Relationships & Sex

Avoiding Baby Momma/Daddy Drama: Tips for the BM and tips for the New Girlfriend


Definition: A Baby’s Mama is a woman who has a kid(s) for the guy she had intimate relations with. For one reason or another, realtionship didn’t last and she has been demoted from “girlfriend/wife” to “Baby Mama”. This demotion doesn’t sit well with her and she tries to keep other women away from her man by using scare tactics on them in the hope that once they are gone, he will want her back.

Dating someone with kids is probably on of the hardest things for  a female to do. And not the most ideal. Not saying men who have dated  or are dating a woman with kids don’t have a hard time but I am not a man, so I can only speak as a woman. I’ve come with a few Tips to help you decide and/or maintain a relationship with a man who has a  child and to avoid that “Baby Momma/Daddy Drama.By NO means am I a expert…I can only speak from observation, research & experience.

I am not perfect, and I can’t say I follow ALL of this BUT, they are crucial if you want to build on your relationship with your new man, maintain a realtionship with someone you’ve been with for a while, or if your thinking about starting a realtionship with a man who has a child. It may take time to get some of this under your belt. And believe me , it will NOT be easy; but it is working progress…

Now I didn’t forget about the Mothers!! Yall aren’t perfect. I gave you guys some Tips at the end as well, to avoid Drama as well!

But, let start of with my ladies who are dating man with a child:

  1. You must feel confident that your boyfriend is over his ex. If he’s always doing something for her like fixing tires, taking her to work, bringing her dinner, taking care of her when is she sick…Chances are, he’s not over her. Those things are NOT his responsibility. While he is doing all of that for her, where are you in the equation? On the back burner.
  2. If he talks negative or degrades the mother of his child, that may be a red flag…many men do this because they you want to feel comfortable or to impress you. Others do this to conceal their true feeling about the ex.
  3. A man who loves you and is IN love with you wants you to feel comfortable with his contact with his child’s mother. He won’t walk out of the room to speak to her. He doesn’t have to leave you home every time he goes to her house. You will be included on outings. Not every time, but he will invite you and include you into his child’s life.
  4. Be confident and reasonable. Don’t get mad when he gets on the phone with her. Since there is a child involved there will be conversations. You don’t have to insist every time he goes and picks up child, he will invite you or offer. If he never does,that’s another Red Flag
  5. Never degrade or belittle the ex, especially around the child.
  6. Good Communication is key. He must make you feel comfortable for you to be able to come and talk to him about your feelings and/or when you are feeling insecure. Because there WILL be times when you feel insecure. TRUST ME!
  7. If a man is in love with you, he does not want you to feel uncomfortable. A man who is in love with you will look at situations from YOUR Point of View. If he’s doesn’t, RED FLAG!!
  8. Let him handle the situation if you feel you are feeling uncomfortable or if you feel like you are being disrespected. Unless she brings the situation directly to you, do not engage. She doesn’t need to know how you feel or what you feel about their situation, she’ll just use it for ammo later.
  9. Pay attention to how he handles things. How he confronts situations. If he confronts her by throwing YOU under the bus, he probably doesn’t really respect how you feel. And what I mean by throwing you under the bus, I mean, let’s say you have a problem with him spending so much time over at her house…if the way he confronts her goes, “My girlfriend has a problem with me being here all the time so I am going to stop coming over so much.” That is throwing you under the bus.  He could’ve just simply stopped going over there so much, without discussing it with her, or if he did discuss it he could’ve just said, “you know, it inappropriate for me to be over here all the time now that I am in a committed relationship with someone.”
  10. LASTLY, You must be willing to walk away from the entire situation if you feel like you are constantly being disrespected or if you feel like you have not been being included. Some men avoid expressing how he feels about his new girlfriend to his child’s mother because they are scared of the reaction or already know they will not take well to it, but at the end of the day, sometimes, they just need to hear it. And if you man is IN love with you, he will have NO problem stating his position. RememberA man that is in love with you will raise to YOUR level of expectations.

Those are just some quick tips/practices for you ladies who are thinking about dating someone who has a child, or who may already be dating someone with a child.

Now for the ladies you have children by these men I came up with a few tips/practices for you guys as well. As new relationships develop after a child, everyone involved needs have a level of respect for ALL parties; the mothers, the fathers, the new girlfriend/boyfriend and the child. No one person deserves more respect than the other. You have to look at every situation as a possibility of a blended family being started. Even though it is not your job to make the new girlfriend feel comfortable, it also not beneficial when you treat them with disrespect. You make yourself look bad, jealous and bitter. And some women don’t mind looking like that, But for women who have respect for themselves and their child’s father, understand. So here a few tips/practices you ladies WITH children:

  1. Don’t argue. “You said you were going to buy three outfits, and you only bought two!” Gentle answers turns away wrath. If you see an argument progressing, step back and return when to the discussion when things have settled. People say arguing means you care, but in reality, arguing means no one is listening.
  2. Stop being jealous and bitter. The conversations you have should be centered around the child. Not, who is he with? Who’s he going to be with? Why he was with this person? Your jealously is just fueling his dislike for you. It is not longer your place to question his where abouts. 
  3. Don’t OVER expect anything from him. “A man is known by the fruit he bears.” Do you expect a peach tree to someday bear orange fruit?
  4.  Don’t be spiteful. He has a new girlfriend and now you don’t want your child around him? Come On, Really?? And if you’re just spiteful for no reason at all, Get over it!
  5. Don’t nag. The sound of a woman nagging is like the sound of dripping rain. Imagine how annoying that is. 
  6. Don’t make money the vocal point of the discussion. You’ll come off like a gold digger. Talking about money the wrong way can get under anyone’s skin. Stop depending on him to take care of YOU. His job is to take care of HIS CHILD! Stop it! Your a grown ass woman. He may be the father of your child, but unfortunately, he his not the man of YOUR house. 
  7.  Respect yourself! If you’re still sleeping with him, STOP. If you spending your part of your day thinking about how you’re going to break up/come between his new relationship, so he can go back to catering to you, STOP. You’re only making YOURSELF miserable.
  8. Respect him as a father. Let him know if you’re taking his child out of the state/country. Don’t ever manipulate his child or bad mouth him to your child.
  9. Respect him as man. Do not patronize him. Don’t attempt to emasculate him. Don’t bash him (to your child, family members or anyone else). When you try to make him look bad, you look bad.
  10. Stop using your child as a way to hold on to him. “If a man wants you, nothing can keep him away. If he doesn’t, NOTHING can make him stay. The sooner you get over it and move on and let go, the sooner you’ll be able to open yourself up to receive a better man.

*Disclaimer: Please do not get offended, because I do not kids…these are tips that were consolidate from just myself, but women that I know personally you have kids by a man that they are no longer in a relationship with. This is also things that I have learned as I do date a man with a child.

If you guys have anymore tips of opinions, please put them below!!

Don’t forget to follow me one twitter: @TotalDivaRea, also like me on Facebook (link is to the left)

 

Thanks for reading!!

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