Why do boyfriends, girlfriends, husbands and wives lie to each other?
It is unpleasant to think about being betrayed by someone you love. No one likes to think that a significant other may be lying, especially not in their own relationship. And it’s probably safe to assume that everyone wants a close, romantic relationship that is built on openness, intimacy and trust. But despite our best intentions, our close relationships do not always work that way. Often, our romantic relationships involve some secrecy and deception. So my question is… why do people lie to those they love?
It took me sometime to understand this, because I feel that I am honest about a lot of things, some might say I am TOO honest, which again I didn’t understand. But after some research…I’ve come to the conclusion that we do all lie, some more than others, but we all do it.
I asked a few people, what things they lie to their partners about? One example my coworker Christine gave me was, Her and her fiance are saving for their wedding, But when she goes shopping , comes home with her bags and he asks her how much she spent, She goes, “not that much everything was on sale” Even though none of it was really on sale. Even my mom does this; to this day my mom sneaks her shopping bags in the house when my stepfather isn’t home and the acts likes she’s had things for years when he asks her about something he’s never seen…another one of my other co works say she laughs at all her husband’s jokes, even when they aren’t funny, So there is a state where lying is “OK.” But understanding the balance on what to lie about and what not to lie about is where a lot of couples have problems.
Love tends to not work out the exact way we plan, which is sometimes where the excitement of Love lies. We tend to hold on to the fairy tales about how love should be, but to be honest…It’s not. Not saying it is wrong to expect and receive the best, but you have to understand and learn, that getting to the best isn’t always easy. Love is not enough to make a relationship last… Even though romantic relationships are viewed as the source of “much happiness, love, and understanding,” as it turns out, our closest relationships are actually the source of our most painful emotional experiences.
Close relationships are built on a mutual dependence, in other words, your actions impact your partner and vice versa. As interdependence increases, telling the trust becomes more essential. To have successful outcome, in your relationship, couples need to know and understand each other. On the other hand as interdependence increases, people also are no longer free to do what they want, when they want, with whom they want. So as we get closer to someone, telling the truth becomes more important but it also starts posing more risk.
Telling the truth is easy to do when interdependence is low, and you basically have nothing to lose. For example, those time where you are sitting on a plane or standing on a line pouring your heart out to a complete stranger. Telling the truth in such situations does not matter – there is no real consequence for doing so (nor is there any real benefit).
When interdependence is high, however, telling the truth is important. Telling the truth allows people to coordinate their actions, create intimacy and closeness. But, interdependence also makes deception more likely. Because partners expect and demand a lot from us, telling the truth carries more risk. Telling the truth in a close relationship can lead to increased conflict, negativity and it can restrain your goals.
As it stands, both telling the truth and deception are needed to make a relationship work. Intimacy requires honesty, but complete honesty tears couples apart; finding the right balance, can be difficult for many couples to do.
What’s your little white lie??