Sometimes, you find yourself in the rather vex position of feeling like you know the ‘real’ side of someone and that ‘everyone’ around them is being fooled. You see them going about their life as if everything is great (and it could actually be going great for them) and yet your head is still spinning from their treatment of you. In fact, your life may be in absolute array after your experience with them – your self-esteem may be shot and the last thing you think can do at this time is attempt to go on your life… Continue reading
Category Archives: Relationships & Sex
Forgiveness and closure is something that many struggle with, myself included. Often it is because it feels like the other party involved “need” to be in agreement about our perception of things and to acknowledge where they went wrong. When there are unanswered questions, because they disappeared, moved on or passed away, and it feels like they just don’t get why we are so angry and hurt and unable to move on. It can feel like we’ll never get past it. What I’ve learned about forgiveness and closure recently, is that you definitely don’t need to gain agreement from the other party about your perspective on things. My own acknowledgement and validation travels a very long way. Moving on is a decision, a choice.
Forgiveness about the decision to let go. After you make the decision to forgive and let go, you have to honor it with the actions to support it. Sometimes we don’t consciously say, “I let go” and instead, we get on with the business of living, we nurture ourselves, we process our thoughts, feel all of our feelings even when they hurt, and one day realize that we fell less about something than we did before and we are in the process of letting go or have let go already. Whichever route you choose to take, the point is to stop holding it so closely. If you keep staring at something, revisiting, reliving it, if you don’t work through your feelings and gradually start to draw conclusions and learn from the insights gained, it just develops into something that drowns out perspective.
It is more important to forgive yourself. Letting go is about deciding to be “done” with something no matter how much more information or change you COULD seek. You have to ask yourself why you are devoting your life to expecting someone to change, feeling bad about the fact that they haven’t, and putting your own progress on hold in the process. You feel like, “I can’t move on until I get the answers that I need and they show remorse,” which is nothing but a declaration of a dead-end. Truth is, you CAN move on, you are just CHOOSING not to.
While it would be nice to gain agreement on how we see things, to get our feelings validated, and to get acknowledgement of where they have wronged you, not getting them doesn’t have to be the end all be all. You have got to learn to trust you own judgment.
There is something that I have been noticing about women and it made me question it. Why do some women walk around like there is a ticking clock on their backs? Like the, “OMG, I’m thirty and haven’t been married yet or had any kids!!!” For me, when I look around and see women who have had kids and who have been married; some are still married, some were divorced before they even hit thirty, and they still aren’t happy. Do you feel like you time is running out?? And if it does run out will your biggest regret be that you never had kids or never got married?? I mean really will that be the BIGGEST regret you have?? I am not here to invalidate anyone’s feelings. You feel what you feel. But age does not have to be an indicator of “baggage”.
Talking with my girlfriends the word lonely comes up a lot. In fact, I know people who feel just as alone when they are with a man and/or in a room full of people. If you still end up feeling lonely and filled with insecurity in spite of the fact that you have a man in your life, why do you still feel that having a man, a relationship, having casual relationships, having sex, having attention from these people, having more issues to deal with that result from being involved with these men, is the answer to your problems? Continue reading
In part one I explained how the opportunity to work at your relationship can really only exist, if you’re two people who are potentially right for each other but engaging in behaviours that are counterproductive to the success of the relationship. You both need to be coming from an honest, illusion free place otherwise your efforts will be pointless.
So where do you start? Continue reading
Knowing when to work at a relationship can be stressful. Should you stay? Should you go? If you stay, should you just wait to see if things get better in time? Should you try to get your partner to change? Should you keep talking about the issues in the hope that it triggers understanding, remorse, resolve to change, and ensuring action? How do you know when to work at your relationship? Continue reading
Being relationship smart doesn’t mean every relationship is going to work out. At times you will make mistakes and errors in judgment. You may end up doing stuff that is counterproductive to your own relationship success. But when you have a level of awareness about yourself and you interactions, you adapt your behavior and learn from it rather than repeating it and hoping it’ll work out without you getting uncomfortable.
“Being smart at anything means that you have to get uncomfortable.”
So what do you need to be Relationship Smart you ask? Continue reading
Are you selling yourself short in dating, relationships and in life?
It always amazes me when I see women dwelling on a past relationship; sometimes YEARS after its ended. “You’re behaving like a woman who has no options”.
We as women sometimes act as if your only option is whatever guys you were seeing at the time and believe it is more important to be in a relationship and pursue this feeling of love and validation, than it was to be in a quality relationship. When you aren’t in a relationship, it may sometimes feel like you are just passing time, thirsty to fill up the “vacancy” left by the previous guy. You craved love, strongly seek out validation.
There are a number of issues that are recurring themes in struggling or uncertain relationships and seeking validation is one of them. Women who love emotionally unavailable men spend an incredible amount of time engaged in activities that are supposed to lead to getting the validation that they seek.
While these guys are thinking, “I’m not that bad”, the women that love them are thinking variations of “Tell me that I’m good person of value and that I’m the exception.” It seems every woman wants to be the exception.
Guys get validation all the time that they’re not as bad as they really are, because the validation comes when they continue to get women and when each of those women accepts their behavior, because they are trying to be the exception!
We all have our values (even if we don’t use them) and they are tied to our beliefs determining what we feel is right and wrong, good and bad.
The only way I can define Seeking validation in relationships, is when you look to get confirmation that something is “true.” This cuts both ways so while you may spend a unreasonable amount of energy trying to get others to confirm that you are a person of value, loveable, a great girlfriend, the best girlfriend, the “one”, the best friend etc., you may also be someone who spends an equally amount of time confirming that negative things that you believe are actually true, creating a self-fulfilling prophecy.
We get involved with people that reflect what we believe about love, relationships, and ourselves.
So if you imagine that someone believes that relationships don’t last, that men disappear and cheat, and that there is something unlovable about her, she’ll get involved with someone who offers the least likely prospect for commitment who is likely to blow hot and cold and disappear or outright abandon her, and who will have a tendency to cheat with other women, hence making what you think to be “true”…True.
She’ll do this because her beliefs mean that she is afraid of actually going out there and committing herself because she’s afraid of it not lasting. Even if she met someone who would probably not do any of these, she wouldn’t believe them.
Despite ending up with someone that reflects her beliefs, she will look for validation by trying to get him to commit and stop disappearing, by staying with him even when he screws around on her or makes it clear that he is pursuing other interests, and by trying to get him to make her the exception to his rule of behavior and treat her with decency so that she can believe she is good enough, VALID, and lovable.
Instead, by this guy continuing his behavior, she’ll think that if she wasn’t flawed and a lovable person, she would have been able to hold onto him because good, lovable people get the guy to make them the exception, so every negative thing she already believes about herself is perpetuated.
That my friend is the self-fulfilling prophecy of seeking validation from people who are fundamentally incompatible with the concept of a healthy relationship. Stop focusing on trying to be the exception and focus on being an exceptional person and attracting an exceptional man…not an less than exceptional man and trying to make him see how exceptional you are.
I always see people who are completely overwhelmed by rejection or repeatedly throwing themselves under the same rejection bus because they don’t want to deal with the pain of accepting someone’s choice in another person. They think they can make one or a number of rejections right by trying to get this person to validate them and unfortunately end up experiencing even more pain. These are the people who live by that rule, “fight for what you want.” But think about it, you are fighting for this person, and they are fighting for someone else. You can’t fight a battle with someone who isn’t in the same fight.
When you participate in unavailable relationships, it’s like you’re seeking validation in order to gain an overall retraction that would right the wrongs of the past, or if you keep going back in no matter how crappy a capacity to a poor or even non-existent relationship, you’re trying to get them to retract the rejection. Bottom line, they won’t. It’s you who needs to retract your own rejection. This type of behavior is what I like to call, a serial realtionship cutter. Even though you know it hurts, you keep doing it because you haven’t reached the goal you THINK you need to.
This retraction you’re seeking is not going to cause the doors of heavens to open or angels to even sing. No announcements will go out, no nothing. Yes you’ll know it’s there, yes you will have achieved your aim, but it’s really all for your own ego and if your purpose is to satisfy your ego, you’ll actually be better off doing it yourself. As many people can attest to, often after getting the holy grail of apologies, or telling them about themselves, or even ‘winning’ them back, it’s a major let down.
Many people seek retraction from an ex because we are worried about what people will think about the end of the relationship. You start wondering what he told his friends about why you broke up. Did he give the right reason? Did he say it my fault?? But people are going to think what they want to think no matter what you do, so the best thing that you can do is not give away all of your power.
Don’t use ‘rejection’ to make judgments about you. You have better things to do than crawl inside their mind. You could focus on trying to force them to change their mind, but really, if you’re that bothered, you’ve already made a judgment about yourself and it’s actually your own mind that you need to change. You don’t need to wait for them to change their mind, for you to change your mind. You managed to survive for however many years before they came along – there’s no way in hell that you shouldn’t be able to handle your own identity.
You cannot control everyone else’s minds – people like thinking about themselves!
Stop putting all your energy into someone who is not willing to put all their energy into you…They are unavailable. They aren’t unavailable against their will; they are unavailable to you because they want to be. Stop looking seeking validation, accept the rejection and move on. Stop seeking for someone to change their mind, if they want to change their mind, you breathing down their neck is not going to speed up the process and that’s if the process is even meant to happen. Stop re-opening the same wound over and over again. Give it time to heal and move on.
Ever been a relationship, where you feel like the other person isn’t completely on your side?? I mean really think about it. That moment when they stop supporting you because you always say the things they need to hear, but don’t want to hear. I feel that a lot of people who have ties to the exes in some way whether it be children, money, marriage, or anything else that would cause them to still be in your life, they tend to always choose their feelings over yours…sometimes directly, but usually indirectly….very passive aggressive. Now know when you have ties with someone, someone usually still has feelings, BUT, if you decided to move on, then that’s what it is.
Now I am not one to purposely hurt someone’s feelings, but if I had to choose between anyone’s feelings to hurt it would have to be my past and not my present relationship. When a man or woman is not capable of respecting their current relationship b/c “fear” or hurting someone’s feelings (especially an ex) they aren’t really someone who needs to be in a relationship with anyone else. Their partner will forever feel second or not as important, which is just a recipe for disaster. People say, “Well if you’re secure in you your position why worry about an ex?” But at some point it is your partner’s job to make you a priority and make YOUR feelings a priority over someone who is from their past. No matter how confident a man or woman is, they still has some insecurities and still needs some to reassure then at times.
“…I’m someone who is looking for love. Real love. Ridiculous, inconvenient, consuming, can’t-live-without-each-other love…” ~ Carrie, Sex in the City
Love is not something you feel only when you are around that person. Respect is not something you only give when you are around you partner. Honesty is not something you only give when you are around your boy/girlfriend or when you get caught. Love is felt all day, every day. And if you don’t feel it all day, every day, then you aren’t really in love. Respect is given and shown, even if that person isn’t there to see you giving it. If you don’t respect them or their feelings when they are not around, you don’t really respect them, you actually take them for granted. Honesty is given and shown to your partner and anyone trying to come between that all the times. When you do things and know it is wrong for whatever reason, you are being dishonest, disrespectful and showing how much you don’t truly love your partner…
Being in a relationship can really suck if you never feel like your partner is on your side, or if you’re with someone who always tries to justify their “inappropriate” behavior…So step back and recognize, you deserve someone who Loves you ALL DAY… Respects you ALL DAY, and someone who is Honest with you ALL DAY..without hestitation and without explination…
This is just a real quick food thought…