Relationships & Sex

I Broke ME by Believing in Something that wasn’t real…

So I’ve posted some pics on Instagram they other day and I felt the need to give some explanation about the theme and why I took the pictures, especially since they are private now…So No, you can’t go there anymore and see them…BUT I will post a few of them them here on my blog in a few days, but first some back story. In honor of Mental Health Awareness, I guess take this post as a “Journal Entry.” Because it is something that has been weighting heavy on me.

So for the past few months I’ve been feeling down, I don’t want to use the word depressed, but that may be the feeling. I’ve been Feeling like I was not enough and/or what I am looking for in a relationship is unattainable. No one is to blame for my feelings, except for myself. Yes every time you have an encounter with a “love interest” you visualize what your life could look like with that person…that is normal (at least I think it is…it’s normal for me). Sometimes you visualize and you don’t see it fitting in your life the way you want, and sometimes you see it fitting perfectly. I’ve experienced both side of this over the past 9 months (but I’ll explain the “not fitting” at another time)

So obviously I am not going to get in to detail with names or anything. But I will give a specific scenario:

I met this guy back in July 2020. Literally we hit it off after the 1st date, honestly after our 1st few conversations before meeting. I felt like we were on the same page about dating with a purpose. He was weird, funny, awkward, just seemed amazing. I felt myself really liking him…now from my experience…the more you show a man you like them, the less he’s attracted to you. Now my showing someone I like them isn’t like “effort” so to speak, it’s just something natural that takes place. So I brought this up to him, I probably didn’t explain it best…but that was the point I was trying to make, I said something along the lines, of “I don’t want to get too attached to fast, so it may feel like i’m pushing you away b/c I know how it is when a I show too much interest.” NOW DON”T GET ME WRONG, probably saying this to him was a bad IDEA, and I regretted it as soon as it left my mouth…nonetheless, he got highly offended and instantly got mad, and said “Is this why you are single” and “you call this dating with a purpose” Honestly, looking back, his reaction should have been a red flag for me…However, we decided to move forward with getting to know each other.

Long story short…the more interest I showed, the less interested he seemed. I don’t mean in a chasing way…it was more like I’m naturally thoughtful, Like if I FW you, I FW you. Which in hindsight…probably wasn’t the best way to be….I guess. I mean he literally would point out if I answered my phone too fast, or text back too fast…I can’t win…Men like to chase, but then I meet guys who get annoyed it I take to long to respond…So whether I do one or the other…I end up getting the shit end…Nonetheless we did talk everyday for HOURS (I mean 5-10+ hours straight a day). Weekends, not AS long, but definitely everyday…

Now there were things that happened in between, on his side from family things; deaths, diagnosis, etc. Alot was/is going on for him so I was understanding to that, but I also realized after a few incidents that the level of communication of being able for ME to express myself to that person was no there. I felt like If I said anything that was remotely not positive, it got shut down as if I were trying to start an argument…so I was kind of walking on eggshells…When I did ask him like what are we doing her said, “he’s not really ready for a relationship right, right now….Blah Blah Blah…Then he would say things, that maybe he was indirectly trying to tell me something, like he would say things like, “The woman I want, doesn’t want me right now.” Not talking about a specific woman but in a general sense of him not being ready for a relationship….which was odd in a way b/c when we met his outlook was on the lines of “I’m looking for a wife.” I felt like his tone about relationships changed all together, like he didn’t even believe in relationships anymore, almost like he didn’t even believe in love at all…It almost felt like he became pessimistic about idea of relationships all together.

I could say that his change of heart is a direct result of what he was going through with his family…b/c I’m not going to lie…It was ALOT of deaths…I think 3 (or 4) in a spam of 6/7 months since I knew him, plus a CLOSE family member being diagnosed with Cancer…So he definitely had a lot going on from when I met him…But as most people would say…the “with you is silent” Maybe he didn’t want those things with me.

I guess apart of me was thinking & maybe even convinced myself well I know it’s not sexual b/c we haven’t been intimate (except kind of this one time a few months in…and when I say KINDA, I mean KINDA for real), and we talk pretty all day everyday, how would he have time to talk to someone else, but anything possible right. Maybe he liked me as a friend, but was afraid to say just that. Whatever the case is, he didn’t want a relationship with me (either at that time, or at all).

At the end of the day, I just remember the final minor incident, I can’t even call it an argument, b/c I wasn’t upset, but he seemed to be, and I honestly don’t know why. Even though he said he was not, but after that day he pretty much stop calling me and reaching and I haven’t heard from him since…SO, I guess you can say he ghosted me. After a few weeks of feeling like WOW! After all the time we’ve spent talking, for hours you couldn’t even give me the decency to say, “hey, I need to take a step away from you.” I’ve realized after a couple of months, that he actually didn’t respect. He didn’t respect me as a woman, he didn’t value me, he didn’t take me serious, he didn’t actually care me, he didn’t care about how I feel.

After that I really stared questioning myself…my worth…what I actually deserved….Which I HATE!!!! Now don’t get me wrong I am not perfect, there were probably somethings he didn’t like about me or maybe didn’t like how I did somethings, but I wouldn’t know b/c he never told me…So I really can only go on assumptions honestly. I can’t force someone to open up and communicate, especially with someone who thinks anything you say that is not positive is trying to start an argument.

I am not saying I am giving up on Love, but I honestly think about how dating is now and how men and women think now, it totally different from who I am. And unfortunately I am not interested in exchanging more of my personal business (nor creating a soul tie) with another man just for it to end up in his conversation with another women he’ll meet after me….

SOOOO as you can see, I was pretty down about this particular situation…cause if I’m honest, I thought he could be the one…I’ve literally put up a wall again…SO I’m literally was back in a headspace I didn’t plan on being in again…Disappointed…and Like Time Wasted…I never wanted to have that feeling again after ending a 8.5 year relationship. I am not blaming him at all, because I allowed my time to be wasted, which in turn made me disappointed in MYSELF…I know better, I’ve actually manage to stay single for this amount of time, b/c I didn’t allow people to waste my time…but I had let my guard down for this one, made him an exception…not cause he asked me to, but I honestly thought he was worth it….SO here I am after that experience and I left me feeling I guess feeling DUMB AS FUK, being loyal to niggas who at the end of the day see you either as disposable and/or a soft ass/push over.

To bring it home, those photos IDK just made me feel confident and just reminded me why I started this. I Love the woman I’ve grown into over the past 10 years…I know I am a lot stronger in many ways (and recognize I am still weak in others). There’s always going to be some tweaks to be made but I know I don’t JUST bring a pretty face & sex to the table, Even though apparently dudes don’t care about that…but then all the ones I’ve met always saying otherwise. So who really knows…

Shout to my Bestie for talking me into doing this, because it definitely made me feel better. I am calling my “Self Love Photoshoot” Even if it made me feel special just for the day…I will post a couple of the pictures this Friday.

Let me know if you guys liked this post I want more “Open Journal’ type post! I think it would be fun to do every once in a while!

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