset, to cry, to be angry, to spend some time letting go and immersing yourself in the after effects, but there is a LIMIT. If you get to a point when you are telling yourself that no-one wants you, you can’t survive without them, and you let the loss of this relationship dictate your view on yourself and the world, you’ve gone too far. And sometimes, we do get to that point, but you must acknowledge it when you do. Focus in nurturing yourself and take your ex off that high pedestal you’ve out them on. You should on the top of your world. Never let some define who you are, and if you feel you need someone to define who you are, then that’s a whole other situation outside of the breakup that you need to deal with yourself.

Do not wait or put your life on hold for anyone. When you break up, take it as a final and get on with your life. Seriously. I know the temptation is to hang around to make sure they don’t forget you and forget what you guys shared, but all your doing is putting your life in limbo, and they are going off and living their lives. And you’re just sitting there hoping they’ll change their mind. A lot of “dumpers” are opportunist. They’ll feed off the fact that you can’t move on and the fact that you’re waiting around. They’ll come around when they need that quick ego boost, sex, a shoulder to lean on, money and other fringe benefits they can enjoy do to you inability to move on. Which goes back to, don’t confuse yourself and recognizing communication for what it is. I have been on both sides; the dumper and dumpee. And as the dumper I have committed this act numerous of times!! If you set boundaries for yourself, it’ll create faith that there is someone better out there for you that someone who has already broken up with you. I know women and men who have mentally waited on their ex; Meaning they’ll date other people, to conceal the fact that they haven’t moved on, but without a doubt would drop the current relationship at ANY given point if their ex came back. These are called cover-ups. I’ve also known people who have physically waited for their exes. Meaning they date no one else, sleep with no one else, talk to no one else, so that they can always remain emotionally and physically available “just in case” the ex comes running back, which usually NEVER happens. They end up alone, bitter and mad at the world.

So, hopefully this has helped (or will help) some of you guys!!

Thanks for Reading!! Don’t forget to comment!!

Relationships & Sex

Breakup 101: Part One


No one enjoys a break up, even if you are the one who initiated the breakup. So I wanted to give you guys some breakup boundaries/tips that are crucial when going through a break up. I have broken it up into two sections, so that I am not bombarding you with too much at one time. So let’s jump right into it…

Do not settle for less for the sake of having just something, rather than nothing at all. When we are in pain from rejection and we have lost someone who we emotionally invested in, it is tempting to bargain with ourselves. We would rather have them on some, rather than no terms. We do this because it is a kneejerk reaction to the initial rejection and pain. We tell ourselves that because of what we feel for them, we can’t imagine them not being in our lives, in any way. So you settle for something like friendship. However, if you are both destined to be friends, it won’t be because you hung around straight after the break up, poking at each other emotions and keeping a place holder in each other lives. Distance and time give objectivity and you can ONLY be friends when you actually no longer want a relationship with them. That, and you can only be friends with someone who is actually friend worthy. (I will get more into this topic in a much later blog, so stay tuned for that).

Next, cut contact to give yourself time and space to grieve the loss of the relationship. I can say this with 110% of certainty that if they are ever going to miss you or regret the loss of you from their lives, it is sure as hell NOT going to happen with you hanging around, reminding them of your existence and seeking validation and attention!! Both parties need to respect each other’s time and do your own thing and grieve the loss of the relationship. You must have faith that if a person gives a damn about you, that friendship you think you so desperately need will be there in a few months’ time. Now I know my people with children would say, this is hard to do…but it’s not, you just have to approach it differently than people who have no strings attached. If you check out my blog “Avoiding Baby Momma/Daddy Drama,” and take a look at #2: “The conversations you have should be centered around the child.” Your vocal point after a breakup with your child’s father should be THE CHILD, you can worry about a friendship (if at all possible) at a later time. Don’t try and make a friendship happen right after a breakup, it’s unrealistic. It’s forced and phony. And are really willing to settle for a phony friendship?? If you say yes, then you furthermore prove my first point.

This should actually be number one, but when someone rejects you, register it as a red flag, step back, and do not try to change their mind. At first thought people say “I should fight for my relationship.” This has been something I felt strongly about before. Until I realized that from the moment someone utters the words that they want to break up, you pushing to keep something that they don’t want is like you negotiating you way back into their affections and their life. They have clearly said to you, that they no longer want you or the relationship enough to keep trying. No matter what the reasons are for the breakup, you’ll succeed at nothing with getting on your hands and knees and begging them to stay. I know we tend to feel like we’ve invested so much time and effort in the other person, but here’s the problem: they’ve already given up and thrown it away. Speaking from personal experience, you will not feel good or confident about the stability of the relationship, length of the relationship, if you have to pitch yourself and the relationship to a person like a used car salesman. This is where you need to have some pride. Respect their decision in the first instance, because it you try to persuade them out of their decision you remove you dignity. You don’t know better. You and they are not the same person. In some cases the other person may say, hey, “You didn’t fight for me to stay.” At that point you must realize they are playing a game. Only people who break up with you to watch you jump through hoops to try and persuade them otherwise is playing games; someone you don’t need to be with any way.

Recognize communication for what it is and not amplify it into them actually missing you and wanting to get back together. When someone misses you and has seriously thought about the loss of the relationship they will not send stupid text messages and emails. Someone who genuinely misses you will not only call you and arrange to meet to talk, they will be straight forward and make constructive suggestions as to how to get back together and progress the relationship. Someone sending messages saying, “Good Luck on the football game.” Or “How are you?” or “Thinking about you.” Or “How’s the love life?” (all real messages that I’ve either received [or have sent…LOL, yes I am guilty of this too.]) is just a lazy wayto hunt for an ego stroke, I way to still make themselves “relevant” in your life. This brings me to…

Don’t confuse yourself and do something that you will later regret. DO NOT sleep with your ex. If you do, accept the responsibility for the consequences. Sex with someone who you are accustomed to is comforting and great. Sex with some who is familiar and that you still feel something for but who has broken up with you, will feel great at that moment, but often filled with expectations, which usually lead to disappointment. Just because you start having sex with your ex again doesn’t mean you are getting back together…getting back together does not solely rely on getting laid, hence if you were actually getting back together you’d damn sure know it before you had sex. They may miss you, but they sure don’t miss you that much. If you are the type of person to have sex with expectation, it is not wise you treat it in a casual fashion, don’t have sex with you ex. While you may feel validated for the short term pleasure, it may have long lasing consequences that now set you back. Understand that you cannot sex your way back into a relationship. If sex was what held your relationship together, it was fragile anyway, plus you wouldn’t have broken up.

Part Two

Relationships & Sex

Avoiding Baby Momma/Daddy Drama: Tips for the BM and tips for the New Girlfriend


Definition: A Baby’s Mama is a woman who has a kid(s) for the guy she had intimate relations with. For one reason or another, realtionship didn’t last and she has been demoted from “girlfriend/wife” to “Baby Mama”. This demotion doesn’t sit well with her and she tries to keep other women away from her man by using scare tactics on them in the hope that once they are gone, he will want her back.

Dating someone with kids is probably on of the hardest things for  a female to do. And not the most ideal. Not saying men who have dated  or are dating a woman with kids don’t have a hard time but I am not a man, so I can only speak as a woman. I’ve come with a few Tips to help you decide and/or maintain a relationship with a man who has a  child and to avoid that “Baby Momma/Daddy Drama.By NO means am I a expert…I can only speak from observation, research & experience.

I am not perfect, and I can’t say I follow ALL of this BUT, they are crucial if you want to build on your relationship with your new man, maintain a realtionship with someone you’ve been with for a while, or if your thinking about starting a realtionship with a man who has a child. It may take time to get some of this under your belt. And believe me , it will NOT be easy; but it is working progress…

Now I didn’t forget about the Mothers!! Yall aren’t perfect. I gave you guys some Tips at the end as well, to avoid Drama as well!

But, let start of with my ladies who are dating man with a child:

  1. You must feel confident that your boyfriend is over his ex. If he’s always doing something for her like fixing tires, taking her to work, bringing her dinner, taking care of her when is she sick…Chances are, he’s not over her. Those things are NOT his responsibility. While he is doing all of that for her, where are you in the equation? On the back burner.
  2. If he talks negative or degrades the mother of his child, that may be a red flag…many men do this because they you want to feel comfortable or to impress you. Others do this to conceal their true feeling about the ex.
  3. A man who loves you and is IN love with you wants you to feel comfortable with his contact with his child’s mother. He won’t walk out of the room to speak to her. He doesn’t have to leave you home every time he goes to her house. You will be included on outings. Not every time, but he will invite you and include you into his child’s life.
  4. Be confident and reasonable. Don’t get mad when he gets on the phone with her. Since there is a child involved there will be conversations. You don’t have to insist every time he goes and picks up child, he will invite you or offer. If he never does,that’s another Red Flag
  5. Never degrade or belittle the ex, especially around the child.
  6. Good Communication is key. He must make you feel comfortable for you to be able to come and talk to him about your feelings and/or when you are feeling insecure. Because there WILL be times when you feel insecure. TRUST ME!
  7. If a man is in love with you, he does not want you to feel uncomfortable. A man who is in love with you will look at situations from YOUR Point of View. If he’s doesn’t, RED FLAG!!
  8. Let him handle the situation if you feel you are feeling uncomfortable or if you feel like you are being disrespected. Unless she brings the situation directly to you, do not engage. She doesn’t need to know how you feel or what you feel about their situation, she’ll just use it for ammo later.
  9. Pay attention to how he handles things. How he confronts situations. If he confronts her by throwing YOU under the bus, he probably doesn’t really respect how you feel. And what I mean by throwing you under the bus, I mean, let’s say you have a problem with him spending so much time over at her house…if the way he confronts her goes, “My girlfriend has a problem with me being here all the time so I am going to stop coming over so much.” That is throwing you under the bus.  He could’ve just simply stopped going over there so much, without discussing it with her, or if he did discuss it he could’ve just said, “you know, it inappropriate for me to be over here all the time now that I am in a committed relationship with someone.”
  10. LASTLY, You must be willing to walk away from the entire situation if you feel like you are constantly being disrespected or if you feel like you have not been being included. Some men avoid expressing how he feels about his new girlfriend to his child’s mother because they are scared of the reaction or already know they will not take well to it, but at the end of the day, sometimes, they just need to hear it. And if you man is IN love with you, he will have NO problem stating his position. RememberA man that is in love with you will raise to YOUR level of expectations.

Those are just some quick tips/practices for you ladies who are thinking about dating someone who has a child, or who may already be dating someone with a child.

Now for the ladies you have children by these men I came up with a few tips/practices for you guys as well. As new relationships develop after a child, everyone involved needs have a level of respect for ALL parties; the mothers, the fathers, the new girlfriend/boyfriend and the child. No one person deserves more respect than the other. You have to look at every situation as a possibility of a blended family being started. Even though it is not your job to make the new girlfriend feel comfortable, it also not beneficial when you treat them with disrespect. You make yourself look bad, jealous and bitter. And some women don’t mind looking like that, But for women who have respect for themselves and their child’s father, understand. So here a few tips/practices you ladies WITH children:

  1. Don’t argue. “You said you were going to buy three outfits, and you only bought two!” Gentle answers turns away wrath. If you see an argument progressing, step back and return when to the discussion when things have settled. People say arguing means you care, but in reality, arguing means no one is listening.
  2. Stop being jealous and bitter. The conversations you have should be centered around the child. Not, who is he with? Who’s he going to be with? Why he was with this person? Your jealously is just fueling his dislike for you. It is not longer your place to question his where abouts. 
  3. Don’t OVER expect anything from him. “A man is known by the fruit he bears.” Do you expect a peach tree to someday bear orange fruit?
  4.  Don’t be spiteful. He has a new girlfriend and now you don’t want your child around him? Come On, Really?? And if you’re just spiteful for no reason at all, Get over it!
  5. Don’t nag. The sound of a woman nagging is like the sound of dripping rain. Imagine how annoying that is. 
  6. Don’t make money the vocal point of the discussion. You’ll come off like a gold digger. Talking about money the wrong way can get under anyone’s skin. Stop depending on him to take care of YOU. His job is to take care of HIS CHILD! Stop it! Your a grown ass woman. He may be the father of your child, but unfortunately, he his not the man of YOUR house. 
  7.  Respect yourself! If you’re still sleeping with him, STOP. If you spending your part of your day thinking about how you’re going to break up/come between his new relationship, so he can go back to catering to you, STOP. You’re only making YOURSELF miserable.
  8. Respect him as a father. Let him know if you’re taking his child out of the state/country. Don’t ever manipulate his child or bad mouth him to your child.
  9. Respect him as man. Do not patronize him. Don’t attempt to emasculate him. Don’t bash him (to your child, family members or anyone else). When you try to make him look bad, you look bad.
  10. Stop using your child as a way to hold on to him. “If a man wants you, nothing can keep him away. If he doesn’t, NOTHING can make him stay. The sooner you get over it and move on and let go, the sooner you’ll be able to open yourself up to receive a better man.

*Disclaimer: Please do not get offended, because I do not kids…these are tips that were consolidate from just myself, but women that I know personally you have kids by a man that they are no longer in a relationship with. This is also things that I have learned as I do date a man with a child.

If you guys have anymore tips of opinions, please put them below!!

Don’t forget to follow me one twitter: @TotalDivaRea, also like me on Facebook (link is to the left)

 

Thanks for reading!!

Relationships & Sex

Rebuilding that thing called…


“It takes years to build up trust, and just seconds to destroy it.”– Unknown.

 

I am not the best person when it comes to forgiving someone after they’ve betrayed and lied to me and I tend to make that very clear before I start any relationship.

 

For most people, trust is one of the hardest things to get back. After someone lies to you or betrays you, their words become harder to believe. At this point in your relationship, you have to decide, is this relationship worth saving?

 

A lot of couples can recover from lies and build a stronger and closer relationship. Several factors influence how successful couples will be at saving a relationship: the tone and quality of the relationship prior to the disloyal action, the commitment of BOTH partners to make the relationship work and effective communication skills are critical to the recovery process.

First ask yourself this, is your relationship worth saving? A lot of people bail out on relationships at the first sign of trouble. We all have to understand NO relationship is perfect. And it takes continuous work. People WILL mess up…but it is up to decide if the lie, infidelity or whatever is worth losing your partner over. Please understand, once you make you decision stick to it. Some people have a tendency of walking away and then wanting that person back and SOMETIMES it IS too late at that point. They may have already moved on and met someone else or their feelings just aren’t there for you in that way anymore.

 

If you have trouble answering that question, make a list…pro and cons. Sometimes you need to see it on paper to really see where you stand with a person. Think of all the people you would want to spend the day with, is this person one of them?? Do you have the same morals & goals? Do you express a lot of affection towards each other, or is there a lot off negativity? Do you feel comfortable sharing your innermost thoughts with your partner?? How easy is it for you to talk to your partner?

 

These are just some questions you can ask yourself to get your mind going on if your relationship is worth saving.

 

If you decide your relationship is not worth saving, then let go and move on with your life and there is no need to read any further. But if you say, yes my relationship is worth saving, you will go through some stages. The trauma of the discovery, the assessment of how both partners want to go about resolving the problem, and finally repairing and restoring the trust.

 

I know when I’ve lost trust in a person I am with the first thing I think about is, How could you do this? I always wonder, how could you be happy in a relationship if you can lie to me? How can you say you love me and lie to me?

 

Romantic relationships are built on positive, romantic illusions. A romantic attachment is a deep emotional bond to another individual. The attachments we form are designed to keep people together. Discovery of a lie shatters those illusions. It creates a lot of uncertainty and raises questions, like the ones above.

 

Once you start asking these questions you can find yourself consumed with anger, and obsessive thoughts, dwelling on the incident. The best way to deal with these feelings is just to discuss your feelings in a non-judgmental environment, where someone will simply listen…Don’t look for advice, just vent. At this point advice is useless…you are way too emotionally agitated to even think clearly and digest advice. Sharing your feelings with someone who cares, your feelings will become less intense.

 

After the initial shock has died down (which will not happen overnight), it helps to make some assessments of how you and your partner want to resolve the problem. To save a relationship after the loss of trust requires two people working towards the same goal. A commitment to the relationship works best when it is based on mutual desire. Forcing your partner to make a commitment to the relationship doesn’t carry the same weight as a commitment which has been give freely.

 

After both parties have decided to move forward and save their relationship the next stage is the MOST difficult.

  

People often lack insight into their own behavior and if they do understand why they lied or cheated, they often do not want to admit this information with their partner, thinking that if they do it would cause more problems, which is a common misconception. The truth is if the real issues are not identified they are less likely to get resolved. By approaching a problem as a couple it can entrust the person who has been lied to, by providing them with a sense of control. Working together can bring back a sense of confidence and security, which is crucial when trying to rebuild trust.

 

In addition to identifying the vital motivation of the lie, it is essential to frankly discuss the details of what happened. Again DO NOT try and conceal details, it often leads to lingering questions, which if not addressed, they are unlikely to go away…and if questions are lingering, it is impossible for your partner to not dwell on the incident. Telling the truth can be painful, but is necessary when trying to move forward.

 

Doing these two things (identifying the motivation factors of the lie and the discussing of the details) are the MOST difficult for most couples to manage. They require loss of insight and communication skills. If not handled productively, it can lead to further problems, resentment and frustration.

 

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Relationships & Sex

Fingers Crossed…


 

Why do boyfriends, girlfriends, husbands and wives lie to each other?

It is unpleasant to think about being betrayed by someone you love. No one likes to think that a significant other may be lying, especially not in their own relationship. And it’s probably safe to assume that everyone wants a close, romantic relationship that is built on openness, intimacy and trust. But despite our best intentions, our close relationships do not always work that way. Often, our romantic relationships involve some secrecy and deception. So my question is… why do people lie to those they love?

It took me sometime to understand this, because I feel that I am honest about a lot of things, some might say I am TOO honest, which again I didn’t understand. But after some research…I’ve come to the conclusion that we do all lie, some more than others, but we all do it.

 

I asked a few people, what things they lie to their partners about?  One example my coworker Christine gave me was, Her and her fiance are saving for their wedding, But when she goes shopping , comes home with her bags and he asks her how much she spent, She goes, “not that much everything was on sale” Even though none of it was really on sale. Even my mom does this; to this day my mom sneaks her shopping bags in the house when my stepfather isn’t home and the acts likes she’s had things for years when he asks her about something he’s never seen…another one of my other co works say she laughs at all her husband’s jokes, even when they aren’t funny, So there is a state where lying is “OK.” But understanding the balance on what to lie about and what not to lie about is where a lot of couples have problems.

Love tends to not work out the exact way we plan, which is sometimes where the excitement of Love lies. We tend to hold on to the fairy tales about how love should be, but to be honest…It’s not. Not saying it is wrong to expect and receive the best, but you have to understand and learn, that getting to the best isn’t always easy. Love is not enough to make a relationship last… Even though romantic relationships are viewed as the source of “much happiness, love, and understanding,” as it turns out, our closest relationships are actually the source of our most painful emotional experiences.

Close relationships are built on a mutual dependence, in other words, your actions impact your partner and vice versa. As interdependence increases, telling the trust becomes more essential. To have successful outcome, in your relationship, couples need to know and understand each other. On the other hand as interdependence increases, people also are no longer free to do what they want, when they want, with whom they want. So as we get closer to someone, telling the truth becomes more important but it also starts posing more risk.

Telling the truth is easy to do when interdependence is low, and you basically have nothing to lose. For example, those time where you are sitting on a plane or standing on a line pouring your heart out to a complete stranger. Telling the truth in such situations does not matter – there is no real consequence for doing so (nor is there any real benefit).

When interdependence is high, however, telling the truth is important. Telling the truth allows people to coordinate their actions, create intimacy and closeness. But, interdependence also makes deception more likely. Because partners expect and demand a lot from us, telling the truth carries more risk. Telling the truth in a close relationship can lead to increased conflict, negativity and it can restrain your goals.

As it stands, both telling the truth and deception are needed to make a relationship work. Intimacy requires honesty, but complete honesty tears couples apart; finding the right balance, can be difficult for many couples to do.

What’s your little white lie??

Relationships & Sex

CAUSE I DON’T WANT EM!!


So I wanted to post this last week, but I got so tied up with Life…LOL…

There is one question that I always get asked that bothers me to the core…It seems the older I get the more frequent I get asked this question. It’s one of the most annoying questions I get asked these days…“WHEN ARE YOU GOING TO START HAVING KIDS??” 

Umm, did I miss something…last time I checked being single, unmarried and with child is something that I generally frowned upon…Did I miss the Join the Baby Momma train and don’t worry about getting married memo??

 

I am sorry but there is so much more to life than just being a mother and a wife. There’s building a career, traveling, just enjoying life, with no strings attached. Not saying I don’t want to have kids or want to be married, but to me, one comes before the other; and marriage for me comes first…having kids come second, if at all.

 

I look around and see all these women/men having kids, with no ring on their finger and just walk around like they are really married, but never actually making an official commitment. Ladies what is this telling men?? “All I have to do is get her pregnant and she’ll be happy without me having to actually marry her.” Then women are just going around calling these men their husbands, when all they really are, are their baby daddies. Have women just learned to settle for a man isn’t going to marry them? Have the desperation for women to get married, lowered women’s standards to settle on being a baby momma??

 

No disrespect, but just because you have a baby by someone, doesn’t make them your husband. Quite frankly, most women (minus the few who have challenges in that area) can lie down and give birth; it’s not a magic trick. If I wanted to have a baby right now, I could easily get pregnant and have a child of my own. But to me building a close bond with someone and building a foundation, that doesn’t involve anyone else but you two and putting in time to have a solid future, takes way more work…Having unprotected sex doesn’t. Having a relationship that that solely started and continued because you had a child with someone isn’t a bond because there was true love there, but it’s a bond that was built around a child and if that’s what your relationship was built on, it won’t last too long. A realtionship of circumstance never does…

 

Now I am not knocking people who do have kids out of wedlock, but I am knocking the people who think having a child = marriage. IT DOESN’T, like I’ve said before…when you do your taxes, you still do them alone & check the single box; you don’t check married, you don’t checked divorced…I am a firm believer in calling it what it is…I mean why “perpetrate a fraud” I can understand some women’s shame in ending up in the Baby Momma category, but that doesn’t mean you have to lie about it. I mean honestly, you knew what it was when you laid down. It always boggles me when people act surprised they got pregnant (or got someone pregnant). I mean you have unprotected sex, you weren’t on birth control…I mean what did you expect to happen?? Did you cross your fingers and hope for the best?? 

 

I respect single mothers, single mothers who keep is 100 that is. My mother didn’t marry my father. She always stayed honest about it, she didn’t walk around using his last name pretending they were married. Or go out and leagally changed her last name with out actually getting married, just so everything “looked” good on paper. My mother didn’t try and conceal us from the realities of our world. Which honestly for me, it was best; staying honest has always been something I take pride in.

 

Now going back to the question of, “When I am going to start having kids?” All the reasons I stated above are the reasons I DON’T have kids right now…Mainly because I am NOT married and I have no intentions on being someone’s baby momma. Sorry, but being a baby momma and accepting a Faux Marriage is NOT for me. I see what being one is like. I see how dating if things don’t work out with the father, and I wouldn’t want to put someone else through that. It is a very difficult situation. I vowed to myself, that when (or if) I decide to have kids, it will be with someone who I have already committed myself to and have already started to spend the rest of my life with. Right now, I prefer to stand out from the crowd, than blend in and fall into being a statistic.

 

 

So they next time you see someone and you are thinking of asking them, “When are they going to have kids,” stop and take a look at the fourth finger, left hand…If there is nothing there, chances are, that’s the reason they don’t have any kids. Even though I don’t want to be asked, “when I am getting married either,” it is the less of two evils, I guess. I am only 26; I am in NO RUSH, to have kids. Even if I were married right now, I still wouldn’t be in any rush to have kids…This is a decision of A LOT of young, unmarried women, and quite frankly we don’t like being questioned about it because last time we checked, being a single woman without any kids is a good thing, and something that is clearly becoming a rare luxury.

Hopefully after this, this will put rest to this annoying, redundant question…From now on when someone asks me this question, I am just going to give them that Madea blank stare…

Relationships & Sex

The Cheating Curve…


“…Someone’s definition of what constitutes cheating is in direct proportion to how much they themselves want to cheat.” ~ Carrie, Sex and the City (Season 2, episode 6)


Being in a relationship is hard work. It takes dedication and commitment. Now, if you aren’t willing to be dedicated and committed, my advice to you is don’t get in a relationship. Now I know cheating happens. The act of cheating exists just as much as the act of getting caught. My question is what constitutes cheating? This varies between people. What is considered cheating for me may not be for the same thing for the next person.

I consider cheating anything that you wouldn’t want done to you. Is kissing cheating? YES! Is dirty dancing cheating? Yes! Is professing your love to another person cheating?? YES! Is writing love letter to another person cheating?? Yes! I can go on and on. Now some people may disagree with me (and mostly likely it’ll be men). But let’s think about it, I am sorry but if I saw my man bumping and grinding on some other girl that would irk me! Now men sit back and think a minute; if you saw your girl backing it up and grinding on another man, you can’t say that wouldn’t bother you. No matter how “secure” you may be in a relationship. At the end of the day, just because you are “secure” in your relationship it doesn’t give you (or your partner) do whatever you (or they) want. There has to be some level of respect, A HIGH level of respect.

I also consider cheating anything you wouldn’t do or say in front of your significant other. If you are purposely not saying or doing things in front of them, that means you know it’s wrong. Would you call another person Babe or Honey in front of your partner? Would you kiss another person in front of your partner? If you have to sneak around, change passwords, hide things…It’s cheating and the person who’s doing these things knows they are being deceitful. Others believe, cheating isn’t cheating, unless you get caught…

Some in relationships are bending the rules, but whose rules are you following?? Every has their own rules when it comes to their own relationships, but you have you find someone whose rules are the same as your…But personally, I feel like people have found ways to disguise cheating by calling it something else, But whatever you decide to do in a relationship and whatever “cheating curve” you decide to have in your relationship (or NOT have), make sure it is something that is agreed upon before making anything official. But honestly, when it comes to love you can only bend the rules but so far.