So this weekend we celebrated Fernando’s brother’s Birthday at a club called C.I.C.
So this weekend we celebrated Fernando’s brother’s Birthday at a club called C.I.C.
Forgiveness and closure is something that many struggle with, myself included. Often it is because it feels like the other party involved “need” to be in agreement about our perception of things and to acknowledge where they went wrong. When there are unanswered questions, because they disappeared, moved on or passed away, and it feels like they just don’t get why we are so angry and hurt and unable to move on. It can feel like we’ll never get past it. What I’ve learned about forgiveness and closure recently, is that you definitely don’t need to gain agreement from the other party about your perspective on things. My own acknowledgement and validation travels a very long way. Moving on is a decision, a choice.
Forgiveness about the decision to let go. After you make the decision to forgive and let go, you have to honor it with the actions to support it. Sometimes we don’t consciously say, “I let go” and instead, we get on with the business of living, we nurture ourselves, we process our thoughts, feel all of our feelings even when they hurt, and one day realize that we fell less about something than we did before and we are in the process of letting go or have let go already. Whichever route you choose to take, the point is to stop holding it so closely. If you keep staring at something, revisiting, reliving it, if you don’t work through your feelings and gradually start to draw conclusions and learn from the insights gained, it just develops into something that drowns out perspective.
It is more important to forgive yourself. Letting go is about deciding to be “done” with something no matter how much more information or change you COULD seek. You have to ask yourself why you are devoting your life to expecting someone to change, feeling bad about the fact that they haven’t, and putting your own progress on hold in the process. You feel like, “I can’t move on until I get the answers that I need and they show remorse,” which is nothing but a declaration of a dead-end. Truth is, you CAN move on, you are just CHOOSING not to.
While it would be nice to gain agreement on how we see things, to get our feelings validated, and to get acknowledgement of where they have wronged you, not getting them doesn’t have to be the end all be all. You have got to learn to trust you own judgment.
There is something that I have been noticing about women and it made me question it. Why do some women walk around like there is a ticking clock on their backs? Like the, “OMG, I’m thirty and haven’t been married yet or had any kids!!!” For me, when I look around and see women who have had kids and who have been married; some are still married, some were divorced before they even hit thirty, and they still aren’t happy. Do you feel like you time is running out?? And if it does run out will your biggest regret be that you never had kids or never got married?? I mean really will that be the BIGGEST regret you have?? I am not here to invalidate anyone’s feelings. You feel what you feel. But age does not have to be an indicator of “baggage”.
Talking with my girlfriends the word lonely comes up a lot. In fact, I know people who feel just as alone when they are with a man and/or in a room full of people. If you still end up feeling lonely and filled with insecurity in spite of the fact that you have a man in your life, why do you still feel that having a man, a relationship, having casual relationships, having sex, having attention from these people, having more issues to deal with that result from being involved with these men, is the answer to your problems? Continue reading
Are you selling yourself short in dating, relationships and in life?
It always amazes me when I see women dwelling on a past relationship; sometimes YEARS after its ended. “You’re behaving like a woman who has no options”.
We as women sometimes act as if your only option is whatever guys you were seeing at the time and believe it is more important to be in a relationship and pursue this feeling of love and validation, than it was to be in a quality relationship. When you aren’t in a relationship, it may sometimes feel like you are just passing time, thirsty to fill up the “vacancy” left by the previous guy. You craved love, strongly seek out validation.
Sometimes you need to get things of your chest and sometimes the person you need to express your feelings to aren’t around or isn’t someone you know directly, or you just my want to get your opinion out about something without being interrupted. So…I decided to start a section of my Blog called “Letters”. Sometimes it may be a letter to a type of person as a whole groups i.e., Users, Cheaters, Singles, Couples, Exes, etc. Sometimes it may to be a direct person…who I will of course keep anonymous. There’s really no need to say names in these letters because HONESTLY these letters aren’t necessarily “for them” it’s for me to relief negativity within myself because I let everything out on the blog [in the letter]. You know that moment when you want to scream/cry/yell, but you just can’t.
Of course not EVERYTHING will be negative. Sometimes it’ll be me expressing my appreciation to someone who did something nice to me that was as stranger that i’ll probably never see again, sometimes it’ll be me expressing my love to someone like my boyfriend, friend, mother, etc. Even though I can and do express it to them directly its nice to be able share those experiences with you guys. You never know whose heart you are touching, OR a wake up call you may be giving someone. THis of this as my open diary…
BUT A little twist I want to include is….I would like you guys to participate.
If you have something you would like to get off your chest just about a group of people or a particular person, please send me the letter you would write to them and I will post it. PLEASE DO NOT include full government names (First Name/Nicknames/Code Names ONLY).
A BRIEF Example of how letter should read:
Just so you know, I’m not the one you should be mad at. I didn’t start flirting with your husband. I didn’t try to get him to sleep with me. He pursued me for many months.
To be honest, I felt sorry for him. He painted such a bleak picture of his home life. He said you never spent time with him, had no interest in sex, and acted like you hated everything about him.
BLAH BLAH BLAH….Personally, I really don’t know YOU. But, he seemed so sweet and sincere, so kind and funny. He has a way of just pulling a person in…..but you know that, don’t you? BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH …….Oh, and, worry about that girl you KNOW. She and her husband have been meeting you at the football games for years. Your husband has had a crush on her, and talks to her daily. He even told her about ME. She is probably thinking “what a poor baby” just about now. Just like I used to……BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH
The Ex-Other Woman
It can be long, short, whatever.
So let’s get this ball rolling.
Please send Letters to: firstname.lastname@example.org
To see my first posting, Click Here.
There are a number of issues that are recurring themes in struggling or uncertain relationships and seeking validation is one of them. Women who love emotionally unavailable men spend an incredible amount of time engaged in activities that are supposed to lead to getting the validation that they seek.
While these guys are thinking, “I’m not that bad”, the women that love them are thinking variations of “Tell me that I’m good person of value and that I’m the exception.” It seems every woman wants to be the exception.
Guys get validation all the time that they’re not as bad as they really are, because the validation comes when they continue to get women and when each of those women accepts their behavior, because they are trying to be the exception!
We all have our values (even if we don’t use them) and they are tied to our beliefs determining what we feel is right and wrong, good and bad.
The only way I can define Seeking validation in relationships, is when you look to get confirmation that something is “true.” This cuts both ways so while you may spend a unreasonable amount of energy trying to get others to confirm that you are a person of value, loveable, a great girlfriend, the best girlfriend, the “one”, the best friend etc., you may also be someone who spends an equally amount of time confirming that negative things that you believe are actually true, creating a self-fulfilling prophecy.
We get involved with people that reflect what we believe about love, relationships, and ourselves.
So if you imagine that someone believes that relationships don’t last, that men disappear and cheat, and that there is something unlovable about her, she’ll get involved with someone who offers the least likely prospect for commitment who is likely to blow hot and cold and disappear or outright abandon her, and who will have a tendency to cheat with other women, hence making what you think to be “true”…True.
She’ll do this because her beliefs mean that she is afraid of actually going out there and committing herself because she’s afraid of it not lasting. Even if she met someone who would probably not do any of these, she wouldn’t believe them.
Despite ending up with someone that reflects her beliefs, she will look for validation by trying to get him to commit and stop disappearing, by staying with him even when he screws around on her or makes it clear that he is pursuing other interests, and by trying to get him to make her the exception to his rule of behavior and treat her with decency so that she can believe she is good enough, VALID, and lovable.
Instead, by this guy continuing his behavior, she’ll think that if she wasn’t flawed and a lovable person, she would have been able to hold onto him because good, lovable people get the guy to make them the exception, so every negative thing she already believes about herself is perpetuated.
That my friend is the self-fulfilling prophecy of seeking validation from people who are fundamentally incompatible with the concept of a healthy relationship. Stop focusing on trying to be the exception and focus on being an exceptional person and attracting an exceptional man…not an less than exceptional man and trying to make him see how exceptional you are.
No one enjoys a break up, even if you are the one who initiated the breakup. So I wanted to give you guys some breakup boundaries/tips that are crucial when going through a break up. I have broken it up into two sections, so that I am not bombarding you with too much at one time. So let’s jump right into it…
Do not settle for less for the sake of having just something, rather than nothing at all. When we are in pain from rejection and we have lost someone who we emotionally invested in, it is tempting to bargain with ourselves. We would rather have them on some, rather than no terms. We do this because it is a kneejerk reaction to the initial rejection and pain. We tell ourselves that because of what we feel for them, we can’t imagine them not being in our lives, in any way. So you settle for something like friendship. However, if you are both destined to be friends, it won’t be because you hung around straight after the break up, poking at each other emotions and keeping a place holder in each other lives. Distance and time give objectivity and you can ONLY be friends when you actually no longer want a relationship with them. That, and you can only be friends with someone who is actually friend worthy. (I will get more into this topic in a much later blog, so stay tuned for that).
Next, cut contact to give yourself time and space to grieve the loss of the relationship. I can say this with 110% of certainty that if they are ever going to miss you or regret the loss of you from their lives, it is sure as hell NOT going to happen with you hanging around, reminding them of your existence and seeking validation and attention!! Both parties need to respect each other’s time and do your own thing and grieve the loss of the relationship. You must have faith that if a person gives a damn about you, that friendship you think you so desperately need will be there in a few months’ time. Now I know my people with children would say, this is hard to do…but it’s not, you just have to approach it differently than people who have no strings attached. If you check out my blog “Avoiding Baby Momma/Daddy Drama,” and take a look at #2: “The conversations you have should be centered around the child.” Your vocal point after a breakup with your child’s father should be THE CHILD, you can worry about a friendship (if at all possible) at a later time. Don’t try and make a friendship happen right after a breakup, it’s unrealistic. It’s forced and phony. And are really willing to settle for a phony friendship?? If you say yes, then you furthermore prove my first point.
This should actually be number one, but when someone rejects you, register it as a red flag, step back, and do not try to change their mind. At first thought people say “I should fight for my relationship.” This has been something I felt strongly about before. Until I realized that from the moment someone utters the words that they want to break up, you pushing to keep something that they don’t want is like you negotiating you way back into their affections and their life. They have clearly said to you, that they no longer want you or the relationship enough to keep trying. No matter what the reasons are for the breakup, you’ll succeed at nothing with getting on your hands and knees and begging them to stay. I know we tend to feel like we’ve invested so much time and effort in the other person, but here’s the problem: they’ve already given up and thrown it away. Speaking from personal experience, you will not feel good or confident about the stability of the relationship, length of the relationship, if you have to pitch yourself and the relationship to a person like a used car salesman. This is where you need to have some pride. Respect their decision in the first instance, because it you try to persuade them out of their decision you remove you dignity. You don’t know better. You and they are not the same person. In some cases the other person may say, hey, “You didn’t fight for me to stay.” At that point you must realize they are playing a game. Only people who break up with you to watch you jump through hoops to try and persuade them otherwise is playing games; someone you don’t need to be with any way.
Recognize communication for what it is and not amplify it into them actually missing you and wanting to get back together. When someone misses you and has seriously thought about the loss of the relationship they will not send stupid text messages and emails. Someone who genuinely misses you will not only call you and arrange to meet to talk, they will be straight forward and make constructive suggestions as to how to get back together and progress the relationship. Someone sending messages saying, “Good Luck on the football game.” Or “How are you?” or “Thinking about you.” Or “How’s the love life?” (all real messages that I’ve either received [or have sent…LOL, yes I am guilty of this too.]) is just a lazy wayto hunt for an ego stroke, I way to still make themselves “relevant” in your life. This brings me to…
Don’t confuse yourself and do something that you will later regret. DO NOT sleep with your ex. If you do, accept the responsibility for the consequences. Sex with someone who you are accustomed to is comforting and great. Sex with some who is familiar and that you still feel something for but who has broken up with you, will feel great at that moment, but often filled with expectations, which usually lead to disappointment. Just because you start having sex with your ex again doesn’t mean you are getting back together…getting back together does not solely rely on getting laid, hence if you were actually getting back together you’d damn sure know it before you had sex. They may miss you, but they sure don’t miss you that much. If you are the type of person to have sex with expectation, it is not wise you treat it in a casual fashion, don’t have sex with you ex. While you may feel validated for the short term pleasure, it may have long lasing consequences that now set you back. Understand that you cannot sex your way back into a relationship. If sex was what held your relationship together, it was fragile anyway, plus you wouldn’t have broken up.
“…Someone’s definition of what constitutes cheating is in direct proportion to how much they themselves want to cheat.” ~ Carrie, Sex and the City (Season 2, episode 6)
Being in a relationship is hard work. It takes dedication and commitment. Now, if you aren’t willing to be dedicated and committed, my advice to you is don’t get in a relationship. Now I know cheating happens. The act of cheating exists just as much as the act of getting caught. My question is what constitutes cheating? This varies between people. What is considered cheating for me may not be for the same thing for the next person.
I consider cheating anything that you wouldn’t want done to you. Is kissing cheating? YES! Is dirty dancing cheating? Yes! Is professing your love to another person cheating?? YES! Is writing love letter to another person cheating?? Yes! I can go on and on. Now some people may disagree with me (and mostly likely it’ll be men). But let’s think about it, I am sorry but if I saw my man bumping and grinding on some other girl that would irk me! Now men sit back and think a minute; if you saw your girl backing it up and grinding on another man, you can’t say that wouldn’t bother you. No matter how “secure” you may be in a relationship. At the end of the day, just because you are “secure” in your relationship it doesn’t give you (or your partner) do whatever you (or they) want. There has to be some level of respect, A HIGH level of respect.
I also consider cheating anything you wouldn’t do or say in front of your significant other. If you are purposely not saying or doing things in front of them, that means you know it’s wrong. Would you call another person Babe or Honey in front of your partner? Would you kiss another person in front of your partner? If you have to sneak around, change passwords, hide things…It’s cheating and the person who’s doing these things knows they are being deceitful. Others believe, cheating isn’t cheating, unless you get caught…
Some in relationships are bending the rules, but whose rules are you following?? Every has their own rules when it comes to their own relationships, but you have you find someone whose rules are the same as your…But personally, I feel like people have found ways to disguise cheating by calling it something else, But whatever you decide to do in a relationship and whatever “cheating curve” you decide to have in your relationship (or NOT have), make sure it is something that is agreed upon before making anything official. But honestly, when it comes to love you can only bend the rules but so far.
Ok so “Quickes” are new to you all. Quickies are basically are shorter blogs, things on my mind that I want to share with you all really quick.
So I was listening to the radio the other morning and they asked a question, would a woman rather her boyfriend cheat on her with a prostitute or someone they are holding an emotional relationship with? So first of, No woman wants to be cheated on, its WRONG and either way your spending money on someone who’s not me…But let’s say I had to choose….MMMMM don’t laugh, but I’m going to say a prostitute. I’m going to tell you my reason why, Now don’t get me wrong, I have reasons why I wouldn’t want a prostitute either…LOL…and I tell you why as well.
A prostitute is looking for one thing…to get paid. They aren’t looking for a commitment. They aren’t going to try and talk to your man into breaking up with me. When you are emotionally connected to someone, ultimately you’ve been considering breaking up with me for someone else. And if you aren’t, the person you’re cheating on me with is looking for something more as well, and will definitely talking you into leaving me for them. Now if they know nothing about me, then this doesn’t apply of course.
So people may say, well a prostitute you can be exposed to STD’s and stuff. Well, most legit prostitutes use condoms every time, no exceptions for any John. If you think about it the person who you are emotionally connected to is going to be someone that you more than likely have unprotected sex with.
Bottom line: cheating is NEVER OK. But this was a hypothetical question. And if I had to choose sorry to say I choose a Prostitute. LOL What would you choose? Why?