Sometimes, you find yourself in the rather vex position of feeling like you know the ‘real’ side of someone and that ‘everyone’ around them is being fooled. You see them going about their life as if everything is great (and it could actually be going great for them) and yet your head is still spinning from their treatment of you. In fact, your life may be in absolute array after your experience with them – your self-esteem may be shot and the last thing you think can do at this time is attempt to go on your life…
Particularly if you work together, have children together and/or move within the same social circles. You might overhear someone praising them or have to be in the same room while friends are laughing at their jokes, and you want to scream. You might even want to blurt out a list of everything you know. Maybe you see them around with their new girlfriend/boyfriend without a care in the world. They see them all loved up from what you hear, or maybe you know because you’ve been reading their declarations on Facebook and going through their photos and poking through their mutual friends, or even going as far as asking them about their new relationship yourself.
“How can they be so happy? I’m practically dying here being alone and they are just smitten! Is it me? Did something about me bring out a dark side in them?” The likelihood is that you’ll experience doubt and blame yourself –Why would they treat me this way but not others? Is it something I said? Is it something I did? How the hell can they not see who they really are?
And of course you know that it’s not your imagination, that you’re not going crazy and that you haven’t ‘made’ them treat you badly, so as you try to recover from the experience, you may be boiling with anger or like a pressure cooker full of suppressed anger, consumed with this idea that they’re getting away with it and that no one knows who they really are. But is this really true?
You see the thing is, unless they fell out of the sky into 2012 (or whenever you meant them) with no previous history and a ‘clean bill of health’, you are not the only person who knows who they are. YOU’RE NOT. Not everything is about you.
When you convince yourself that you’re the only person that knows the real them, you’re actually still making out like you’re the exception to the rule, and you’re carrying on as if to say that not only did your relationship with them exist in a bubble, but something about you and your relationship makes their character and behavior specific to you – this is inverted ego issues. I know it’s nice to think you are that special and your relationship and ‘connection’ was out of this world, but the only reason why you’d want to convince yourself that you’re the only person that knows the real them, is to actually remain stuck on it being about something being wrong with you.
Of course, what you fail to realize is that you’re giving yourself a hard time about, for example, experiencing an open and shut case of a fucked up relationship and feeling bad about knowing the ‘real them’, and hoping you get the ‘fake them’ back, or convincing yourself that the ‘real them’ is actually the ‘fake them’, and that your flaws brought it out, and hoping to get back the ‘real fake them’. Sounds exhausting don’t it?
If you don’t know what’s real or what’s fake, or you feel like you’re the only one that knows the ‘real them’ which has opened you up to being abused or taken advantage of, you don’t need to play Colombo or try to be their friend or attempt to win them ‘back’; you just need to get out. Fast.
Somebody somewhere knows (possibly a few ‘somebody’s’ who may even be in their harem or blaming themselves like you)…you just don’t know it, probably because your perspective is based on you focusing on your experience, your sense of rejection, and your perception.
You ever hear about a breakup or divorce and say “But they seemed so great together!” or “I can’t believe it!” or “Man, if those two can break up, it doesn’t leave much hope for the rest of us!”? If you’re saying stuff like this, it’s because you don’t know them or their relationship as well as you think.
Someone’s work persona may be very different to their relationship persona or even to their social or family persona. You see different sides to people in different situations plus there are some who are very good at ‘presenting’ a persona that helps them win and keep friends, influence people, and keep their insecurities and even shady shenanigans behind closed doors.
Let’s be real: there are thousands of men and women who have been in relationships that they claim others wouldn’t associate them with and would actually greatly contradict the perception that’s held of them. There are a lot of people whose relationships don’t reflect values they claim or appear to have.
You can go from here to eternity worrying about whether ‘everyone’ is in on your reality – what’s the point? It’s like trying to control the uncontrollable. Why do you need them on ‘your side’? Get on your own side! You don’t need social proof, nor do you need to have witness statements to corroborate your findings – it is only you that needs to judge your experience and take action.